Sexual OCD thoughts are costing me friends

Hi, everyone. I posted this originally in the OCD forum before I learned there was a forum for sexual thoughts. I think it might be a better fit here. I don't know if this is considered cross-posting or if it's a no-no. If it is, I apologize. I'm new to message boards in general. Here's my situation:

I'm a 41 year old male that's on 30 mg of Prozac for anxiety and 50 mg of Seroquel for obsessive thoughts.

My biggest issue lately is having sexual thoughts about my female friends. I usually keep them quelled up inside and I've even made a passworded file on my iPhone to write them down in to get them rattling around my head. On Monday I was texting with a friend of mine (who I thought was a friend, I guess) and I she was giving me a pep talk about going after the things in life I desire. I told her I couldn't because I desire her and she's already said no, so technically if I did it would be....(and I can't even type the word).

I don’t have r--- fantasies. I think it’s abhorrent and I would never do anything like this in a million years. That’s not why I’m posting this. I don’t know why I texted it to her and I wish I could take it back a million times.

Her reaction was completely…I don’t even know what to say. She totally flipped out. She told me my preoccupation with sex wasn’t healthy and said I should get a therapist. I told her I have one. I told her I struggle with this and I’m doing my best. She replied:

“You don’t respect yourself. You don’t respect other people. You live a charmed life. You need to get a life and meet other people. You have no clue. Get a clue. You’re immature. You’re 41. Grow up. Have you ever wondered why people don’t ask you to do things? I’m done wasting my time on you. I’m blocking you so you can’t text me again. Don’t ever contact me again. !@#$ off.”

I should mention that other people have told me she’s rude and unkind, and I know she once spent a night in jail for assaulting her ex-husband.

I’ve been suffering under huge amounts of guilt and shame for the message I sent her. I didn’t mean it, and I was in a fit of depression when I did because I had just seen my therapist and was struggling about how OCD and anxiety has affected my life. I spent the night in tears. I’m only just now starting to feel better about it, and this is four days later. I deleted/blocked her from my phone, but part of the problem is we both belong to the same gym, and I know I’m going to face her eventually. I’m really scared that she’ll cause a scene and tell people that I have r--- fantasies, or that my parents (especially my mother, who can’t handle any discussion of sex at all) will learn that so many of my obsessive thoughts are sexual.

Can anyone offer me any advice about this? I know that I’m a good person at heart, but I really struggle with this, and how a “good person” wouldn’t have these kinds of thoughts. Should I be glad that she’s out of my life? My main problem is the gym we both belong to is kind of my sanctuary and I can't shake the feeling that I've wrecked it for myself. That she's going to tell other people what a terrible person/pervert I am, and that they're going to kick me out.

Thanks for reading,
Boatie

First off, welcome to PC!

It's great that you recognize this sex thing as a problem for it ruins your life and relationships. The important part is that you do have a therapist and are working on it.

As far as the girl go (I'm actually surprised that you have girl friends because I scared all mine away long ago!), forget her. I don't know what you text, but that's just a normal male thing I guess.

What ever happens at the club happens. The other members might know her story and pay her no mind and kick her out for malicious gossiping? Dont worry about it, just wait to see what happens next and then deal with it.

When I get obsessed on something, I found that by redirecting my attention elsewhere, I can distract from the object of my obsession. Mind you...it's very hard and takes me a couple tries. I don't know if this will work for you for I'm not diagnosed OCD, but I've been often called a one track mind.

We are mentally ill, and if someone thinks that we can just quit being m.i. and say nasty mean things instead of shrugging it, off....then she's no real friend.

Good luck.

Welcome to PC!

I don't think you said anything wrong at all. You are a man, you were interested in this girl sexually, she must have said 'no', and you made a crack about still wanting her. Your 'R' comment IMHO wasn't bad at all.

You say you obsess about sex all the time, but are you having any sex? If you get a girlfriend and start having sex, will you feel better?

I'm single and haven't had sex in over a year. It's not *all* I think about, but I find myself saying outrageously flirtatious things to my female friends, some of whom I'm not even attracted to. I don't know why I do it and it's always over text or Facebook. I say things I would never say face to face.

We'd been meeting every Friday night in the hot tub and we'd go for drinks after. I thought we were getting to be good friends. She suggested we could date but didn't want to because it would ruin the friendship. I said I understood and had no problems with it. We were even texting each other late at night in bed to say goodnight. So while my joke / comment was pretty lame, it was the vicious vicious backlash that sent me into tears.

That's where I am right now. I'm struggling with the belief that "a good person wouldn't say the things I do."

Thanks for all the feedback, it helps. I'm meeting my therapist to go this in two weeks. Tick tock, Scully.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

If she were your real friend she would have just laughed it off as an inappropriate joke.

I think it is normal to desire sex if you haven't had any in a while?

Whats a "good person"? I don't know what you say, but I'll take your word on it that it can get quite lude?

Usually to deal with a personality defect, I'd have to disembark from the situation to give the trigger and feelings that go with it a break to rest. Maybe you're just a flirty kind of guy that gets carried away as long as the girl is receptive, and then that one comment too much....

Maybe limiting comments to one or two and leaving on a good note is better then driving to the edge of the cliff while pressing the gas?

Please don't beat yourself up over this, it just doesn't help.

Good luck with you.

It doesn't get quite lude. I mean, I have thoughts about sex that I never ever verbalize, but the raciest thought I ever texted her was "I'd love to slip you out of your bikini." And that was at night while we were texting in bed. And I told her I promised myself I would never tell her that. I can't remember what her reply was, but it obviously didn't offend her because we kept meeting and chatting. I get that my latest comment was too much, and my god, will I ever not say anything like this to anyone again. I just don't know how to stop myself from thinking I'm a bad person for having sexual thoughts. It's probably related to how I was raised.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You are not a bad person, maybe a little transfixed? Believe me, I have sexual thoughts all the time and just keep them to myself unless its the right time with the right person.

If a woman wants to play that way and lead you on, then gets pissed about it...she should of never started playing. Its all on her to say it nicely.

Take a deep breath and say,"Start over. Lesson learned." And move on.

I have to do it all the time, like resetting.

You are a 41 year-old man in the hot tub with women who have 'friend zoned' you. This woman is leading you on texting you from bed late at night and flirting, but puts the stops on it and gets indignant about it.

You should focus on why the women have friend zoned you. Move on to new ones who are romantic possibilities. Don't feel bad about anything you said. If you were raised to feel so ashamed about being sexual, work on getting over that with the therapist.

I know exactly why she friend zoned me: she wants to have more kids and I told her I don't want to have children. Up to that point she said we could date, but I don't know that I would have dated her because I've heard she screams at people and I know she spent the night in jail. I only just recently moved back to my home town after four years away and I'm trying to make new friends and date people.

I think part of the problem is that my anxiety disorder keeps me from dating people because when I start getting close to them, my anxiety kicks in and I run away. My therapist told me that I have obsessive thoughts about death and dying because I haven't formed the close relationships to people that others have.

How does death and dying have to do with forming close relationships?

My therapist told me that my lack of close relationships make me have obsessive thoughts about death and dying because when it happens (like in a hospital) I'll have to go it alone. He said most people can get through anything if they have close relationships to buoy them in a storm. I don't really (except for my parents, who are getting old now), so when I think about them getting sick or dying, I freak out.

A lot of people feel that way about their parents and fear 'dying alone'. I think the media has perpetuated an image of loved ones gathered around the bedside holding vigil. Personally, I don't think about that. When it's over, it's over. I'd like to feel that I was fulfilled, satisfied, ready to move on.

Which brings us back to close relationships. Don't you want them?

I'm *dying* for a close personal relationship, it's just that this is usually what happens when I go (or went) on dates:

I would meet a woman online or through other real life connections, and the entire time I was on the date, half of my mind would be thinking "don't freak out, don't freak out, you're safe where you are, you don't need to rush to the washroom, you don't need to race home." The other half of me would be trying to concentrate on the conversation. Then part of my thoughts would be thinking "If she knew what was going on in your head, she wouldn't want to be with you." And I'd also be thinking "I have nothing to offer her, it would be better that she finds someone else."

What really depresses me is that all of these "I have to get out of here" thoughts just disappeared when I lowered my Prozac from 40 mg to 30 mg. They just vanished. The problem is that I was prescribed 80 mg when I was 19, and only just started lowering the dosage at 41. So now I'm trying to get back into dating, but people are married and have kids and houses and whatnot, and I've been fighting so much with my brain that I'm way behind everyone in terms of finances and stability and whatnot, that I feel no one will want me and I have nothing to offer.

Wow, that's so interesting about how the Prozac actually gave you more social anxiety. I hope the dose you are now taking is right for you.

It's never too late. 41 is still a good age to be getting married and having children. There are plenty of women who would love to meet a nice guy like you!

There isn't anything wrong with being honest with them and saying how you have anxiety issues you have been working on and hope they will be patient with you. They may feel very relieved by that communication. Remember, the women are thinking that you may not be liking them and they are self conscious.

- Yeah, the drug has absolutely made things worse. I don't know why my first psychiatrist put me on 80 mg, but at 19 and having had no therapy, I thought that the "i need to get out of here" thoughts were mine because I was a head case. :/

- I'm working on dating. It's a slow process. But thanks for the support.

Boatie