Teen in need

My life's been nothing but confusion since January this year. I'm suffering sexual identity issues, Im scared im going to turn out gay, and it's eating me alive.

It all started when I was at school, and some boys seriously bullied me. They accused me of being gay, and that when I denied, I was only lying to myself. They tortured me almost, they wouldnt stop asking me if I was gay.

After that, a huge mark was made in my mind. I became self conscious, I began asking if perhaps they knew something I didnt know. Id do something Id think was quite gay, eg, say something very camp like "Look at your hair".

To make matters worse, I was loving a girl unrequitedly, which added to my torment, as I wasnt recieving any female attention. Ironically, I wasnt sexually fantacising about men at this point. I was just scared of becoming something I didnt want to become.

It only got worse. I kept checking my actions, looking at things I did and thinking "That was really gay what you just did!" I continued liking this girl, and wishing shed just look at me, and love me. To be fair, I know a good looking man when I see one, but it was nothing sexual. Looking back I can see that I wasnt attracted to men at this point of my confusion, yet it still ate away at me.

Then it began, my fantasies. I had a dream about a guy and kissing him goodnight, and when I woke up I was freaked out! I thought, "There's only one way you're going!". I began to try and see if sexual images of men would turn me on, and they didnt. But my mind wouldnt rest.

I then began to look at my past. Things I did that were questionable, eg the mancrushes I had, times when I thought a guy was good looking.... thoughts that made me think that perhaps ive always been gay but never realised it. But I had always been attracted to females, crush after crush on the opposite sex etc

But I suppose crisises like this only make light from the bad things. Carrying on, I kept thinking "was my life a lie? Did I just fancy girls because I thought I was meant to?" even then, Id much rather live that lie than be gay (no offence to gay people out there)

Sometimes my sexual anxieties would fade, and id think to myself "Why on earth didya go through that phase?" for three days Id be completely at ease with myself, and see women for the beauties they always were with me. I even met a girl who I really liked, and I liked to hav thought liked me too. Were still in touch now, and I wish she culd be my girlfriend.

But my confusion started again, and i keep thinking about kissing my male friends. My attraction to girls has withered, and im scared itll never return, and I'll be doomed to live a lifestyle bullies hav always wanted me to live. You see Ive always been accused of being gay in my life, since primary school. Maybe it was eventually always going to conflict with me.

I tried "gaying" myself up, eg acting gay and seeing if I enjoyed it, I only feel uncomfortable! When I hug male, and whilst I hav no problem doing this, I dont "feel" anything... When a guy was acting gay around me and pretending to do sexual stuff to me, I wasnt turned on. Yet my anxiety remains...........

Life was so beautiful before! What Id do to go back to that time when my mind was free, and my fate wasnt such a huge issue