Sexually conflicted.....

I don't know quite how to phrase this but I have been leaning more and more towards actually looking in personal ads on Craigslist. You see, I think I have this fantasy of doing wild and crazy things in my head, and in my head it seems like a good idea, but I know that I wouldn't like myself if I did them.

One of these wild and crazy things would be videochatting with someone and both of us doing things on the webcam for eachother.

This part of myself confuses me. In my head I am a very adventerous sexual being, but in reality I am not like that. I am more so uncomfortable with the feelings I get when I am trying to be openly sexual with a partner, almost embarassed. It's especially strong when they reciprocate in a provocitively sexual manor. That's when I feel most embarassed and I shut off.

That's not to say I am unable to have sex, it's just that I am unable to behave overtly sensual and say hot sexy things during the act.

I guess I feel like I have this sexually explosive being inside of me that I can't let out because I get terribly embarassed if I do.

Maybe I hate the feelings of disgust and utter filth I feel about myself when I try and behave this way.

What do you all think and suggest?

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[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

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This is an excellent topic Artchic!

I am a 35 year old female, and had my moment of self discovery and clarity 5 years ago when I turned 30. I often had the same battle inside of me. I want to be sexual. I want to explore and I have this very explosive sexual being waiting and wanting to bust through for years.

I had split myself in two for a long time. I called Her the "saint" and the "sinner". She was split for a very very long time. I used to have cam sex (never showing my face, you can do that too), so you can be totally disconnected and anonymous without the risk of fully exposing your identity. That's how I handled it for a long time.

Over the years of exploring my sexuality in this fashion, that "saint" and the "sinner" have finally bridged together and I can be sexual with my partner fully.

But I totally I get where you are coming from. If you feel the need to explore but do so safely where you will not cause harm to yourself.

As far the embarrassment goes, there is nothing to be embarrassed about but what you have to find within yourself is the acceptance that you are a vibrant sexual being and these are just some things you crave that a perfectly natural.

Good luck to you on your journey. And remember we are all on this road of self discovery, being sexual doesn't mean you're a bad person in any way.

Thanks Platinum. I have the sneaking suspicion I was sexually abused as a very little girl and that may be where my conflict stems from. Check this thread I made about it in the Survivors of Abuse forum.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...ml#post4768746

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[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I too can relate to this post & I turned to Craigslist also. I was very fortunate in what I found there.
Yes there was a great sexual part of me that had been bursting at the seams to get out. Such terrible longing & want. I totally understand that feeling plus being an older female I also felt my clock ticking that this window of exploration Would close soon.

So I carefully made the plunge into exploring my sexual wants & needs. It's been a roller coaster ride, but I have to say I'm glad I took the plunge!

I think Patagonia expressed it quite well. It offers the possibility of being totally uninhibited without the fear of being judged. There may be a million reasons why its not a good idea. But you could also meet and know someone for years and never know their real self. I think we wouldn't have these conflicts if we weren't raised on such a steady diet of guilt and shame. Of course, be careful. Very careful. But like Patagonia, I'm glad I took the plunge.

It's very difficult to put shame, embarrassment & social "norms" to the side. Someone will always judge most often.....yourself.
I've discovered a great deal about myself. Some I love & would never have known if I didn't decide to explore. Yet I also found out some not so great things about myself & life in general. It's not all a bed of roses. I've discovered many thorns but I do know myself better than most women my age. I think they walk around like the living dead.
I didn't want that. I wanted to know my self & who she was. Many surprises along the way.
I wish you luck!
I also caution Craigslist. My first encounter was NOT good. Please be careful.

I dont trust people on craigslist. I would be more comfortable going to a bar to meet someone.

I agree that there is a mix bag coming from Craigslist. Please watch for all those red flags. Use a friend to call you if you decide to meet & make sure it's in a very public place.
Just use that great gift of common sense we all have.

Always ALWAYS meet in a public place no matter how you first connect. OK?

I'd be careful with the webcam stuff, once it's on the internet it's on here for good. I'm sure there are a lot of people who have videos show up on the internet that they regret filming.