A Story of Sexual Repression

I just... have to get this off my chest. The ban on sex in chat rooms got me thinking and now I can't stop. It's the kind of thing I just can't share with anyone, especially since I've never been "intimate" with anyone. I want to talk about it but don't have anywhere else to do it. I don't even know what I'm hoping for. Maybe it will open some people's eyes, or help change their way of thinking. But I suppose that kind of person wouldn't be caught dead on this forum. Still, I have to share this. Maybe it'll just help me.

I was born into a very strict and controlling religion wherein ANY sexual activity outside of marriage was seen as an abominable sin. Actually it was like an unspoken rule that, even within marriage, sex should be reserved solely for procreation. I hit puberty without anyone even realizing it, and naturally started exploring my sexuality. When my parents discovered my stash of lingerie mags when I was 12 years old, they were so furious. I got a long lecture about the many "evils" of nudity, sex and masturbation and was promptly shipped off to the local religious authority the next Sunday for a graphic discussion of my "sins" -- one-on-one behind closed doors no less. I'm just thankful that the guy apparently wasn't gay or a hebephile -- I know now that the church regularly covered up molestation and sex abuse cases. Nevertheless, make no mistake -- these events still scarred me for life. This old man I hardly even knew asked me VERY intimate questions, and instructed me in a solemn tone that "touching myself" was expressly forbidden and that I'd have to "repent" very hard if I had done such an atrocious thing. Of course I lied through my teeth and told him that I never masturbated, when in reality I'd been doing it for at least a year and had no intention of stopping, even if it would damn my soul -- it was the one respite I had in my life at that point, when I was being ruthlessly bullied every day at school AND at church. Then for some reason I got it into my head that touching myself directly was bad, but maybe indirectly wouldn't be so terrible. Ever since I have been unable to masturbate properly -- I always have to stimulate myself with cloth -- at the time I used my pajamas, though as I grew I switched to boxers. I hope I don't have to explain how unhealthy that is -- never using lube and rubbing into dry fabric? Yeah. I was circumcised because of my parents' religion, too. Even now, years after I left that toxic religion behind and discarded their beliefs, I still feel "dirty" and "guilty" if I touch myself directly. I've tried to change but the feelings are too deeply-seated.

Unfortunately I also lived in an area inundated with that religion in my early teens, so my "sexual education" in the 7th grade was extremely bare-bones -- we learned the basics from a scientific standpoint in Health class, along with total abstinence. My father attempted to give me "The Talk" the same year, but he was so nervous and embarrassed that I really couldn't learn a thing. Of course I didn't have a lot of friends at that point, so I didn't even know what a "condom" was until I was in high school. Then I relied on internet sources for most of my REAL sexual education -- mostly porn and Wikipedia. Hell, I didn't even understand what a tampon was until my mid 20's! I'm glad that there are more resources out there for kids these days, though I still worry that "family filters" and other such censoring technology will make it impossible for them to get the education they really need.

My dad caught me once more when I was in high school -- he found a DVD I had burned with some softcore porn on it, and quietly told me to stop. Thankfully he didn't tell my mom -- she always was the stricter parent. Of course I didn't heed his instruction -- masturbation was a regular habit for me by then. And then when I was in college, I came home early one weekend to find my dad in his home office. He looked really surprised and panicked when I walked in, and I knew something was off, so I walked over and saw porn on his monitor. Imagine my surprise! He was so embarrassed and ashamed, and apologized to me profusely, but I just told him it was okay and changed the subject. We never discussed it again. In hindsight I wish we could have had a discussion... But both of my parents have always been kind of emotionally unavailable; we never have "deep" talks. More recently I discovered some more porn on my dad's home server, and I think it's good that his needs are being filled somehow. My mom seems to positively loathe anything remotely sexual. She's perfectly content to watch R-rated movies with foul language, violence and gore, but the moment a bare breast or a steamy scene comes on she has to fast-forward through it or change the channel. Honestly I'm not sure how I'm even here!

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had accepted the sexual repression pressed on me by my parents and their religion. I'm glad that I walked my OWN path and accepted my OWN beliefs on the subject. It was the first of their ridiculous beliefs that I directly disagreed with and disobeyed, and probably led to my eventual exit from the religion. Of course I had to lie about it for years -- there were regular "worthiness interviews" in which I'd meet with a local religious authority and again be asked very intimate questions. Even though I had to do it to protect myself, I still hated lying, and I think it had a huge impact on my mental health. For more than a decade I had to live a double life, secretly watching porn and masturbating regularly while insisting the contrary to anyone who had the gall or "authority" to ask. I'm sure this is a common occurrence for men and women under such religious authority, and I wonder how they can live with their hypocrisy. I've always wondered how many of my peers and even elders secretly engaged in "illicit" sexual acts while preaching abstinence. And I wondered how many girls and boys were molested behind those closed doors while they were alone with older men who had all the power. I'm certain it hasn't made the headlines like the Catholic sex abuse scandals only because the so-called "church" is actually a disguised corporation with an undisclosed but vast amount of funds, collected as "tithing" from its members, used to cover up such occurrences.

To this day I cannot stand conservative views or arguments about sex or sexual education. Maybe I'm too liberal; I don't know. For years I viewed myself as a "pervert," though I now realize that I'm simply human; liking sex and masturbation is actually normal, though many would refute it. Too many people are wholly unable or unwilling to discuss the subject, content to keep it hidden behind closed doors or swept under the rug. Too many people still consider it to be "sinful" or "dirty." It's a damn good thing it feels so good, or I'd fear for the continuation of our species. We need to teach sexual education to our children BEFORE they enter puberty, perhaps in the second or third grade -- I know I was curious about babies and about girls' bodies at that age. We need to accept that humans are inherently sexual creatures, even as children -- to stop preaching about "preserving innocence" when all we're really doing is promoting ignorance. We need to do away with the antiquated curricula like abstinence-only education, and actually teach our kids about safe sex, birth control, STIs and other important concepts. I find it absurd that even now, in 2015, only 22 out of our 50 states require public schools to teach sex education, and only 19 require that it be medically, factually or technically accurate. In the state where I grew up, kids are still receiving sub-par health education because it is one of 31 states that DO NOT require information on contraception in their curriculum.

I could rant for hours on the subject but I guess it accomplishes nothing. I simply don't understand why some people are so backwards in their thinking. And it pains me to think that there are still kids out there suffering from a lack of basic knowledge, and from sexual repression, like I did. I just... wish I could change the world.

There may be possible triggers within, please read with caution, I apologize for being so blunt but I tried to be courteous as I usually am.
Billions, I do quite well understand what you are talking about here. I wasn't raised strictly with a "religious" view of sex, but I was told that it was a sin to watch porn, masturbate, or have sex out of marriage. Thankfully I have grown up with a very healthy view of sex on my own terms, without listening to what others said.
I was 4 the first time I saw a girls private parts, she was 5, and we were good friends growing up till about 10 or so. She and I explored the sexual realms together, via her parents porn and each other.
My parents in no way had a good reason to tell me that sex was evil or bad, because they would have been hypocrites. My mom and father are divorced, I am a product of adultery, yes my mother thought she could take a year off from her twelve year marriage from my father. My father calls my mother a "porcupine" because she has been with so many men.
My father started letting me watch "T&A" movies when I was very young, my step-mom didn't like that but she didn't argue either. My mom had more men in and out of my life then Marilyn Monroe and Liz Taylor. Then there was my bio-dad, the sperm donor, when I met him at 9; he had a different woman in his bed every weekend.
Now with that being said did I feel shame sometimes with my masturbation, sure did, I thought it was sinful because of what I was being taught by my older brothers. Who both are extremely religious and believe sex is only for procreation, don't believe in birth control and yes they both have a lot of kids; however my oldest bro only has three, they were all C-sections. His wife had to have her tubes tied. So I am sure he is sexually frustrated, especially when his youngest is 16.
I have been with nine different woman since the age of 15, been married twice, for a total of about 10 years. I have only one child from my second marriage. I love every thing about woman, head to toe, no I don't have some weird fetish. By the way I am also bi, so that throws a whole new curve, because though I am not "religious", I do have a deep relationship with God.
I used to be ultra-conservative, but then I started using my God given brain and thinking for myself. I question everything. I don't like how man interprets things that probably weren't meant to be interpreted like the Bible and the US Constitution.
I am proud of my sexuality and glad that I have explored it. I don't particularly like porn that much but will I hit up a site, every so often if the mood strikes me. I really like reading erotica, it helps my imagination more.
I am so happy that I am with a friend that I connect with and we explore each other through Tantra. I see that I am rambling but this a topic that I think needs to be aired out, people are so repressed when it comes to their sexuality. Be it because of societal or religious repressive "norms".
Do I think that there should be better teaching of sex in school, yes, the US Military agrees. I was in basic back in the late 90's and that was just after the big Tail-hook scandal in the US Navy. They added one week to each basic training schedule for sensitivity training which included sex ed.
If we all had a healthy view of sex in the world we might just have fewer abortions, less STD's and a whole lot less welfare babies. Not saying that rape, incest and other things wouldn't still happen, because you can't stop pervs. However if little Johnny new how to "wrap before tap" it would cause less problems. Also this false notion that masturbation is some how bad, it is not, should you do it every waking hour; no.
Last thing and this little diatribe will be finished. My ex-fiance told me that most of the younger people in the town she lived in had HPV. She seemed quite proud some how of that and then proceeded to tell me she possibly had it; unfortunately I have no idea if there is a test for men. However I am not worried and neither is my sexual partner now; we both think my ex just said it to try to get a rise. Point being though, if we were protecting our children through a good education, things like this wouldn't be so scary.
Peace and love, everyone. If you have no one to love, love yourself.

I too think religious beliefs had me marry people I never would have. I was molested at 7, puberty I was having sex, until my period started. I abstained, until my first husband date raped me, I was 19, that reopened the closed door. He was a womanizer. I was ill prepared for martiage, not to mention family hated him. But fornication is a sin and I was trying not to be so sinful. Marriage #2, I took his virginity. He wanted me after 3 years and not meeting anyone I really wanted to be with we married, family loved him. I was less than happy. Now 3rd marriage, he's a con. Great I really screwed up there. Now not only am I going to have to figure out a way to get laid, I really can't get married again, he so messed me up.

Something about me screams marriage. I put out and they get attached. Thinking of guys before con man. Blocked a couple daters. One guy I really liked, but he couldn't do anything. Viagra didn't even work for him. Sexual frustration galore. Had to break up.

I really love sex. My mom tells me she's not interested, guys don't pleasure her, etc. I'm living here, her guys are here. I put out a sexual vibe, she's telling me she's not putting out much. Not a line I've crossed, been hit on by a few exs of hers, I told her to lose them, other reasons given, but damn. She is my mom after all, but tmi about size and **** is hard to take sometimes.

I understand the teachings. I do.