LONG POST: Reaction Formation, the rejection of my own sexual orientation.

Start a new thread asking it as no one else but me reads this thread.

Ps if it wasn't a big part of you who are you wouldn't be as upset about it

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm not sure I have the authority to make an entirely new thread based on this one, that might upset a mod or an admin... also, over 500 people have viewed this thread, so it's either nobody's actually reading it but you or they're just skimming. My head hurts, I'm gonna go lie down.

You can start whatever threads you want. I could open one if you want

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I've been reading this thread for a while now and have to agree with Divine that sexuality is a huge part of who you are. I'm bisexual and struggled with this for the duration of my teenage years, finally coming to terms with it and accepting that, yes, I am a woman who is sexually attracted to both men and women. It's men that I prefer being in relationships with though.

It's very liberating to do so, and I highly recommend you do the same.

Man, this is just... I don't know, this whole day has been a bust for me. Had a conversation with my father about psychiatry and some other ethical issues at lunch, it left a bad taste in my mouth and now I have that lingering anxiety that my whole family is plotting some sort of coup against me to disown me or have me thrown in a group home or something-- I know they're not, it just feels that way. I think it's because I saw a pig car earlier, pig cars have always made me anxious-- I have no reason to fear cops, I'm a law abiding citizen but with all the stuff on the news about how cops just ruthlessly murder people for no reason all I see when I see a pig cruiser is someone who I think may want to hurt me.

One of my former students is always petrified that his dad will kick him out. No one kicks him out. He calls me or comes by school every few days terrified. He once even asked to call his dad asked not to kick him out. I know his dad. He isn't kicking no one out

Being scared of cops is rather typical. I am not but know many who are.

Hang in there

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Believe me, I know they're not gonna kick me out. My family, the dysfunctional disposition aside is fairly laid back about that kind of thing. We don't like to talk about our mental problems until we have to.

As for cops, especially if you're gay or black (or heaven forbid both) you should be leery of them-- they're sociopaths with badges that give them a licence to kill anyone they see as unfit and get a paid vacation for doing so. Part of me is afraid to go to a gay bar because I feel like some fat pig will bust in, hit me over the head with his billy club and drag me out to the sidewalk and curb stomp me and scream something like "Guess you don't have such a purdy mouth, now, do ya, boy?"

You probably don't like to be stereotyped yet you just stereotyped the entire profession. That is uncalled for. I know plenty of cops, none are what you described. Calling all cops sociopath is just ....don't even know what to tell you. Many people on here might be married to cops or have children who are cops or cops themselves. Your comments are offensive

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My uncle is a sheriff and is nothing like you so offensively described law enforcement to be. It's their job to protect and serve, and yes, sometimes they cross the line. I won't deny that, but a good majority of officers are hard working, law abiding and go out and beyond the call of their duties.

I would love an apology, but I know that those aren't always forthcoming, so yeah. I'll just get back to the original topic. What exactly are you seeking? Comfort? Understanding? Compassion for your situation? I've been right where you are right now several years ago. I would, for the longest time, tell myself that being sexually attracted to women was wrong and that the fantasies in my head were sick, twisted, and vile.

I suffered greatly from this, just as you are now. I don't see why you have to allow yourself to suffer like this. Just embrace your sexuality as being part of yourself. You were born this way, you certianly didn't choose to be this way, or who you would find yourself attracted to, so why fight it?

It's so much simpler, so much easier to just stop fighting. To stop getting in your own way and let yourself just go with those feelings, that sexuality that is an integral part of you.

I'm sorry to say, but you are your biggest enemy, your own biggest obistical, what have you. And if you don't feel comfortable with going to a gay bar, then try gay dating sites online. Much less hassle and you can browse the potential candidates from the comfort of your own home.

I had a therapist tell me once, when I started to get some sex I would stop talking about it so much. You know what? He was right.

I had a therapist tell me the same thing, as well as dozens of friends who all told me all I needed was to 'get laid' and when I finally did (with a woman) it didn't get better, it got a worse. It got a whole lot worse.

If I get laid with a woman it would get worse too as I am not attracted to them. The point is to go for the ones you are attracted to. If they are men then go for men

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Just getting laid didn't really do the trick. It was when I established my first meaningful long term relationship with benefits. That was the best medicine for me. Really, the doctor I was seeing at the time couldn't believe how fast I improved without taking any head meds

I tried to convince op to just start looking for a date/relationship and not worry about sex. I know I obsessively think of sex when I am either not with someone it am in
A bad relationship. When I am in a nice relationship (that doesn't happen too often lol) sex stops being an issue.

Look for love and sex will stop being number one concern

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm at the point in the night where I'm starting to agree with this.

Can you go on a date with a mutual friend? That way if it turns out bad your friend can be there to support you?

I do think you should try to date and maybe see a psych about taking a light anti-anxiety right before the date. I think that making the date and not going is only enforcing your fears because you don't get to the place where you can see that not all relationships are the same nor are they all destructive again. Can you also talk to this old therapist that said you have c-ptsd and see if they can refer you to a lgbtqia+ specialist who works on a sliding scale/community center?

Sorry I didn't reply earlier.

It may be that you have asexual tendencies. Still, since you have so little interpersonal sexual experience, it's hard to say for sure. Basically, it's time to do research. Go to a gay bar - NOT FOR SEX - but to meet similar people. Hang out. See how others deal with it, make new friends, etc. Try to meet others who have similar tastes and interests so that you can bond. If you decide to experiment with gay sex, that's fine. If not, that's fine too. Put yourself out there in real time and see how it goes. You cannot make a decision based solely on on-line experiences, you need real time experience. Also try to connect with others who identify as asexual and see if you have much in common with them.

As a gay man myself, and not a very successful one at that (unlike you, I lack looks and personality and an understanding family), I think you need more knowledge to determine if gay life is for you. I don't think that many gays really like being gay. They try to make the most of life as best they can. Being gay does not mean you have to dress differently or act differently or be catty, etc. You DO KNOW who you are attracted to - bear men. That is a HUGE plus. Also, they are the most friendly gays going so if there is a crowd you want to be involved in then there's a lot of good company there. Of course, there are some bears that may not be to your liking, however; I think you do know what you're looking for personality wise and won't waste your time with those who are not for you.

Your lack of experience and fears can be overcome. You do have the personal skills and looks to meet likeminded bears. I've met other gays who were very affected by their parents divorce. It can pollute your beliefs and thoughts - you might see love as a bad thing considering what happened to the two most important people in your young life. Perhaps deep down you don't want acceptance of your sexual orientation based on their liberal religious views - rather you want their acceptance of you for who you are - their child. Maybe their separation and divorce hurt you. You wanted a childhood like everyone else and now want to be straight like everyone else. Sadly, a childhood with both parents in the house did not happen for you. They did not give you what you wanted from them - a peaceful home with two loving parents. Is that a good reason to deny yourself love now? Because their love for each other faded and made you hide your problems then when you needed both of them together? It seems that they know the real you but perhaps have never really discussed with you just who you are. Are they waiting for you to do the work (instead of them as the adults in your life) and say, "mom, dad - I'm gay." I sense their divorce hurt your feelings a long time ago. They were too preoccupied with it to give you enough attention then. Did their arguing turn you off to love? Did it make you feel that your existence was a problem? Avoidance may have worked for you then - by being a good boy so as not to make problems when far bigger ones existed - but it isn't working for you now. You have a lot going for you that would make being successful in the gay community very workable. You need to do research to allay your fears and concerns. It may not be what you really want but you can make the best of it if you try. It's time to research and try life in real time. It's time to admit that avoidance is not doing you any good anymore.