[Zelev]

About 3 months ago, I met Tasha, a 37 year old woman, through a popular online dating site. She contacted me. Her profile had no pictures. There's a 13 year age difference between us. Initially we just started out messaging only. I'm an ex-bodybuilder and Tasha was primarily interested in fitness advice because she admired how well I stayed in shape. Tasha sent me a picture with most of her body hidden but I could tell she was plus sized. I told Tasha that I felt her body was fine just the way it was, explained I was no expert but agreed to set up a fitness program for her.

This was on a dating website so of course I started flirting. She seemed somewhat interested but I wasn't sure. We moved from messaging to talking by phone. I was hooked the first time I heard her voice. I knew that I had to meet her. Tasha would talk about possibly meeting but something would always happen. Once we finally agreed on a specific date, she cancelled about an hour before we were to meet.

I started getting frustrated and figured she wasn't interested. I told her I would only act as her trainer. Tasha said she was interested in me and promised we would finally met. The first date was disaster. I came on too strong and scared her. I apologized and again offered to act only as her trainer. Tasha had an upgraded membership to the dating site and could tell when I was active on it. Later, she called me upset because she found out I had been online on the same day of our date. I explained it was after the date ended but was admittedly flattered that it mattered to her. From that time on our relationship was in hyper drive.

Now I feel trapped. She texts me hourly. Tasha needs to know where I am every day. If I don't answer a text message she gets upset. Even if I'm at work or hanging out with friends. She sends songs to me and love messages. I try to answer with the same but I'm running out of ideas. She's in the closet so I'm not allowed to touch her in public. Even a casual hug makes her anxious. I'm bisexual so I'm constantly accused of trying to cheat with both women and men. We live about 50 miles apart so every weekend she wants us to be together.

Early in the relationship, I told her I loved her and I do. I also asked her to move in with me but that was way before the possessive behavior started. When its one on one we get along fine. She's super affectionate and sexually we're compatible. We pretty much stay indoors for the entire weekend. At my place, I bring her breakfast. Drive her from the parking lot to my apartment so she doesn't have to walk or carry anything. At her house, I'm on my own. As soon as were apart we're good for two days then we argue until we meet again. Usually it's because she says I'm ignoring her. I've delayed the move because we fight so much. I've also started to be more demanding and saying no more often instead of just waiting on her.

When angry Tasha will find the most hurtful thing she can think of to get back at me and breaks up with me by text message. Recently I was taken to emergency for dehydration. Tasha first accused me of lying and then told me to make sure I get tested for STDs. She was angry that while I was in ER half conscious with cramps, nausea and diarrhea that I took too long to call her. She said if I wasn't so vague about how sick I was she would have been more sympathetic. I stopped talking to her but she begged me to stop ignoring her calls. Eventually I did agree to talk and now I'm back in the relationship. Is there hope for us?

[Crazy Hitch]

Online dating sites can prove to be very successful for finding significant others to share our time with. The only experience I have in this regard is that I have a few friends who have formed successful relationships on such sites.

Some could argue that a 13 year age gap is a factor; others would argue that the age gap perhaps is of no significance; I would be able to see both sides to this story. And at the end of the day, it comes down to what you, as a person, are personally comfortable with and where your comfort zone lies.

With you being an ex-body builder I can imagine for you that fitness and body wellbeing is something that you value. And I can get how Tash was asking for advice around fitness.

Wow. I'm sorry to read that she cancelled the date an hour before you were due to meet. I'd be pretty taken aback if I were you. There seems to have been a bit of back and forth from when the two of you met.

Oh dear. She really sounds like she's starting to smother you. Yikes! Not sure how I would handle someone texting me every hour asking where I am. Don't think that would make me feel all that comfortable to say the least.

She sounds insecure. Insecure perhaps not only about herself and the way that she looks, but insecure in so far as the fact is that you're probably in a lot better shape physically speaking, and perhaps it's harder for her to meet other people, so when she finally met you, it was this massive relief. But she seems to have taken things a bit far ... instead of drawing you to her, she's indirectly almost repelling you with her smothering behaviours.

Her reaction to you going to ER is cause for alarm. It's not an appropriate reaction one would expect, all factors considered - you were in the emergency department! That's a health risk. And rather than first showing some kind of concern for how you are, she flew to accusations.

And I think all of this really stems down to a deep feeling of insecurity. It's almost as if she's thinking on some kind of level that this relationship won't last anyway ... so ... yes, her methods clearly aren't working.

It sounds like you've put up with a hell of a lot.

Yes, in theory I would say there is hope for her attachment behaviours that can change.

I found this Blog here on PsychCentral - I'm thinking "Attachment" in terms of the way that she has attached herself to you. Might be worth the read. There's also a book recommended at the end of the Blog.

Hope the article might be of some use to you in your personal situation.

How to Change Your Attachment Style | Psych Central

[Webgoji]

This doesn't sound healthy. Specifically the getting angry that you don't respond in time and accusations of cheating sound like red flags for an abusive relationship. I would suggest you take a very close look at these kinds of behaviors and be careful.

[Living Dead Guy]

Ugh that is a difficult situation.

I'm hesitant to suggest this as I'm not a doctor, however, I present many of the same habits and cycles, and it sounds like she may have a fear of abandonment. You can find a good introductory article here. This is complicated by what seems like a notion that bisexuality is wrong as or at the very least will complicate here life by societies unacceptance.

In the end you only have three options. Break up, accept her for who she is, or talk to her about how you are feeling. Find out what is motivating these behaviors and set boundaries that you can both agree on. You can not change her behavior but perhaps she is unaware as to how disruptive it really is to your relationship.

Anyway I wish you the best of luck.

[Zelev]

I think you and Living Dead Guy are spot on. Both attachment and abandonment issues seem to apply and are probably interrelated. We have talked about her behavior and she promises to try each time. She has definitely made an effort to text and call me less. I feel a little guilty about that because its not that I don't want to talk with her. I just can't get anything done texting her and calling that often.

I read the article you linked. That was very helpful. I'm really trying to be patient and supportive but this happens on a weekly basis so its definitely wearing me down. I'm really afraid that of getting too accepting. Maybe this is her way of beating me into submission or something.

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Online dating sites can prove to be very successful for finding significant others to share our time with. The only experience I have in this regard is that I have a few friends who have formed successful relationships on such sites.

Some could argue that a 13 year age gap is a factor; others would argue that the age gap perhaps is of no significance; I would be able to see both sides to this story. And at the end of the day, it comes down to what you, as a person, are personally comfortable with and where your comfort zone lies.

With you being an ex-body builder I can imagine for you that fitness and body wellbeing is something that you value. And I can get how Tash was asking for advice around fitness.

Wow. I'm sorry to read that she cancelled the date an hour before you were due to meet. I'd be pretty taken aback if I were you. There seems to have been a bit of back and forth from when the two of you met.

Oh dear. She really sounds like she's starting to smother you. Yikes! Not sure how I would handle someone texting me every hour asking where I am. Don't think that would make me feel all that comfortable to say the least.

She sounds insecure. Insecure perhaps not only about herself and the way that she looks, but insecure in so far as the fact is that you're probably in a lot better shape physically speaking, and perhaps it's harder for her to meet other people, so when she finally met you, it was this massive relief. But she seems to have taken things a bit far ... instead of drawing you to her, she's indirectly almost repelling you with her smothering behaviours.

Her reaction to you going to ER is cause for alarm. It's not an appropriate reaction one would expect, all factors considered - you were in the emergency department! That's a health risk. And rather than first showing some kind of concern for how you are, she flew to accusations.

And I think all of this really stems down to a deep feeling of insecurity. It's almost as if she's thinking on some kind of level that this relationship won't last anyway ... so ... yes, her methods clearly aren't working.

It sounds like you've put up with a hell of a lot.

Yes, in theory I would say there is hope for her attachment behaviours that can change.

I found this Blog here on PsychCentral - I'm thinking "Attachment" in terms of the way that she has attached herself to you. Might be worth the read. There's also a book recommended at the end of the Blog.

Hope the article might be of some use to you in your personal situation.

How to Change Your Attachment Style | Psych Central