Is sex really this difficult to "figure out"?

So I've been reading about why I can't have an orgasm with my partner even though I usually can on my own and this is the most relatable thing I could find in an online article:
(from Get Real! Why Can't I Orgasm?)

So, if that's the issue, how in the world do I fix it? Even if I try to just enjoy sex for what it is and be perfectly fine with NOT having an orgasm that time (because it's just never going to happen apparently), my partner is always asking me if I'm about to orgasm…because it's not like I haven't told him several times THAT I WILL TELL HIM AND HE WILL KNOW WITHOUT AN EFFING SHADOW OF A DOUBT WHEN I ORGASM OR AM ABOUT TO.

This wouldn't even matter if it weren't causing me significant distress and causing me to want to punch people after very little provocation. That and it's starting to cause resentment and it would be a huge shame to destroy an otherwise good/healthy relationship over one thing that should be fixable, but since it's a girl's problem, no one really cares about it and there's almost no answers anywhere. Especially since I'm not inorgasmic, which is what 99.99% of the articles are about…I CAN have an orgasm. I have spent a lot of my life masturbating…IT DOESN'T HELP. I know what works for me, I've communicated that, and he's done it…IT DOESN'T HELP.

It also doesn't help that he has a huge issue with premature ejaculation (basically intercourse lasting 30 seconds is met with "Wow, you lasted really long that time!"). I mean, I can be patient with that and help him with that if I didn't have my own impossible issues. What did I do to be hit with all these issues at once?! I mean, if sex actually worked, this relationship would be as close to perfect as is possible. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! And how do I fix it?

P.S. No, I'm not going to break up with him over this. The relationship is worth being sexually unsatisfied. Besides, I'd have the same problem with whoever I'm with anyway, but at least he treats me with love and respect unlike the vast majority of men!

Could you both just relax and enjoy things w/o worrying over orgasms? It seems like one or both of you are looking at sex as competitive sport or exhibition with a starting line, a finish line, and maybe even timer and a judge. Do you ever have a Round 2 after his premature ejaculation? Maybe just relax and make love... or just ****

I'm trying to relax…I just need to tell him to stop asking all the time if I'm about to orgasm.

It's interesting that you'd mention competition…honestly, I see myself comparing myself to him in other ways…we're in the same career field, both doctoral students, and have similar specialties (thankfully not the exact same thing). I've always been way too competitive with men in general and I feel like I have issues with that with him. He does nothing to provoke it, nor does he make me feel inferior unless it's by accident because I generally just hear what I want to hear if you know what I mean.

Yes, there's usually a round 2, maybe even a round 3. I think sometimes he might purposely not get off a second or third etc. time just to prevent me from feeling more bad about not being able to orgasm. He's at least not the sort of guy who gets off and then rolls over and goes to sleep, ignoring me.

I just need to know that it's possible for me to even have an orgasm, then I could relax and not worry about it. But as of now, it may never happen for all I know…all the reading I've done on it, I've never heard of anyone who's overcome my particular problem. I don't even know if others have even had the same problem with the same circumstances as me. Everything I read has to do with women who can't orgasm on their own or with a partner…I'm fine on my own. I just feel an immense pressure over it…I feel really guilty about not being able to get off even though he's expending a lot of effort. I'm by far the most "difficult" person he's ever been with.

You aren't finding the right articles. There are a LOT of women who can't orgasm with a partner but can on their own. I think the fact that you are only finding articles about women who can't orgasm at all is making you feel like more of a freak, when its actually quite common. Have you tried introducing toys into the bedroom? I know a lot of women GASP! at even the mention of this as they don't want to insult their partners performance, but it totally isn't about that. The guys I've been with have all thought it was totally hot to use toys on me and to watch me use toys on myself. If a guy feels shamed by the performance of a toy because he can't get the job done, that's his problem. Why should I suffer with no orgasms and getting off behind his back simply because I can't always orgasm with him? Try toys, they may help you relax more.

We haven't tried toys, but we've discussed it. He isn't insulted or anything. I guess the reason I haven't pushed harder for it was that I was hoping something else would work first, but that appears to not be the case.

If this is such a common problem, how do other people cope with it? And if it's a solvable problem, wouldn't there be success stories out there? Also, just on here for example, the women mentioned in the threads are usually having an orgasm…so does that mean most women are having orgasms in dysfunctional sexual relationships or do some just fake it/lie about it? I mean, we're really attracted to each other both physically and emotionally, we have great chemistry both sexually and on a best friend sort of level, and I'm able to get very aroused…so I'm having a hard time figuring out what's wrong. It seems like the perfect environment for great sex and now it's only fine and somewhat unfulfilling.

"It also doesn't help that he has a huge issue with premature ejaculation (basically intercourse lasting 30 seconds is met with "Wow, you lasted really long that time!"). I mean, I can be patient "

Hi, one thing I learned is to never mention that he doesn't last long enough. I'm sure you know that and I'm not trying to make you feel worse, its just that I was like that too. I never enjoyed the actual "intercourse" part, for a reason, but once I finally was enjoying it I realized he just wasn't able to last long enough. Big mistake to tell him that.

If you are just upset because the actual intercourse itself isn't getting you to orgasm, I think you are part of a huge club. I never did.

Oddly, don't know if it would help, but he tried the viagra stuff, even though it wasn't that he couldn't get it up, it was that he couldn't last long enough, and that helped him to keep it up much longer.

I hope you can try to just enjoy each other, and be thankful you have someone there who loves you.

Any chance your past sexual experiences may be wreaking havoc in your present?


I remember you stating in a thread that all you sexual experiences with male partners were unpleasant, you felt coerced, obligated, you had to get juiced up on alcohol in order to engage in these acts, and so forth...


At times, our subconscious unfortunately also has a say in our orgasms..


Just a thought, discard if I'm way off base.

With a whole lot of patience & time, on your part and his.

Yes. He needs to know that you feel pressured when he asks, and this makes it more difficult for you.

As I wrote in your previous thread, I have personally overcome this problem. I was able to have an orgasm on my own, but not with a partner. Now, I can have one with my partner. And so have a lot of other women. Trust me.

I assume he's also a 20-something? Honestly, he sounds kind of sexually naive to me. I find it hard to believe that every single one of his lovers was able to have an easy (or even easier) orgasm. Enormous numbers of women fake orgasms. I mean, ENORMOUS numbers. I find it more likely that this was the case with at least some of his previous lovers. Or maybe he's working with a very small sample size. Also, he sounds like a nice guy, but I think it's uncool that he has told you this. I find that to be shaming and pressuring, even if he doesn't mean it to be. That could just be me. But as a hetero female, I'd never tell a lover "wow, all of my other lovers have lasted way longer than you." Just nope.

Whatever works, works. A vibrator is basically what solved my problem. And the MIND-BLOWING orgasms I have with toys have convinced me that for me personally, resisting them is just silly.

Overall, in your posts, I hear a lot of guilt and negative thinking. I hope that you can tune out that inner narrative and just keep going with the attitude that eventually, it will happen. Those negative inner voices won't help you get there. I know how hard it is to get past those feelings & thoughts, though.

I think you're on to something here…we talked about it today and he confirmed that my past seems to have had a larger impact on my present than I originally thought.

I can't say no. I think it's especially difficult in this situation because it's not like I don't want to have sex at all, I'm just not always 100% into it and sometimes I feel like that's all we do…we do other stuff of course, but to me there just seems to be too much emphasis on sex.

He's actually in his 30's…I don't think he has nearly the experience of an average guy his age though. In fact, this relationship is almost the longest he's ever been in. That's why it's difficult to talk about some of these things…in the conversation we had today about my issues with consent etc., he thought I was breaking up with him.

Those previous girls must have been faking it…I was apparently being the most difficult after only the second or third try. And to be fair, I asked him if I was the most difficult to get to orgasm, he didn't come out and say it unasked. And I would prefer the truth over a lie to spare my feelings.

I have this feeling that this is all strange to him and he doesn't understand why my body doesn't react to sexual touch like a normal person's. I think he's gotten to a point that he's run out of things to try and I'm not much help because I can only get myself off in a very limited number of ways and if he asks me what he can do, it makes me anxious and guilty because I don't know. And even if I did, frequently it would be difficult and embarrassing to say.

In addition to adding toys to your 'adult play time', there are some excellent instructional videos out there - no, I don't mean you-tube - on websites like Adam and Eve. We are not born knowing how our bodies actually work sexually. I find simultaneous clitoral and g-spot stimulation work best and can be done during intercourse with mind blowing results. Also, a cock ring is a simple solution for men who prematurely ejaculate as it helps them maintain an erection much longer. Knowing exactly where your g-spot is a must as well. Also, it takes PRACTICE. If anything you try doesn't work the first time, let it go for the day and try again later.

Good luck and have fun!

It has to just be me though...if everyone went through this, I don't imagine most would continue having sex. It's not just a lack of orgasms, it's the fact that I don't often enjoy what's going on as much...it seems exciting beforehand, but once we're in the act, I often feel disappointed. Physically, I either don't feel anything or I feel like I'm hitting a wall. And I feel worse and worse about it the more I read because most people are having great sex and I feel subhuman. I already feel terrible about myself because of school/lack of career prospects etc. I really don't need something else I can't do right. If only I had the heart (or lack thereof) to fake it so he could at least feel good about it.

We even thought we'd found my g-spot, but the next time we tried it was well...gone. That was the first time I truly felt something. Then my stupid body had to get my period a couple days early and I had to wait 6 days before I could convince him to try to touch me again and it wasn't in the same spot anymore. And that was still a bit of a stretch as that part of me is clearly gross for 7 straight days. Although, my period is finally over, but I still feel gross.

I have no idea where my g spot is. I don't miss it much.

I have found that my sexual pleasure varies a lot with different partners. I faked it a lot. Some guys just were not my style. I seldom had orgasms during sex until my last BF.

How long should I continue like this until I see a sex therapist? I'm starting to not even really enjoy trying to figure it out. I feel guilty, but I've been starting to wonder when it'll be over even right after it begins. At least intercourse anyway, but I can't tell what's supposed to be so enjoyable about it anyway.

I can't even enjoy getting off by myself anymore either…all of a sudden erotica I used to enjoy turns me off and I find porn to be triggering. It's upsetting to see someone even pretend to have an orgasm. Even if I just ignore all of that and get off anyway, there's still guilt afterwards. If I get off earlier in the day and go see my partner, then it'll be next to impossible to get off with him. I would be extremely lucky to get off twice in a single day and those have to be separated by several hours. And that's rare. Or I just feel badly about getting off on my own since I wanted it to be with him…

Can regular therapists help with this? I'll be seeing one next week.