19 year old, need some help!

Hey guys, I was hoping someone could help me out. I’ve been struggling a lot recently.

Want to start by saying I’ve never really been to a professional therapist (tried free counselling a few times, but always felt uncomfortable)

I’m a 19 year old male from the UK. I know my aunt and my grandmother both have/had mental issues in the past, and believe my aunt was diagnosed - though I’m not sure of her diagnosis. I didnt want to make a super long post, so going to breakdown my issues a bit and stuff.

- I think I have had fairly bad social anxiety for the past 2/3 years. I’m not great with people my own age. Not good with things like parties or any social gathering really. I find it difficult bonding and connecting with people. Even when I didn't have really bad anxiety, I struggled to make friends. Whilst I have had some close friends in the past, I always end up drifting away from them. It’s a cycle that seems to constantly repeat.

Though even the friends I have become ‘close’ with, I’ve never really had a normal friendship with any of them. I never really share details about my own life, and none of them would have had any idea about any of this. There was one girl who I was open with, but I fell in with new people and we grew apart. Never had a romantic relationship/encounter with anyone either. I often find myself really wanting this but nothing has ever come of that.

- Sexual identity - In my early teen years, I was sure I was straight and had a crush on a girl for most of these years. (Same girl I mentioned above), but we stayed as friends, never told her how I felt. A few years later, I felt that I was gay. Was primarily interested in gay porn, and still am to a degree. Said girl did help me deal with that in fact, and she suggested I was gay or possibly bi. I grew comfortable with this fact, and came out to a few people I knew, though not my family.

Now, I’m not sure. I still feel like I’m sexually turned on mostly by males, but feel like I want an emotional relationship with a girl. So I’m pretty confused. I know sexuality is fluid, etc but I’m not sure where I stand.

- Sexual interests - In the last two years, I’ve found my interests in unusual sexual fetishes growing much stronger. Normal porn has little effect for me now, and amateur, voyeuristic or rape fantasies are what I watch. I’ve found myself viewing some quite disturbing content, and have become quite addicted to it. I’ve tried things like NoFap previously but failed.

My fantasises are also becoming increasingly violent and most would consider them strange and unusual.

- Prone to Anger/Bouts of violence - I’ll frequently become angry/agitated at something very quickly, especially with my family (who I have no reason to be angry with) and sometimes even lash out. I’m usually immediately sorry afterwords, but does seem to be happening as the norm now, and am generally more withdrawn and sullen than I was previously. Mood swings would also be quite common at the minute.

That’s pretty much it, I’m sorry for the really long post. I just want to know what’s wrong with me, as it’s tearing me apart. I find it harder and harder to pretend everything is okay.

I’ve tried to arrange to see a therapist before, but not sure how to go about doing that since I have no income. Also not sure how I’d feel talking in person about this stuff, hence this post.



TLDR: Sorry for long post, suffering from social anxiety, depression, confused about sexual identity and sexual interests are becoming more unusual. Also prone to violent/aggressive behaviour and mood swings on occasion.

Sorry if this post is difficult to understand or written weirdly, I find it really hard to write about this stuff.

Am hoping someone could shed some light on what I could be dealing with? I know I would need to provide much more detail and visit a professional for a diagnosis, but at this point anything would be a help.

You do need to address some serious issues at a Professional level, and accessing this in the UK is free and fairly simple on the NHS. Your first step is to see your GP and explain your concerns about specific mental health issues, say your anger issues/depression driven by identity confusion.

This should get you a referral to a Psychologist - make sure you have a rapport with whoever you see - where the onus is on you to be as honest as you were here in order to be able to progress through these issues. These sessions are also free on the NHS, we are covered for all Mental Health treatment.

As to your obsession with increasingly disturbing pornographic imagery, this is quite common behaviour for those who find they are becoming addicted and in increasing need of bigger 'thrills'. This, imo, is a huge problem. It can lead you into dark places where the lines between fantasy and reality are blurred, where your opinions of people become warped and where that line where things are not only unacceptable, but illegal is soon behind you. The next thing you know, the Police are kicking your door down at 4am and you are explaining your issues to the Prison Psychologist. I urge you to try to adopt a more measured attitude to this subject.

Dave.

I would get professional help as far as you describe porn watching habits and the other stuff going on in your head, I have intrusive thoughts involving sex and violence and my pdoc think it is associated with having uncontrolled OCD, so you could have something undiagnosed going on.

It is quite normal for people to be confused about their sexual attractions. For me I find women attractive to a point, but I am not attracted to their sexual part but the shape of their bodies and femininity where as I am attracted to men's parts but overall I find the female body more attractive so its complicated. I guess in my dream world I would be with a beautiful preop man to woman transexual.