Really not so sure about myself/relationship issues. Appreciate advice and feedback x

Hi guys x So I'm a bit confused. Okay, VERY confused, about my gender/sexuality... I don't like talking of this as it seems ridiculous and OTT, but it's affecting my sense of self esteem and identity...so here goes

Cutting to the chase, I was a bit of a tomboy as a child. When I grew up I was still a bit of a tomboy up to the age of 16 when I was encouraged...well, and sort of 'pushed into'...being more "feminine", in terms of dress.

I'm 20 now and still I feel as though something is still missing in terms of being "myself". My first ever boyfriend (ex now) told me he accepted and loved me for me, not what was between my legs. He didn't seem to bat an eyelid when I came out to him about when I used to dress as / want to be a boy when I was a young teenage girl. Neither did he leave me when I told him I didn’t feel very “feminine” and didn’t like dresses etc. I thought he’d be put off because of all that, my illness (see below), the fact I’m not particularly “bubbly”…I can be very quiet but also dramatic and loud at times...but no…

As a child I had an illness which caused me to get badly bullied and I felt very isolated too, during junior and secondary school. No doubt, the illness and bullying itself definitely affected my sense of esteem and identity. (Still have the illness now and tbh I do feel different, or brace being taken the p!ss out of or not accepted or liked etc.)

I don’t really have a problem being more “feminine” when I’m home with my partner or maybe out, but to be honest, it fluctuates terribly…I am so confused about who I am.

Sounds to me like you might be gender questioning. In 'The Transexual Phenomenon' Dr Harry Benjamin writes that transexualism is a sliding scale. You can be more or less trans, it's not the case that you either are or aren't. I'm somewhat trans myself, genetically male with some feminine traits. I suggest you seek out a therapist with experience in gender issues. For myself I have decided not to live as a woman 24/7. I occasionally crossdress and that relieves the gender dysphoria

What is it like to be you when experiencing a "feminine" feeling, and when experiencing a "not feminine" feeling?

Hey Olivia,

fluctuation can happen for many reasons - it's nothing to worry about. What's important is that you reach a point where you feel comfortable. You don't have to fit into a box, either in terms of gender or sexuality.

If you feel like it, stop by in the transgender forum - we also discuss non-binary and gender fluid identities there .

:wave:

I'm not entirely sure. I mean I am comfortable in this body dare i say even enjoy being in this body and being a woman but just not in the society conventions of it i.e. tall slim gorgeous social butterfly, or of recent curvy sexy great at drawing into all the "right" films, games and music, tattooed, pierced, etc...

I don't fall into either of those and I have used to change myself just to seem attractive to men but...at the end of the day and through the hard way i realized how detrimental this was to my psyche...

I still have awful loneliness pangs which last for weeks, months at a time, but i think being your true self is one of the kindest things you can do for your mental health...

Thanks for your response.

If I understand you correctly, really you feel pretty comfortable being a woman and being in a woman's body, but it hurts when family and/or social expectations for what a woman "should" be or "should" do or "should" wear conflict with what you want to be or do or wear. It sounds like such experiences might even be trigger-like for you, bringing up the pain of rejection and isolation that you felt as a child.

On the other hand, though, you also said at first that you can be confused about your gender and sexuality. Would you be willing to share more about the times when that confusion seems particularly prominent, and what it feels like for you when it does become so prominent?

I'm a female and I never in my life wore a skirt min , and all that girly stuff but that dose not make me less of a woman . I like to wear what makes me feel good about myself not what others think I should wear .

Just to clarify, gender expression (e.g. the way you dress) isn't the same as gender identity. So you can identify as 100% female and not want to dress "girly". You can dress and behave girly but not identify as a woman.