I fantasize about having an affair.

Alone & confused-I'm so sorry to hear that. I've been in those relationships before. They didn't last long because I wouldn't tolerate it but I also never talk to him about it. You need to find someone who gets turned on when you're turned on and who's not selfish and to me actually respects you. He doesn't respect hou if he doesn't care if you orgasm. To me, sex is a huge part of a relationship. I even condone sleeping with someone before marriage just to make sure they are compatible sexually (and I have a daughter! lol). A lot of people get divorced or cheat because they're not satisfied with their partners. I feel very strongly about this issue and the femenist in me comes out a little. But maybe he honestly doesn't know how to pleasure a woman and he's embarrassed to say so. Maybe he has self-esteem issues in bed. You can tell if he won't kiss you or look at oh during sex.

I'd say first talk to him if he's willing. Suggest sex therapy if he's not willing to talk to you. If he's not willing to even read books on it. Most are short and pictorial if he's not a reader. You need to think about the future of your relationships.

OMG NO!! What on earth did A QUALIFIED THERAPIST suggest that for!?! I really don't think she is going to be alright with that, at all!! If you buy a big enough one and she actually hits you with it, when you present it as a solution to her sexual issue with reservedness, it could black your eye! lol
Plus sex toys are an acquired taste imo and don't always produce arousal or orgasmic results in people who enjoy sex.

Wouldn't you be better off looking for instructions on good techniques, the different parts of the vagina that are most responsive to different stimulations, and little tips and tricks to help her achieve orgasm? Then, equip with this knowledge, begin talking to her again about it all and if she would want to try the next time you have intercourse? x

Silver Tree-that's what I said. I don't know if I recommended a couple books or not but the vibrator thing is just not a good idea to start out with, I totally agree.

Not all therapists are good. I've went through 100 it seems.

If he sees a psychiatrist for meds, he'd be better off asking them this question if they give him time. My psychiatrist is just for med management but he'll also answer anything I ask him. I haven't found a therapist that has been helpful in 12 years for that kind of thing. I'm not saying there aren't good ones. I think some just get creeped/weirded out.

Put it this way, my last one took 15 min of every 50 min session to just write a receipt for my copay. The one before that told me our meeting place, at a church, was compromised so she pretty much ditched me. Didn't return my calls or anything.

Is your wife asexual???

I'm new here but not to the issue of mismatched drive.

First: PLEASE DO NOT TAKE T's ADVICE ABOUT THE VIBRATOR

That advice is doomed to fail and likely to be one more issue you will need to resolve over time. To me it simply is a typical male approach that 'she' has a problem to fix (I am a guy btw). Use this visual: you have a parched and thirsty dog that is presented a bowel of water. If you force its head to the water it will fight you away from the water. This metaphor presumes your wife is thirsty for an orgasm which may not be. I think its a lose:lose thing for you.

This sounds like a relationship issue and one that needs to be resolved together. From my experience, unless you both have a desire to fulfill each others needs, are willing to do the work to understand both the needs and barriers you both have, and actively work on them together, then you will have a serious persistent friction point.

Even though you've not said it's a deal breaker directly you have attempted affair. To me that means it is a potential deal breaker and if not resolved has a big chance of causing serious harm if not divorce.

Some thoughts:
1- any medications being taken by either of you should be evaluated
2 - does she have any history of sexual abuse ?
3 - hormone panels might be useful (thyroid, sex hormones, etc) information to rule out medical issues especially if zero drive or hyper drive. (Though your description sounds like a mis-match in the area of physical sex)
4 - you mention that she engages when you initiate. Lucky you - put a check mark in the "things to be grateful for column"
5 - does she enjoy sex and just not orgasm, and her orgasm is important for you and not her .
6 - is sex with your wife an incredibly deep emotional connection or more mechanical ? She may be missing the near spiritual connection of two souls while you are missing the cascade of orgasm.

I don't want the above to sound judgmental. None of it is intended that way.



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Hi newbie12

Books and therapy and time is probably the best way to go. Maybe a sexual therapist is better for advice.

Sorry you haven't found a therapist you like. A church is maybe a strange place to meet? Though as good a place as any I suppose and if you felt it was the best and safest to talk then...

I don't need to open up about 'that kind of thing' really, but I have thought they would be alright with that subject, how strange. Am sure that you feel uncomfortable now and it makes that feel worse?

I find it hard to talk to any therapist really. It helps to have it, but that's been as much about reflection and challenging myself afterwards, than expressing stuff at the time. I think being honest with T (or anyone) about yourself is really hard.

I hope you find a good therapist x

I just think books can me private. We don't know her but it sounds like she probably wouldn't be up for seeing a sexual therapist either. I was just thinking he could warm her up with books then maybe see where they can go TOGETHER from there.

I don't have a problem talking about anything with anyone really. I just haven't found a therapist that I can be open with. They seem offended if I mention anything taboo.

Plus it's hard to find one taking new patients. Now I think I would like to find one that specializes in bipolar disorder.

Newbie ... I had the same thought as you with my SO. She cannot even talk with me let alone a therapist - and I'm not even in the area of taboo talking. Would love to be but that's a different thread.

For me the Books were met with a defensive posture and sit unread. Therapy might be a neutral place where both can feel validated.

I feel for the OP conundrum.

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Yes it's normal to fantasize about having an affair. I'm in a healthy sexual relationship and I still fantasize about being with other men. Now, there may be some emotional needs that aren't being fulfilled . . . But thems the breaks when it comes to monogamy.

What's not normal is how your wife refuses to seek help or explore her own sexuality. I'm not attacking her, I'm merely stating that she is removed from herself, and this is not normal. It's not healthy for your relationship, and it will begin to cause strife. It sounds like it already has.

It doesn't sound like she is just someone who doesn't like sex, who is non-sexual. It sounds like she has a neurotic aversion towards it. I can almost guarantee your wife probably gets the dirtiest flashes of fantasies going through her mind at times, and she probably feels insanely guilty for it.

Seeing as though her attitude seems to be that only "dirty girls" orgasm, I wonder if she would benefit from being treated like one? Maybe she needs to be put in that mindset in order to orgasm? I realize this may be kinky and extreme to some (it's barely anything to me), but it might actually work. She might benefit from being treated like a dirty girl. Maybe that's what she wants.

I'm not saying to break out a whip and start humiliating her, but maybe you could try something different, like blindfolding her or tying her wrists together. She needs the control taken away from her. She might need some more force.

Or maybe you should talk to her during it. Ask her what she's feeling. Ask if she feels good. Tell her it's okay to let go. Tell her to orgasm for you. Keep telling her. Don't give up.

This is just a thought. I could be totally wrong.

Is there no way you can make your wife orgasm? That's the reason why she says she is not interested in sex - because she is not enjoying it enough! It sounds like she is desperately trying to tell you this but not trying to hurt your feelings so she says things like "There's nothing I can do about it" - i.e. The ball is in YOUR court is what she is actually saying!!! Sorry to have to tell you this stuff so bluntly buddy, but that's what it sounds like to me.

But, nobody's at fault or anything. A female orgasm is not so easy to achieve, some women are more difficult and take some work. You'll have to read up a bit AND then still also ask your wife what she likes (very important!!! You can read all the manuals you like and then you come to your woman and she says "nah, I hate that!" Then you're stuffed and it's back to the drawing board.), but it's not such a mission. Do you ever do things like oral on her or lot's of foreplay? That usually sets any woman off!

Look, OK, I've never been married, and I don't know how the "knowing each other like the back of your hands" factor comes into play, but I've been with a reasonable amount of women (not something I'm proud of at all) and with all I can say they can orgasm after 10-20 minutes just oral. Some are quicker, some can take 40 minutes! If that is the case, she is not relaxed enough with you when it comes to sex, or feels you are judging her or something, and it might be little things you are saying that's triggering it, you never know. But, I mean, from personal experience, women really love foreplay very much and even more than sex. My rule: ladies first! And if they want seconds, thirds or more before I get mine, she's more than welcome! I only give her the full daddy upon request when she has had enough foreplay and wants the real McCoy .

Maybe some toys and stuff won't hurt either. And remember it's a two-way street, if you want to use your mouth "there" and you think it's too hairy or whatever, then say, "It would look so hot and I'd like it so much if you could shave a little down there" or even turn it into a game "If you shave for me down there, I'll give you a nice surprise". Sadly though, if you don't feel too good about it and don't really enjoy your wife's body that much anymore, then you guys unfortunately are having some deeper problems. Also, if she turns down the new, more creative attention you want to give her and says "Oooh, I don't want that" or "rather not" then you guys need to talk. There's something else going on. Remember, wives can withhold sex for numerous reasons, not just because they're not finding it enjoyable. If you think about it, it's the only leverage they've got in a marriage, because the man is in control of pretty much everything else on a non-50/50 basis.

I really hope what I said can help a bit (if you're already doing all this, then I don't know, I'm stumped ), because you don't want to go down "Affair Road". It's the worst way to hurt someone. You are saying to that person non-verbally "You're not a good enough lover for me anymore, and not even your best attempts at love can fulfil me anymore". That will kill them inside, trust me.

And, you need to do something about this now, because the last thing you want is your wife "needing" the services of another guy! At least with toys, it's not another man! I don't want to frighten you, but it seems to be a very real danger in your marriage when I read what you say. She is not saying she is not satisfied, but it sounds like she is not satisfied. That's never good! You need to act like in YESTERDAY, seriously.

Good luck, I hope it all works out. And, another plus, you're wife will love you for it, the new, improved you, suddenly with all these new wild and erotic skills!

No, you must tell her that it will be so sexy if she let's it happen. And you're not lying, it IS - it is really beautiful to see a woman orgasm. After that you hold her tight in your arms and you guys bond on a really primeval level, in a way no words can ever describe. Your marriage will change totally, you'll see. Tell her she's beautiful and you love the way she looks and does things during sex. Tell her it's not dirty. Sounds to me like she is only afraid of judgement. Tell her it's just you and her, and she can let go as much as she wants.

You're so right!!! It IS deep-seated beliefs that are holding her back from just letting go and experiencing it. When women don't orgasm it's because they are not relaxed enough and feel dirty or like they are being judged for example.

I feel so badly for you wife actually. She really seems to have some issues, that's just so terrible. The only cure is to finally make her feel it. But, have you asked her also why really she doesn't want it. It sounds almost like she is afraid of orgasming. Does she have a physical condition or something that if she does get it, then she is in danger of some kind (heart palpitations or high blood pressure or something)? You're going to have to sit her down and find out. And, don't quit, no matter how much she tries to evade it.

I'll put my two cents' worth in here.

To cut through is a tedious and usually never-ending process. My wife was like that: not "into" sex with me though she'd do it and had no qualms against it. She just wasn't that much "into" me either. It took me a very long time to discover just exactly what that meant.

Her real interest was in other things, other people. It took a great deal of time for me to realize this. I grew more and more frustrated with her behavior. She really never seemed to care who I was, what I wanted. All that mattered between us was what she wanted, who was interesting to her, where she was going, etc.

If I had only been honest with myself I would have told her, "This is just crap. You don't please me, you don't need to please me, you don't want to please me, and you probably never can please me. We are incompatible and must get divorced," I'd have saved myself decades of wall-banging and frustration.

Most people who are honest with themselves know that life is exciting and should be exciting and interesting, and sometimes--not rarely but sometimes-- it should be thrilling. And the easiest thrill to have is with someone you love and who loves you. No love without requital.

There are an alarming number of women who get to that age and older without having an orgasm. They might think they have.

It's good that she has admitted to you that she has never had one. It's a bit embarrassing for women to admit too.

I used to only orgasm like once a year during sex with my husband. Now it's almost everytime. That's because I let go of all my inhibitions one day and never looked back.

Maybe she just feels ashamed of feeling like a dirty girl turns her on. Maybe talk to her and ask if that's it.

No no no no no.

If she never had an orgasm ever ever, it is certainly not the OP's fault that she still does not now. And that happens to be a very difficult aspect of common male perspective about it, the idea that a woman's orgasm is an explicit result of their prowess. Negatory. We have our own orgasms.

I had my first on my own when I was 15 and focused on fostering a healthy sexuality in myself. Once I started having sex, I came to be able to have them with my partner in a couple of different ways, and eventually I was able to have the elusive "simultaneous" moments. But although it could be the result of the sex being particularly good for me on a given occasion, it was never as a result of what anyone "did", to me or for me. In fact, the more intently a guy feels that it is about his prowess to give me an orgasm, the harder it would be for me, because the emotional pressure of having to make *them* feel good, while I'm trying to enjoy a "flow" moment, is just too much.

There's absolutely no reason to take on overwhelming responsibility for our orgasms. That just messes things up.

But I don't have specific advice for shakespeare's situation, as clearly my perspective doesn't include any relevant information about potentially having an orgasm for the first time in one's 40s. Except maybe as Gandhi commented about Western civilization, "I think it's a great idea."

Maybe horseback riding? Couples massage session? Idk, but it sounds like you are happy in the relationship, and it would be an unfortunate way to look at it, to suggest that someone's inability to achieve an orgasm could be a dealbreaker, especially if she can't do it -- whether it's a cognitive distortion or not, she believes she can't. But it sounds like you are already focused primarily on all the good that you share with her. She may even surprise you one of these days. Tally ho.

That IS it exactly!

No, but read carefully again what I said. I never once said it was his FAULT or lack of PROWESS. However, it is HIS wife after all. If anybody is going to "help" her it should be HIM. It's not just about his skills, you're right, but can you imagine what it says to her if he goes out of his way to find out what the issue is and then takes the journey with her to work out whatever it is, together. It can only ever bring two people closer. The female orgasm is for a large part emotional, rather than physical. Making a woman feel desirable and very sexy during sex will definitely lead her to it much more easily. There you said it yourself, when you feel like the guy is trying too hard to make you come, then it makes it much harder for you to reach it.

All that needs to happen, is she just needs to relax a little during sex and allow herself to be a woman, like a woman should be, without thinking about anything or any kind of judgements or beliefs. It is hard, these things are engrained, but it's a natural, beautiful thing and there's nothing dirty about it. It's a common misconception that many women have about themselves, "Oh, I can't reach orgasm." That is so untrue. Any HUMAN, male or female, can reach orgasm, it's part of our biology (unless there's something medically seriously wrong or something is physically missing).

It's just twisted how guys can look at this. You don't say "thanks honey, that was a great orgasm you gave to me," why would you think it any different for us? And the anxiousness that guys exhibit about women having orgasms is ironically probably the biggest inhibitor of them that exists. Just letting you know. It's putting an elephant in the room that just doesn't need to be there. If I'm worrying about you feeling good about what you've gotten me to experience, I won't be experiencing anything.

Also, as a side note, I don't personally recommend using the phrase "like a woman should be." We each get to choose for ourselves, who we want to be; there's really no "should" involved.

No, I meant natural, uninhibited and free. It's the fault of all this media today. Women don't feel comfortable with their bodies anymore. Guys really don't care so much, no BS, I'm being for real. Ladies think we do, but we don't. Seriously, you guys spend hours picking out clothes and shoes and doing make-up and hair and who knows what and it really doesn't even matter that much. Even an "unmade" woman is sexy to me. In fact, the more make-up she's got on, the more I think "plastic doll". The only thing a woman has to do to her hair is comb it so it's not scraggly, the only thing she has to do to her body is wash it and maybe a little fragrance. Then from there, it doesn't matter. Even jeans and t-shirt is sexy on a girl. You guys look good in anything! I really mean it! I really can't see why any girl or woman should EVER feel under-confident in the way they look, it's totally ungrounded and so unnecessary. You guys ARE beautiful already, as you wake up in the morning before even putting anything on!

Ladies, seriously, you guys really worry for nothing. People from the make-up companies, and hair salons and whatever are laughing all the way to the bank and making tons of money out of you for no reason at all.

1. Make-up - five minutes just smoothing your face a little, and a subtle lipstick to redden the lips. If you're going to make love and kiss - leave it! I hate the taste of lipstick!

2. Hair - Just make it neat, and if you have long hair that can be soft with brushing, then that's great, because we love touching it .

3. Clothes - anything. As long as it fits you nicely and accentuates your curves, damn, we'll be drooling all day at all you hot girls..., just dreaming about how you look under them clothes! Seriously - if you want to look good, wear something, anything, as long as it just initiates the imagination of a guy. Don't wear baggy pants and stuff like hoodies that are too big for you. So not sexy. In other words, stop wearing guy's clothes! I see so many girls doing it, why? oh why would you want to look like a guy?

I saw such a sad post in one of the other threads. A girl was telling of how when she and her man make love, she says he is thinking about the porn stars or whatever on the internet, and then some other girls answered and said they wish they could match those women. That breaks my heart so much to hear that . You girls are ALL beautiful . There's no need for such talk. Those other women are just pictures, video clips, he can never have them, never in a million years. You are the real deal, you can never be replaced by stupid fantasies. Any guy who says you can be replaced by these things is a loser, of which there are many today unfortunately.

I think you guys are trying too hard to be like the women you see in magazines or on TV or whatever, because THEY say that's what men like. So not true. Those women, 99% are revolting to me. I would take a well-mannered, normal girl any day over them. These female celebrities are the last women on the planet that I admire and the last thing I would ever want is my girlfriend or wife trying to be like them because she thinks it makes me happy. So sad .

So, what does this all mean? I'm saying, girls needn't be ashamed of their bodies or fear they will be judged by their men. The day these inhibitions are gone, any woman can experience great orgasms with her man.

I don't understand why you are getting mad at me. I am agreeing with you . I mean it in the nicest possible way when I use that phrase. Like a woman should be, like she was made, naturally, free, uninhibited, open, emotional, sexual, sensual. I don't understand your beef with me . Are you saying you like being in a sexual prison, scared of orgasm, conforming to what people say, even if it's a lie? Why would it be good for any woman to feel dirty and ugly to such a degree she can't enjoy herself during sex?

Some of you guys are really twisting my words here, and it seems to be the ladies mostly. Read carefully what I am saying to shakespeare, and actually it was meant for him. Others are now twisting what I say and picking arguments with me. Why?