Masturbation Question

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Lexicon78 said:
I feel like I have a major problem with this. I cannot achieve orgasm with anyone but myself. I don't know if it's because I"m a survivor of many cases of abuse, and the only way I can do it is laying down and locking my legs in a straight position.

I feel like I"m a freak because this is the only way...at least for me...I've really tried other ways but it doesn't work...I just can't get "there."

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Just wanted to reintroduce the original question in this thread so we stay on topic.

Any information provided to answer the poster's original question is welcome. It is then up to the poster to take the information they like and leave the rest.

Lets leave any debates out of this thread please. A "debate" thread would need to be started so as not to hijack.

Thanks,

~Rayna

PS - I did a quote of the original post so I don't know who its gonna look like I'm replying to. Just wanted to mention that I'm not replying to anyone, just throwing out a reminder.

It really was not my intention to %#@&#! you off....

I did not mention that I do appreciate what you had to say but I hope that you too will consider the beauty of what I had to say and the journey it took to be able to experience that , much more...the ability to share it here. It was a coming out of sorts for me.

I do respect your journey and perhaps I did not relay that. I apparently hit a major trigger for you.

You do sound incredibly angry though .... and I wish you a little peace within. I suppose that your anger gives (me) an impression that this is the only way you would consider and your blinders are on. You need to do whatever works for you. Evidently you have found it...

That does not mean that we can not each find our way. I do not wish to be on negative terms with you. I just really got here and I admit I need to be here and would like to be.

In my book this is not an all or nothing deal. We all have our issues and I was just shaing what my experience is.

I am still feeling my way along here.... and am not sure what the community boundaries are....

But .... I also do not think I accused anyone of always masturbating and not being with a husband.... They both have their function. One can still (I hope) have a wonderful relationship with their SO and still masturbate and take care of their very own needs on a personal level.

I suppose I was just talking about how I get there and more of the total mindful and physical experience that I alone experience.

That is what works for me.... and ...guidelines of individual relationships are certainly just that....individual. I would say that the barriers within a relationship could certainly make a person nonorgasmic if they were not agreed upon on a deep psychological basis and that that indeed is relavent.

Thanks.

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SecretGarden said:
It really was not my intention to %#@&#! you off....

You do sound incredibly angry though .... and I wish you a little peace within. I suppose that your anger gives (me) an impression that this is the only way you would consider and your blinders are on. You need to do whatever works for you. Evidently you have found it...

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Hmm - I am not for sure what ANGER you are talking about or thought you picked up on in my words.... for there was none while I was writing them. Maybe it was just a misinterpretation or wrong assumption?

I am open to listening to any ones opinion and I hope others are open to listening to mine - heck I have even changed my opinion after listening to some ones opinion and like I said :
"We take what we want from a post and then We leave the rest be for another"

So, please rest assure that I am not angry at you (or any one) nor am I @%& off as you put it (silly small grin w/ a laugh) - I am a rather calm person and it takes a lot more than mere words or expression of another's opinion to get me upset - let alone angry.

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Lexicon...... I hope you find the answer you are seeking and maybe it will be found with in the words of so many wise members on here - keep looking and it will come to you in time.

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

OK... Sometimes I take things wrong...and am a sensitive soul... you are well defended... Perhaps that is what I was feeling.

That is o.k....

Later.

What about bringing yourself to orgasm in the presence of your partner as part of your love-making? Is that approved? Would that count as masturbation? How do you do the eyes wide open thing if you need to wear your glasses and you've placed them on the night table? I'm really uncomfortable with these claims. I'm sure eyes wide open is as a nice experience but there are many ways to spice up your relationship with your partner. Women (or for that matter anyone) should not be discouraged from a sensual/sexual relationship with their own bodies. I just plain don't belive the statistics as I have had a relationship with myself and with my husband of 29 years. The only problem I have experienced is because of lexapro, not masturbation! Just my thoughts.......

its all good. no hard feelings. i just got concerned about the message that the poster might be taking (i.e., that it was indeed a severe problem that she had caused in herself because she had masterbated without looking in her partners (husband?) eyes).

brings up interesting issues about 'merger' relationships too...

i'm reminded of an alanis morrissette song (i found this line quite striking)

'I believe that one and one makes two'

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sister said:

(1) What about bringing yourself to orgasm in the presence of your partner as part of your love-making? Is that approved? Would that count as masturbation?

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As I stated in one of my other post in this thread....
If you are going to masturbate at least do it with your partner watching and do it with EYES WIDE OPEN and look directly into your partners eyes at the moment of climax - your orgasm.

... and make sure you are having sexual orgasms more with your partners physical body than that of an adult toy.

... and maybe even try letting him use the toy on you to the point of you having an orgasm and then let him finish with you - just another way to spice up a sex life and to allow both of you to enjoy the pleasure of sexual climax.

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sister said:
(2) How do you do the eyes wide open thing if you need to wear your glasses and you've placed them on the night table?

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You do the EYES WIDE OPEN thing as any one else would and you look him straight in the eyes still at the moment of your climax..... my husband wears soft contacts and he takes them out every night and we still practice the EYES WIDE OPEN thing (with or with out his extra pair of eyes - the view just isn't always clear - lol) - and trust ME there are times that neither one of us can keep our eyes wide open let alone keep our eyes fixated upon each other.... that's a good thing.

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sister said:
(3) I'm really uncomfortable with these claims. I'm sure eyes wide open is as a nice experience but there are many ways to spice up your relationship with your partner. Women (or for that matter anyone) should not be discouraged from a sensual/sexual relationship with their own bodies. I just plain don't believe the statistics as I have had a relationship with myself and with my husband of 29 years.

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Please keep in mind that the EYES WIDE OPEN thing was not suggested as a means to spice up ones sex life (even though it can), but it was suggested as advice on how the original poster could possibly solve her issue of not being able to climax - have an orgasm with a person after years of self pleasure.

And please keep in mind that I was not discouraging any one from partaking of self pleasure - I even stated that I too partake of this pleasure from time to time.... for I do believe in knowing how your body reacts (good & bad) so you may show your partner what turns you on, teach him.... I have even shared on many different occassions that my husband and I have our own liitle treasure chest of adult toys that we share together.

It is good to hear that you and your husband both have a good sex life with each other and with your self..... but please keep in mind once again that I was replying to those that do have a problem or difficulties having an orgasm with a person after masturbating for many of years by themselves - there is always a majority in any situation and there is always a minority.... and only we can tell which we fit into and if one fits into the area of "cannot" then this practice may help them - it helped ME.

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~ Its All Good ~

Children are often found to masturbate, even as babies. It's a natural thing, and it's how we learn to please ourselves, so we can teach our partners. Patients with problems sexually who have never masturbated are usually instructed to masturbate and learn about their bodies by therapists.

I've masturbated more than having a partner, and I sometimes use a toy, and sometimes I don't. I've had orgasms with all methods. I know many people who claim the same, and read of many more.

I think that the eye to eye thing is nice .... but I think that what is in the brain is what matters. Does the eye to eye thing help circumvent what might historically be in the brain (past abuse...help focus and deny the presence of that) or does it help confirm what is currently in the brain (and in the heart) and where you currently wish to focus?

What would you be thinking of if your eyes were shut?

I think that what is going on in the brain is important...

Hope this is not too personal.... Just thinking it through a bit...

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SecretGarden said:

Masturbation may open up a person to their sexuality and what a gift that is...and how ACCEPTABLE that is to be o.k. with that part of themselves and encourage growth. I know that men and women can get used to orgasming in one way and that can be adjusted over time and practice to work. That is not to cut off the possibilities of release.

Also... as silly as this may seem...I will share on a psych board... it has been good for me to first allow and now encourage and look forward to my making love to ME. It is healing. It is a gift I give myself and I do not have to depend on anyone else to give that to me. It comes from within. It is a good thing and it is a private thing. That is just one of many uses now that I am comfortable with this practice but it has been such a wonderful gift to me. I may be alone but I am still blooming.


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this is what i was agreeing with. i was married to two different men who never went out of their way to please me. i found out how to do it, on my own, after my second divorce. if i had not found the key to that.....i'm appalled at what i would be missing now......... i'm not desensitized to having an orgasm with a man just because i "love" myself when i want to. it's actually made it better. xoxox pat

Thank you Fayerody. This is the heart of what I was saying. It has been invaluable and I agree with how much it has added to my life.

The other stuff that I stated in that post was not secondary to what you have quoted.

It is beautifully stated and I am proud....even if I did say it myself. lol....

you're welcome..........pat

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SecretGarden said:
I think that the eye to eye thing is nice .... but I think that what is in the brain is what matters.

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B I N G O
YOU GOT IT - - - - - for the EYES help tell the BRAIN what to do and what it likes.... sexually.

Thank you....

So I say that where your brain is is paramont to the connection sexually. If one has not dealt with the things that are in the brain from the past and secure with where it is now.... (with this loved and trusted soul no matter the past of one's life) then the eyes will not work. The brain also needs to be comfortable with the self and what the self is giving. If the brain is where it needs to be ....the eye lock will be beautiful I am sure....

was secondary.... correct to earlier post.... of last night...

kegel exercises, thats what i was thinking of:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/keg...rcises/WO00119

they strengthen your pelvic floor muscles (so you have more volountary control over them).

my thought was... that control over pelvic floor muscles might well assist orgasm. it might be that making your legs go ridid is a way of firming your pelvic floor muscles for orgasm and kegal exercises might teach you to isolate them such that you don't need to make your legs go rigid.

apparently people typically start doing kegal exercises on their backs... but once you get the hang of it you can do them on your stomach, standing up, etc etc.

just a thought

I can attest to the fact that, if you do kegels regularly and consistently, it can, indeed, improve your orgasms! I need to get back into doing those.

I don't know if people typically start doing them on their backs, but I don't think you need to "get the hang of them" to do them anywhere. I've never read that, and I'm not saying you didn't, alexandra, just saying that I've never heard of anyone having difficulty in any position. You can learn the muscles to use when you're peeing, just by stopping and starting your flow.

There are also tools you can buy to help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, like the Kegelcisor or the Gyneflex, but you don't need any tools to do it; the tools just provide more challenge, just like you don't need weights to work out your arms, but weights build bigger muscles.

lol. to tell you the honest truth... i didn't know about this stuff AT ALL until i had a chat conversation with someone a couple weeks ago. i mean... i figured out all on my lonesome (and my partner helped a bit) about 'clenching inside' (was how i put it lol) to help the orgasms along in different positions... but i just learned about the exercises and stuff!

apparently some women do have considerable difficulty being able to isolate those muscles. there was some suggestion that one could put a finger inside and if you can feel yourself clenching around it then yeah, you have those muscles. i remember when someone i knew gave birth they had the exercise on the back of the bathroom. i tried to stop midstream but i couldn't! i wonder if i could do it now... i think i'm going to start practicing these properly... internal organ distension sounds icky

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Maven said:
I can attest to the fact that, if you do kegels regularly and consistently, it can, indeed, improve your orgasms! I need to get back into doing those.

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I have done them and they did NOTHING! NOTTA!! for ME....
I tried them for muscle tightening & bladder control after giving birth to three 9 lb babies naturally.

Yeah RIGHT!!

Maybe they might work on a female that has little to no sexual experience and that has never birthed even a single child - lol.

1) are you sure you were doing them correctly? apparently a lot of women think they are doing them but turns out they aren't isolating the correct muscles very effectively.
2) how long did you do them for? how many times a day? the notion is that a few reps a few times a day... and improvement does take a while (months).
3) with respect to tracking your progress you can get weighted cones for an objective measure of progress.
4) the idea is to 'brace yourself' before laughing, lifting, standing and all those things that tend to result in bladder dyscontrol.

i guess some people weight lift and weight lift and weight lift... and it not do anything. i suppose it is possible...

i've done them in elevators......... and in high heels, at that.......

Well I have heard it that you do it like you have an elevator inside of you going up and going down. I can feel it as I go up and down. I do Kegals often in front of my computer home and at work. I like to think it has helped me. Less middle age peeing probs lately at least. Bother.

YES....... I did them correctly and I isolated those muscle, even had in office training with my GP - lol.

did you take that training on the road... or wherever?