Oddly enough, when I came out as bi, my Mom seems to be the one that has a problem with it. My Dad hasn't really brought up much in the way of seeming to have any issue with it. My Mom on the other hand gives me mixed signals, and I really don't know how to handle it. It was about ten months ago that I first said something about it. At first, she seemed totally accepting and she was even joking about it a couple times.

However, I don't really think she fully believed me yet at first. However, she seems to now I think. A bit later on, she began to have a lot of stereotypical and ignorant ideas, that I'd be into orgies and other things like that. Basically, that I wouldn't be able to commit, etc., etc. When I got that cleared up, things seemed okay in a way. I explained to her a little more of how it is for me, and she said something like "that all sounds good". Basically, she seemed to have a lot of relief that the things she thought were not true.

However, she still says that she finds the whole thing "disturbing" and "unsettling". She says that this doesn't and wouldn't change her loving and supporting me as a person, but she readily talks about how she finds it "disturbing" whenever it gets brought up. Of course, she adds that in order to "make this choice" I'd have to be living on my own (in other words the actual sexual aspect so to speak). This wasn't any surprise to me though, and I'd have kind of figured that.

Then, in the heat of a huge argument, she made some angry, graphic, and extremely crude comments to me about it that I won't even say on here. Naturally, I was extremely offended. I just said things like, "Why would you say these things?"...... and she just answered, "That's what those people do." However, later on she did apologized for making crude, confrontational, and hostile comments about my sexuality out of anger. Although, she says she won't apologize for "her feelings". Still, she keeps saying in every one of these conversations that she "loves and accepts" me as a person.

I took a very mature approach of handling it. Instead of getting angry with her judgmental behavior, I decided to ask her if it is something she is against morally. I was expecting her to say something one way or another, but she really didn't even. She just says to me that she doesn't necessarily feel like it's morally wrong, but she says she isn't sure. Later on in the evening, I basically said that I feel that I am a good person. She agreed with this, and hugged me. Not only that, but she said to me, "We've felt that way about you too." I also said that this was something she probably didn't expect to hear about me being bi, and she didn't disagree with that. I think it was probably a big surprise to her to learn that about me. I didn't really even know when I was younger to be honest.

It's a weird situation. She hasn't gone full bore with condemning me, and she hasn't seemed to actively try to influence things really. There have even been occasional moments of her not seeming to have issues with it. Like there was once when I told her I liked one of my friends from before, and she wanted to play a game with me to see who it was.

However, she's also clearly far from cool with it. This attitude is really kind of hurtful, but at the same time I also just don't want to lose her. We've spent a lot of good times together over the years, and I don't want to lose that. When I was a kid, my Mom and I were truly best friends. Yeah, we argued at times, but we truly were best friends. With this, I just don't really know what to do. It's been almost a year since I first mentioned it, but I will say I never really listened to her point of view on it much. When she would express these things, I would generally just get angry and understandably so.

I feel like I could take the option of just saying the hell with it. I could take the option of just figuring that it doesn't even matter. I could just resolve that I'll just kind of distance myself from her. There have been a few occasions, where in anger, I entertained the possibility of not speaking to her again. When she made those comments to me during that argument, I have to admit I very seriously entertained that idea.

She hasn't taken any extremely negative actions, like kicking me out or threatening to cut off contact or distance herself over it. She keeps saying that she "loves and supports" me no matter what. In fact, I can even remember one occasion when she said she'd still want to have a "close" relationship with me however things go with me.

So, a big part of me thinks that maybe I'd be able to work with the situation in some manner. I also recognize that for her to be able to come to terms with this, I might have to give her a chance. In doing so, I might end up having to listen to more of her comments. Tonight's conversation about her agreeing with me being a good person despite having said this was encouraging. Given all this, I'm thinking of still giving her a serious chance.

I feel like maybe over time if I talk about it more in a way where I am open to listening to things, maybe things would eventually smooth over. She acknowledged to me that it wasn't familiar to her, and I could definitely see that in some of her comments early on. She seemed to not fully understand what the word even means. The whole thing definitely seems to be very unknown to her, and she seems to not really know how to react. I feel like if it were all more of a known thing to her rather than an unknown, things would be a lot different. I don't know how they'd be different exactly, but I think if she really understood more, she probably wouldn't feel like this. I don't know, I hope I'm not just wasting my time. I'll say that much. I don't think I really am though, because she has been saying she loves and accepts me as a person. It doesn't seem to affect her loving and caring about me, she just is struggling with it, it seems.

The part about her not knowing whether or not she feels it is wrong puzzles me. It seems like for all the comments about it being "disturbing" and all the things she has heard about it, she would have formed some type of opinion on that. Still, in that conversation, she didn't condemn me or anything. Instead, she was saying that she loves and accepts me as a person. So, I don't really know where to place that bit of information. Again, it seems like something that would probably be changed with more familiarity. How it would change, I can't say. However, her saying that makes me think she really has had little to no exposure to anything related to what I told her. I feel like if she understood more and had more knowledge, she may not have these issues so much.

You're lucky. She loves you and accepts you, and that's greater than her homophobia. She may come around, or you may have to forgive her if she doesn't, but it's only been 10 months, you've handled yourself admirably well, and your mom has given you many indications that everything will be okay.

[marmaduke]

Bear in this in mind. To parents, coming out as bi or gay can be saying to them.
'You will never have grandchildren'

And for some that is a huge dissapointment. Maybe that's why mum is mad at you.

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

[Webgoji]

You know, I think it might not be a bad idea for you guys to go to some family counseling. It sounds like your mother is trying hard to balance her thinking with what she knows to be right, to love and support you, with whatever her feelings are, maybe some homophobia or even just confusion leading to lashing out. A family counselor can certainly help you guys work through it together and help her rectify her feelings.

Originally Posted by Webgoji

You know, I think it might not be a bad idea for you guys to go to some family counseling. It sounds like your mother is trying hard to balance her thinking with what she knows to be right, to love and support you, with whatever her feelings are, maybe some homophobia or even just confusion leading to lashing out. A family counselor can certainly help you guys work through it together and help her rectify her feelings.

She wouldn't go. She feels that she is capable of no wrong, and this has been the case for my entire time growing up. She's always right, no matter how horrible the things are she does. In her mind, she is perfect. She would never, ever go to a counselor with me...... especially not over a "morally" laden issue like this. No way in hell. That really would be something though, if she agreed to that.

To be honest, I feel like I have to choose between this and her. It's so sad. I had a crush on my friend, and I thought about him every single day. I couldn't help it. If I ever acted on that, I feel like she wouldn't even want to speak with me. I could be wrong, but I just don't believe her. I just don't trust her. She's given me so many reasons to not trust her. I just don't know how I'm going to live without her. I will miss her so much. I can't imagine a life without her. I can't imagine calling her and calling her and having her not answer the phone. I can't imagine getting the cold shoulder on holidays. I can't imagine the pain of having a family not speaking to me over this.