intimacy issues?

Not sure if this is the right place to post this...

I'm not sure if I have general intimacy issues or if physical intimacy is my major problem. I'm 30 years old and a virgin. I've been on plenty of first and second dates, but have really never been in a relationship. It seems like as soon as someone is interested in me, I freak out. I stop returning phone calls and basically run. I was on a second date last week that went well. At the end, I know the guy was expecting at least a hug, and, like an idiot, I got in my car as fast as possible, and I pretty much never want to see him again.

The idea of sex is appealing, but the reality of it completely terrifies me. I've never dated anyone that I've been at all interested in having sex with. Obviously I've never been in a relationship where we've even gotten close. I've just really never "felt" anything for anyone. I just completely shut down. I want to get married and have kids, but at this point, I'm not sure that that can ever happen. I can't figure out where this comes from, I've never been abused, I have a supportive family, and, while my family is very religious, I never gotten the message that sex was "bad."

I'm just frustrated with myself and am starting the feel the crunch of time. My friends have been married for years and just about all have a couple of kids. I feel like I'm "flunking" this stage of my life.

I wrote this more to sort out what was going on in my head, but any insight would be appreciated. Thanks.

I don't really have any insight for you, i just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. When I was reading, I felt like I was reading about me! 1st, 2nd, even 3rd dates! then I freak out and run.. i don't really know where it comes from. Ive asked myself some questions in search of answers, to no avail.
Are you comfortable with your body? I think I am. When you think about being intimate, what is it that you fear, or dread, or want to avoid the most? i'm interested to see if anyone else has any insight.

i hope i suggest something right lets see how it goes...

you dont have to tell the guy about your whole history or anything....but explain to him on the first date you really arnt comfortable with anything touchy feely...and youd like to take it slow and that you hope he understands and will give you the time..and space...you need and deserve...no more needs being said...if he is going to be remotely the right guy for you he should respect that and folllow your wishes...if not than you know you dont want to get with that kind of jerk to being with ...because he probably is a jerk in more areas than one....and saying it on the first date makes it soo much easier too...because then its out of the way and already dealt with....and plus then he knows your not trying to give mixed signals and thats how you are...dont treat YET like its to do with your past but treat it now like its just part of your personality( personality i mean like some people just dont kiss on the first date, or some people just dont touch doornobs after they wash their hands in a public restroom, just something random about you)....and see how it goes from there....good luck and let us know how it goes....

Honestly, I would suggest getting into therapy. Not because I think you are nuts, or wierd, or anything like that....but just to learn HOW to have an emotionally intimate relationship. Talking to a T can really help people figure who they are, how they feel about things, what they want out of life, etc. It can be very important for people who are not comfortable with discussing feelings. IMO, in order to some day have a healthy relationship...you'll need to work on talking about how you feel, what you want, etc.

Wishing you much happiness,

em

Get really drunk and have a one night stand with protected sex-just get it overwith.

Uh....not really appropriate in any circumstance...it isn't something you should just "get over with." Em was on the right track -- therapy to uncover and solve the underlying problem would be a big help. Then it can be taken from there.

I would agree that therapy - and not a one night stand - might be a big help.

I've been sexually active for 7 years and only in the last couple of months, have I started enjoying it. I used to do the one night stand thing back when I used to get drunk, and I thought I was getting the sex for me, but it MESSED me up. I started having really jaded ideas of what sex was for....I won't go into details, but I worked through all those fears and ideas recently when I fell in love and wanted to have a healthy sex life with him. Before I could have sex with him, I had to look at my issues. Now that I've worked through those issues, sex is great.

For the last 7 years though, before this guy, I hated sex. The one night stands and the "friends with benefits" that I used for my own supposed gratification really messed me up. That's been my experience.......