[FrankEll]

Good morning everyone!

I am new to the psych central community. I have an urging question that I need some feedback on. Anything helps! Here's my situation:

My partner and I have been together for a little over 2 and half years now.A couple of months into it, I couldn't help but realize that my partner and I had somewhat different views on sexuality. From the very beginning we both established that we wanted a monogamous relationship and that's what we both believed in, but reading between the lines of some comments he's said during conversations, I began thinking that maybe he truly doesn't believe in sticking to one sexual partner. I feel like since then, I've become pretty insecure. I don't like the fact that the partner that i want to spend the rest of my life with, wants to have casual sex with other people. I dont believe there is anything wrong with wanting to do that, but I just don't feel like it's something that I am developed enough to handle in a relationship at the moment. Well, bottom line is we had a huge argument this weekend and all the cats came out of the bag. We talked about why I've been feeling insecure and this subject came up. He finally admitted to me that he feels confused about what he wants. He says he wishes he could stick to monogamy but he gets sexual thoughts about other people. According to him, he has been faithful our entire relationship but obviously, it has been something really difficult for him. We were very open with our discussion and I asked what would be a midpoint for us to meet on the subject. He wants me to stop being insecure and ignore the fact that he gets these thoughts. I find it somewhat absurd to believe that will be the solution to this problem we are facing. I love him to the moon and back but I feel imbalanced. I'm sure my insecurities have only made the problem worse, but I'm wondering if ignoring the fact that he gets these thoughts will actually help. I understand we are all human and sexuality is part of all of us. We are entitled to have our own private thoughts but my questions are: Do I have something that is worth freaking out about? Is it okay for him to be having these sexual thoughts about other people? Or is he raising a big red flag letting me know that the next step is him acting on these thoughts?

[Webgoji]

In a general sense, I think most of us have sexual thoughts that aren't always our partners. Fantasies and such. So in a general sense I don't feel that you have anything to be concerned about.

Now I think the real question is it beyond just fantasizing about that person he saw at the mall or is it how he could get with the other couples you guys hang out with all the time type of thing? There are differences. And if he's just fantasizing about nobody, then it's one thing, but I think it can lead to issues if it's someone he interacts with all the time.

[FrankEll]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

In a general sense, I think most of us have sexual thoughts that aren't always our partners. Fantasies and such. So in a general sense I don't feel that you have anything to be concerned about.

Now I think the real question is it beyond just fantasizing about that person he saw at the mall or is it how he could get with the other couples you guys hang out with all the time type of thing? There are differences. And if he's just fantasizing about nobody, then it's one thing, but I think it can lead to issues if it's someone he interacts with all the time.

Thanks for taking the time to reply! Reading your input has helped me realize what kind of questions I should be asking. Thinking about it, that is what is really bothering me. That I don't know if its just random strangers that hes fantasizing about or if it is his close classmates, coworkers, or friends that can develop into something more. He's a super nice guy full of charm and personality so with my feelings of insecurity, its hard for me to differentiate when he's flirting or not. I hate feeling insecure all the time. It's driven me crazy.

[Axiom]

I'm pretty sure almost everyone has sexual thoughts and fantasies about other people when they're in a relationship. There is nothing wrong or scary about this, I've always been like that and have never been even close to cheating on any of my partners. Cheating is a choice. Even if you're so drunk you almost can't get it up, it's still a choice. It's not fair to expect the person you're in a relationship with to only think sexually about you. But it is definitely fair to expect him to be faithful. If he feels being faithful is difficult, it's probably not because he fantasizes about other people, but because he has some other issues either with himself or with the current relationship. So I wouldn't worry too much about this, but if you are wondering if he really is the kind of person who's able to stay faithful in a life-long relationship, it's probably a good idea to talk about this so you can know what's going on and maybe be proactive in some way if that helps you.

[letmebeme69]

Originally Posted by Axiom

I'm pretty sure almost everyone has sexual thoughts and fantasies about other people when they're in a relationship. There is nothing wrong or scary about this, I've always been like that and have never been even close to cheating on any of my partners. Cheating is a choice. Even if you're so drunk you almost can't get it up, it's still a choice. It's not fair to expect the person you're in a relationship with to only think sexually about you. But it is definitely fair to expect him to be faithful. If he feels being faithful is difficult, it's probably not because he fantasizes about other people, but because he has some other issues either with himself or with the current relationship. So I wouldn't worry too much about this, but if you are wondering if he really is the kind of person who's able to stay faithful in a life-long relationship, it's probably a good idea to talk about this so you can know what's going on and maybe be proactive in some way if that helps you.

Am I the only one that has never had sexual thought about someone else while I am in a relationship? If I think back, I can't ever remember having a fantasy about being with someone other than my girlfriend. I must be the odd one out.

[FrankEll]

Originally Posted by letmebeme69

Am I the only one that has never had sexual thought about someone else while I am in a relationship? If I think back, I can't ever remember having a fantasy about being with someone other than my girlfriend. I must be the odd one out.

I am the exact same way. I do not think about anyone in a sexual way except my partner. I'm not going to say I don't find other guys handsome, but to think about a sexual fantasy with a stranger? It doesn't come naturally to me

[FrankEll]

Originally Posted by Axiom

I'm pretty sure almost everyone has sexual thoughts and fantasies about other people when they're in a relationship. There is nothing wrong or scary about this, I've always been like that and have never been even close to cheating on any of my partners. Cheating is a choice. Even if you're so drunk you almost can't get it up, it's still a choice. It's not fair to expect the person you're in a relationship with to only think sexually about you. But it is definitely fair to expect him to be faithful. If he feels being faithful is difficult, it's probably not because he fantasizes about other people, but because he has some other issues either with himself or with the current relationship. So I wouldn't worry too much about this, but if you are wondering if he really is the kind of person who's able to stay faithful in a life-long relationship, it's probably a good idea to talk about this so you can know what's going on and maybe be proactive in some way if that helps you.

Thanks for your reply! It's good to read your perspective. It's helping me wrap my mind around this circumstance, separating my heightened insecurity from the real problem(s). This is something I have to address with him. I need to know whether he believes he can stay faithful in this relationship. I feel like a very empathic person and I can sense this hidden fear within him, which then shoots my negative thoughts through the roof. It's time I address this vicious cycle. Thanks for your input!