ok I';ll bite the bullet

Rhapsody.......that is soooooo romantic!!!!!!!!!!!! You lucky girl, you!

ok from a mans point of veiw, what do you do when the loving runs cold, and by that i mean when you want something to happen sexually and it doesnt, when you ask for something to happen and she says no, where are we expected to go from there? whats the protocol? are we to blame?, are we classed as perverted? what do we do to try and get back on track if anything, or should we carry on regardless?

i would be happy to hear k8immydawns full point of veiw, not the edited version she has posted, sorry kimmy i never saw your original post so didnt get chance to react.in time

edited by myself to add

i prefer the woman to be in charge sexually, i do my best to keep up, repeatedly, but when do you say enough is enough? without sounding like a wimp?

Well, my point is...first KNOW your partner, their likes and dislikes...

then...

WITHIN those likes (or a good guess it would be), get crazy, daring.

Work to peak the interest that will get you what you've been missing as well.

It's important, though, while doing the "crazy" not to step into an area that you're not sure about or know (or have a pretty good guess) that it wouldn't be received well.

For instance, a simple dinner out can add an element of risk and naughtiness to it. Making it fun for both is paramount, I think.

There are really alot of ways to spice it up in a way that would encourage the partner to want to go that extra mile again. Sometimes, in busy lives, sex can become mechanical...just release. It's the intimacy before and after that that women most complain about missing.

Communication is necessary to find out what they might feel they're missing as well and combining the two when setting the bar.

I guess what I'm saying is it helps to take the ordinary out of it once in a while but upping the bar...carefully not upping it too far.

KD

you missed my point kimmy, i dont have a bar, i will go has far has i am taken, and beyond, and be happy to boot, what do i do when i am told that i dont go that extra mile when i do everything asked of me? what else can i do? bearing in mind i do what i am told?

I guess I have a problem saying what I want. it embarresses me. dang maybe I am getting old lol

I agree kimmy. darn wish he was home nights again errrrrrr

Mellors, I don't know -- this is so individual and personal that I can't possibly KNOW what you're doing right or wrong, ok?

Three possibilities come to mind:
a) you are/were with someone who you don't have the right sexual connection with
b) you're putting too much emphasis on the 'result', which does NOT work for a lot of women
c) I think it might be rare to find a woman/person that likes being in complete charge of the sexual experience. It doesn't sound healthy - in fact, my ex-husband always expected that I was supposed to be instantly orgasmic about whatever it is he was doing and if I wasn't, it was "because I didn't have an open mind" (his words). That wasn't true - my mind is extremely open about sex and intimacy, but I want balance and interactivity in my sexual relationship (not limited to a trapeze... heh). Someone who cares what *I* like, and wants sex to be about sharing rather than giving/taking. Someone like him (who expects to be in total control) might find someone like you (who wants to do as commanded) and everyone involved would be happy. But it doesn't sound like something I personally would want, nor does it would like something that could last very long.

Just some ideas...

Its been my experience that men are always ready and women are not always ready. At least for me. I don't need it all the time. But men seem to be able to and want to anytime all the time. It makes me feel like a vessel when its "expected" of me.

I don't mean to generalize, I know that not all men and not all women are alike, I'm just speaking from my own experience. I have yet to find a man who can take it or leave like me. I have yet to find a man who doesn't get mad when he's in the mood and I'm not. I know those men exist, I just haven't found one.

So mellors, I don't know how to answer your question......I guess just be understanding when the woman isn't in the mood. The more men push or get angry, the less turned on I get, until eventually, I don't want it at all.

I might be really jaded though, these are just opinions based on my past experiences.

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Raynaadi said:
Its been my experience that men are always ready and women are not always ready....But men seem to be able to and want to anytime all the time.

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That's because you're not past your fertility prime and trying to get pregnant...

Ok, reading the rest of your post now... sorry for the interlude

The "vessel" -- that's exactly how I described what my ex-husband expected of me. That, or an inflatable doll. He didn't seem to understand what 'intimacy' meant for me. He thought he was sufficiently intimate.

My (what I like to call "permanent") husband is terrific - we both have our good days and bad days, and he is compassionate and understanding. Guys like that ARE out there...

i guess what i am saying is i have never been in control when it comes to a sexual relationship, i have always done what i have been told, dont get me wrong, thats what i want, i want them to instigate everything, i want them to be in control, to tell me what to do, when to do it and how, i just dont get it when i do all of the above and somehow i am still not doing what they want, i pick domenering women for a reason, and that reason is lack of self confidence in myself, it doesnt help when i do what is desired of me and it still is not enough, when i tryed to instigate anything i got shot down quicker than a brit plane in a us airspace warzone, sorry low blow, but you get my point, blunt has it may be, how can i be to blame when the sexual relationship fails if i was not in control of it in the first place?

Can you point me towards one please? LOL.

Oh, and I am definetly NOT trying to get pregnant. I've moved into being accept that I don't want children hahha.

Mellors, I guess maybe you fit one of the possibilities I described above after all. I don't think the relationship model you describe can really work well in the long run...

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mellors said:how can i be to blame when the sexual relationship fails if i was not in control of it in the first place?

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Still thinking about this... I see a fallacy in your argument.

Try this - re-read your posts in this thread, substituting the word "responsibility" in place of the word "control".

IMO, an adult cannot relinquish all responsibility in a sexual relationship and then wonder why it fails.

rayn we are out there just keep looking, points very big finger at myself, and to be on the safe side the finger is "gift wrapped"

LMO i agree, it is a setup to failure, but whats a manchild to do? we see a lot of relationship issues pertaining to domeneering men on this site but not so many femdoms posting when they get what they ask for and it is still not enough for them i again ask what am i supposed to do?

LMO if i was not in control of the relationship to start with, i relinquished that right at the start of the relationship, then how can i be to blame if it doesnt work out?

LOL on the gift-wrapped finger...

Hmmmm...

Well, just a theory, but if I were a femdom, I'm not sure I'd be posting on a support site, wondering what I could do to make my partner please me more. I think I'd probably just move on to find someone who does.

It sounds as though your relationships would benefit from you doing first some intensive work on yourself and what drives you. If you're committed to staying exactly as you are, I worry that you'll be perpetually frustrated and wondering 'why?'.

You seem to have a good grasp of why you operate the way you do, but I'm not hearing motivation to change. Why keep going down the wrong path? If this is important to you, do you agree that some things need to change on your end?

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mellors said:
LMO if i was not in control of the relationship to start with, i relinquished that right at the start of the relationship, then how can i be to blame if it doesnt work out?

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I hate to use the word 'blame', but since you asked twice using the same word, I'll respond accordingly:

You are to blame for relinquishing RESPONSIBILITY for your end of the relationship. JMO

oh yes i think that things shoud change, but the sad thing is i wouldnt know where to start so i am forever stuck in the same rutt, forever questioning myself has to whether what i am doing is the right thing or not for me, in the end i end up in destructive relationships that work for noone, and the reason?, its all i know, i know no better, thats a hard pattern to get out off, and it doesnt help when it is facilitated / controled by one side of the partnership, my answer to this is to be alone and not get into a relationship of any kind, my answer is not working, i am so lonley, i want to reach out but i cant for fear of falling into the same trap over and over again, dont get me wrong i can hurt people emotionally just has much has they hurt me, i just chose not to, yet i do nothing about it when they hurt me, i guess i will always be alone, safer for all concerned

((((((((( mellors ))))))))))))

I'm really sorry. Am here for you

'how can i be to blame'

maybe... the appeal lies right there? if you take the passive role then how can you be to blame if anything goes wrong?

when you were little...

was your mother / father fairly controlling?

did they seem happiest with you when you disregarded your needs and followed their directions / instructions?

if that is a pattern...

then i guess you would have trouble even identifying what your needs / desires are. some people think they live their lives giving more to others than others give to them. they don't understand that oftentimes... that involves projecting their desires / wishes onto others and then acting in a way that meets that. if you can't identify what you need / want then identifying what others need / want can be harder too...

i guess this has become the catch all thread for everyone disclosing about their sexual issues...