ok I';ll bite the bullet

Mellors, I don't know -- this is so individual and personal that I can't possibly KNOW what you're doing right or wrong, ok?

Three possibilities come to mind:
a) you are/were with someone who you don't have the right sexual connection with
b) you're putting too much emphasis on the 'result', which does NOT work for a lot of women
c) I think it might be rare to find a woman/person that likes being in complete charge of the sexual experience. It doesn't sound healthy - in fact, my ex-husband always expected that I was supposed to be instantly orgasmic about whatever it is he was doing and if I wasn't, it was "because I didn't have an open mind" (his words). That wasn't true - my mind is extremely open about sex and intimacy, but I want balance and interactivity in my sexual relationship (not limited to a trapeze... heh). Someone who cares what *I* like, and wants sex to be about sharing rather than giving/taking. Someone like him (who expects to be in total control) might find someone like you (who wants to do as commanded) and everyone involved would be happy. But it doesn't sound like something I personally would want, nor does it would like something that could last very long.

Just some ideas...

Its been my experience that men are always ready and women are not always ready. At least for me. I don't need it all the time. But men seem to be able to and want to anytime all the time. It makes me feel like a vessel when its "expected" of me.

I don't mean to generalize, I know that not all men and not all women are alike, I'm just speaking from my own experience. I have yet to find a man who can take it or leave like me. I have yet to find a man who doesn't get mad when he's in the mood and I'm not. I know those men exist, I just haven't found one.

So mellors, I don't know how to answer your question......I guess just be understanding when the woman isn't in the mood. The more men push or get angry, the less turned on I get, until eventually, I don't want it at all.

I might be really jaded though, these are just opinions based on my past experiences.

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Raynaadi said:
Its been my experience that men are always ready and women are not always ready....But men seem to be able to and want to anytime all the time.

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That's because you're not past your fertility prime and trying to get pregnant...

Ok, reading the rest of your post now... sorry for the interlude

The "vessel" -- that's exactly how I described what my ex-husband expected of me. That, or an inflatable doll. He didn't seem to understand what 'intimacy' meant for me. He thought he was sufficiently intimate.

My (what I like to call "permanent") husband is terrific - we both have our good days and bad days, and he is compassionate and understanding. Guys like that ARE out there...

i guess what i am saying is i have never been in control when it comes to a sexual relationship, i have always done what i have been told, dont get me wrong, thats what i want, i want them to instigate everything, i want them to be in control, to tell me what to do, when to do it and how, i just dont get it when i do all of the above and somehow i am still not doing what they want, i pick domenering women for a reason, and that reason is lack of self confidence in myself, it doesnt help when i do what is desired of me and it still is not enough, when i tryed to instigate anything i got shot down quicker than a brit plane in a us airspace warzone, sorry low blow, but you get my point, blunt has it may be, how can i be to blame when the sexual relationship fails if i was not in control of it in the first place?

Can you point me towards one please? LOL.

Oh, and I am definetly NOT trying to get pregnant. I've moved into being accept that I don't want children hahha.

Mellors, I guess maybe you fit one of the possibilities I described above after all. I don't think the relationship model you describe can really work well in the long run...

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mellors said:how can i be to blame when the sexual relationship fails if i was not in control of it in the first place?

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Still thinking about this... I see a fallacy in your argument.

Try this - re-read your posts in this thread, substituting the word "responsibility" in place of the word "control".

IMO, an adult cannot relinquish all responsibility in a sexual relationship and then wonder why it fails.

rayn we are out there just keep looking, points very big finger at myself, and to be on the safe side the finger is "gift wrapped"

LMO i agree, it is a setup to failure, but whats a manchild to do? we see a lot of relationship issues pertaining to domeneering men on this site but not so many femdoms posting when they get what they ask for and it is still not enough for them i again ask what am i supposed to do?

LMO if i was not in control of the relationship to start with, i relinquished that right at the start of the relationship, then how can i be to blame if it doesnt work out?

LOL on the gift-wrapped finger...

Hmmmm...

Well, just a theory, but if I were a femdom, I'm not sure I'd be posting on a support site, wondering what I could do to make my partner please me more. I think I'd probably just move on to find someone who does.

It sounds as though your relationships would benefit from you doing first some intensive work on yourself and what drives you. If you're committed to staying exactly as you are, I worry that you'll be perpetually frustrated and wondering 'why?'.

You seem to have a good grasp of why you operate the way you do, but I'm not hearing motivation to change. Why keep going down the wrong path? If this is important to you, do you agree that some things need to change on your end?

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mellors said:
LMO if i was not in control of the relationship to start with, i relinquished that right at the start of the relationship, then how can i be to blame if it doesnt work out?

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I hate to use the word 'blame', but since you asked twice using the same word, I'll respond accordingly:

You are to blame for relinquishing RESPONSIBILITY for your end of the relationship. JMO

oh yes i think that things shoud change, but the sad thing is i wouldnt know where to start so i am forever stuck in the same rutt, forever questioning myself has to whether what i am doing is the right thing or not for me, in the end i end up in destructive relationships that work for noone, and the reason?, its all i know, i know no better, thats a hard pattern to get out off, and it doesnt help when it is facilitated / controled by one side of the partnership, my answer to this is to be alone and not get into a relationship of any kind, my answer is not working, i am so lonley, i want to reach out but i cant for fear of falling into the same trap over and over again, dont get me wrong i can hurt people emotionally just has much has they hurt me, i just chose not to, yet i do nothing about it when they hurt me, i guess i will always be alone, safer for all concerned

((((((((( mellors ))))))))))))

I'm really sorry. Am here for you

'how can i be to blame'

maybe... the appeal lies right there? if you take the passive role then how can you be to blame if anything goes wrong?

when you were little...

was your mother / father fairly controlling?

did they seem happiest with you when you disregarded your needs and followed their directions / instructions?

if that is a pattern...

then i guess you would have trouble even identifying what your needs / desires are. some people think they live their lives giving more to others than others give to them. they don't understand that oftentimes... that involves projecting their desires / wishes onto others and then acting in a way that meets that. if you can't identify what you need / want then identifying what others need / want can be harder too...

i guess this has become the catch all thread for everyone disclosing about their sexual issues...

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i guess this has become the catch all thread for everyone disclosing about their sexual issues...

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Yes, and that is the intention of this forum.

I think we're still on topic here, discussing why the "heat" goes out of relationships. The current discussion is definetly another reason for that.

You're right about needing to identify what one wants FIRST. I've really been working on that. I know what I want in a relationship, now I just have to find the one that "fits" so that I can be happy, and in turn, give back to the relationship.

I know it is the purpose of this forum.
Though of course it is more that it is PART or ONE of the purposes of the forum (lets not forget all the transgendered folk out there).

I thought threads were meant to be about supporting the person who initiates the thread...

But no matter. What do I care? Not a whole heap if it wasn't for this double standard kind of thing where some people get lots of these:



(if there is anything that could result in my actually smashing my computer it is that %#@&#! icon)

(and gee of course wouldn't it be funny to respond to me with some of those right now??? hehehe)

I guess I thought the topic was more why the heat has gone out of this particular relationship. There are many reasons, I guess... I guess I thought the poster wanted to know about their relationship rather than other peoples (where others may well be for different reasons)

Yes, this forum is about anything concerning sexual issues, including transgender issues. There can be many threads in a particular forum. This thread is about loosing "heat" in relationships.

Hope that clarified some. =)

~Rayna

k, will try again, freudian therory as never been one of my favorites alex, its a bit outdated and proven wrong repeatedly in most aspects, but so not to get off topic, neither parent were role models per se, so they cannot be held accountable for my behavioral traits today, i live by the live and learn rule, there are no absolutes, only the here and now, and where i am at now, you dont want to be here.

hey mellors.

i didn't mean for my post to be unsupportive to you, i was just concerned that the topic of the thread was how the original poster could get the heat back in their relationship.

as the discussion unfolded it became clear that it was how to spice up a fairly good 10 year long relationship.

as such, i guess i thought that troubles people are having with intimacy and control were seperate issues. but... it is okay :-)

freudian theory is indeed an outdated theory that has been shown to be false (or unfalsifyable) in many respects. fortunately, psychodynamic theorising has come a long way since freud. if you look at the state of other disciplines around the time of freud (biology, chemistry, physics, - there was no psychology, remember) then most of the theories of the day have since been found to be false in many respects. fortunately, theorising in the other sciences has come a long way since then.

there are four major schools of current psychodynamic theorising. ego psychology (which is most closely aligned to freud), object relations, something else that i can't remember..., and self psychology. while they are 'rival' in some respects they are also seen to be complimentary in some respects. there is a lot of recent work that has been done on the neurobiology of attachment that supports some psychodynamic theses such as:

- our attachment relationship to our early attachment figures is highly predictive of our personality / character traits later in life
- our attachment relationship to our early attachment figures is highly predictive of our attachment reltionships later in life

these theses have been empirically shown to be true. sure it is possible for people to 'transcend' early attachment relationships but the way in which people transcend them is by having 'remedial' experiences later in life.

it isn't about holding your parents accountable (blame is beside the point) but it is about attempting to understand why it is that you relinquish control to your attachment figures in the present. attachment relationships are meetings of two people and one person isn't completely responsible for the way things go.

maybe... instead of encouraging you to take control with manageable things so you could experience success with taking control your parent/s wanted to retain control (because of their own needs) and so now you are frightened to take control?

dunno... hard to say when i don't really know anything about you... things to think about at any rate...

I agree with Kimmy. From a male perspective, "shock" is a good thing.

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bebop said:
we have been together 10 yrs in april. biggest issue? ummm not really alot of issues here. we get along great! only one argument in those 10 yrs and it was very minor.

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Hmm -

YEP......... I would say that it is time to SPICE it up.

Please try and learn to be more up front with your own wants (and dislikes) - - - and if you have rarely been the initiator in the want sex department try and take charge at least once a week and do it with passion and fire.... let HIM know that YOU want HIM (and badly).

Relax and ENJOY!! -

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
Try this site for some spicy ideals - sign up for the FREE Newsletter.....

LINK: http://www.drlauraberman.com/PublicSite/Index.aspx

she should initiate at LEAST once a week? Rhapsody - really? After 25 years?

Wow - you're my hero

I consider my sex life to be pretty good but...

LOL LOL LOL = THANKS

and........................ once a week is giving HIM a break, for if I had it my way it would be more like three times a week - oh the good old days.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - Its All Good

there are things i do to my husband that seem to keep the "heat" alive.

sometimes during the day i send him sexy little text messages telling him what i would like to do when he gets home.

sometimes after the kids go to bed i will go hop in the shower and then make a "walk" through the living room wearing only a short t-shirt.

somtimes i even go as far as instigating things after he has gone to bed before me. ( those times are great)

hubby and i have been together for almost 14 years and have been married for 10 next week and we go through dry spells as well.

I try to tell him how sexy he is and make him feel good about himself.

~~~~~btw walking around the house naked, seems to spark the fire...