[kelsey65]

I’m not sure quite how to begin, but the reason for my post is to see if there is anyone else that feels as unsure about their gender as I do. At the same time I want to put down in writing a record for myself of what has brought me to this moment in my life, hopefully as a release and recognition of what I have kept to myself over the years. For what will probably be a long post I apologise.

About a week ago I had a dream that has had a major impact on my thoughts ever since. It has made me take a review of my life, which has led to a big question mark in my head. I can only actually remember a very small part of the dream, the part just before I woke up. I am standing by a mirror looking at myself, although in the reflection I cant see my face, but I have long beautiful black hair, and an extremely attractive womans body (I am actually a man!). As I look at the mirror, I can hear myself saying that “I am not going to do it”, and I can see that I am about to get undressed. I can then hear my wifes voice saying “no way, we have had to live with all of this, you are not getting away with not going through with it now”. I can then see that I am re-adjusting my dress, and getting ready to leave the room. At that point I woke up.

As I say, since then I have pretty much only had thoughts about what this dream meant and also the events in my life that have led to my feelings today. There are plenty of obvious references in it such as I do wear womens clothing all of the time, but its not so obviously feminine in that its never anything like a dress. My wife is also not really on board with this aspect of my life, although I do try to limit her exposure to it, as again my preference is not to wear dresses etc. This was the easy part of the dream to understand, but what I couldn’t figure out was if I was simply crossdressing in the dream, or was I actually a woman because I looked so perfectly female. I have always felt that I was a little different inside, but could never really put a label on that difference. I know for sure that I am different from what people expect me to be. This dream has brought into focus that I need to confront exactly what that difference is. I am almost 60 years old (wow that sounds so old!!!), I still don’t know who or what I am.

As a kid, due to my fathers profession, we moved about quite a bit, so every couple of years I needed to make new friends. Almost always it would be girls that I would initially make friends with. That’s not to say that I didn’t have very good male friends, it was just that generally I felt more comfortable with girls than boys. I cant really remember being involved in too many girly things like playing with dolls but it was just that I found it easier to make friends with girls rather than boys. I do remember just after we had moved to a new location that when I had started making new friends with the girls, my mother and father had made comments about me needing to stop playing with the girls, which I found confusing. I have never been into traditional male things like playing football, or talking about girls in a male kind of way, but I did enjoy playing games with the girls such as skipping, which my father didn’t approve of.

I do remember being attracted to my mothers underwear, trying them on and looking in the mirror, which on one occasion I was caught by my father, not a good moment! As a kid, and to be honest as an adult I did take things quite seriously, and would get upset fairly easily, this was especially so when interacting with my father who I don’t think understood why I wasn’t a traditional boy, especially when compared to my younger brother. I was not outwardly girly but I certainly wasn’t the boy he expected me to be. I was a serious, sensitive little boy who just wanted to be myself, and not what he wanted me to be.

Since I was young I have had an extreme interest in anything to do with sex but this was always kept to myself, never physically acted upon as a child (well maybe a couple of times, once with a boy and once with a girl, just showing each other what we had got between our legs). Over the years I graduated from sneeky glimpses of “Page 3 Girls” (topless models in UK newspapers) to top-shelf magazines, to hardcore magazines and then eventually the internet. When moving on to hardcore I found that sight of mens genitals was mindblowing. In fact as I write this I do remember when I was much younger, that a friend of mine had found his fathers porn stash. I remember seeing a photo of a womens face being surrounded by a number of, well you can guess what! I didn’t really know what I was looking at but it did look interesting. I do look at porn, both straight and gay a fair bit, with my concentration usually on the guys, but I don’t feel its got to the addiction stage. I have a very kinky side to me, which almost always alone, I indulge and enjoy.

I was married in my early 20’s, and in fact almost 40 years later, we are still married. What is frustrating and upsetting however is that not much more than a year into the marriage, I discovered that I was bisexual. This discovery came about in a random way.

Possible trigger:

I was sitting on the toilet in a public washroom, and saw there was a hole in the cubicle wall. I looked through and saw a guy pleasuring himself to climax. PING! That was it, I wanted more. So at every opportunity, I would pay visits to washrooms to enjoy the show, and also to take part with my own display. This led on to closer encounters in the washrooms and in guys houses.

I absolutely love guys genitals, but don’t want to get too descriptive here. Over the years although there were never many physical encounters, they have got less and less, as the fear of catching something and passing it on to my wife increased. I do feel so guilty about cheating on my wife, who I do love with all my heart, but the urge is just so great.

If I had realised I was bisexual before I got married, I would probably not have gone through with the marriage, as it has caused such anguish. I do love my wife, and am attracted to her, but being attracted to men at the same time, and needing to experience physical moments with guys has made life complicated. It creates a major guilt for being unfaithful, and rightfully so I am sure people would condemn me. I am paranoid about passing anything unpleasant on to my wife, so that very much makes me reluctant to meet many guys and thus causes much frustration for not being able to satisfy this need I have. My wife has absolutely no knowledge of this side of my life, it would kill her if she ever found out.

A couple of years into my marriage I rediscovered my interest in wearing female clothing, initially underwear, but then moving on to other garments. I don’t like to use the term crossdressing, as although initially wearing female underwear was partly sexual, it has been more a need to wear the clothes that feel “right” for me. Strangely wearing dresses has never been a big thing for me, instead I prefer to wear “stealth” clothing. This is female clothing such as jeans and t-shirts that when I am wearing them, you would have to look closely to realise that I am not wearing guy clothes. I don’t like unisex clothing, it has to be genuine girl clothing. To go out only wearing female clothing, including shoes is just so right for me, I feel myself, I feel relaxed, I feel that I am being me and not what others want me to be. I don’t have the fear of being publicly scorned and at the same time I don’t have to wear the guy clothes that I just hate wearing. I am not huge, but am on the heavier side of being overweight, which does cause some issues in clothing choice, but this dream I have had has pushed me to a resolve to try and get the weight off so that my clothing choices can widen. When at home I usually change from my male work clothing (argggggh) into leggings and not overly feminine girls t-shirts. When I first started wearing female underwear, my wife did find out, and was shocked and not at all willing to accommodate me. However over the years she has grown to accept that this is a part of me. As far as underwear goes, I am not into lacy things, its simple cotton hipsters and boyshorts that I prefer. I simply want to be comfortable, I don’t want to stand out, I just want to be me. I think the fact that I don’t go out dressed as a drag queen, and do look fairly “normal” (whatever that is) , has helped to allow my wife is to accept what I am doing. As far as makeup goes, I did experiment a little years ago, but never really got into wearing it. I do feel however, that this is something I need to revisit.

A question that has entered my head in the past, and that has come flooding back to me because of this dream is “If you could live your life again, would you want to be a female, or remain a male”. Without a doubt, or hestitation, I have always said I WANT TO BE FEMALE. I used a mobile app the other day called FaceApp, where you can upload a photo of yourself as a male, and it will create a female version of you from it. I nearly cried when I saw the result, I saw my daughter staring back at me!!! It showed me what could be. I know to be female brings many challenges in life that a male doesn’t face, such as physical things related to the female body, or life chances such as career progression, but that would be a price to pay that I could accept. To confuse things however, I don’t experience any dysphoria when it comes to my body, I am quite happy with whats down below, as I say I love mens genitals! If dysphoria extends to clothing, yes I do experience it, but even then as I have mentioned, my clothing preference is not overtly feminine. All I am sure of is that to live life as a female feels more true to myself than a life as a male.

So to finally get to the point of this post, this dream has made me take a look at myself, and ask the question “what are you?” Am I just a crossdresser, am I a guy that’s trying to convince himself that he wants to be female, am I truly somewhere on the Trans spectrum, or am I just a fake??? ☹ Gender was in the past something straightforward, you were a boy or a girl, and the idea of switching was something you only read about in the “News Of The World” But today things are different, the question of gender is being spoken about and in so many cases, acted upon. I am probably at the older end of individuals questioning their gender, but it is still something that I need to confront. Does anyone else feel like I do, how did you come to terms with it?

What I do know is that at the age I am at, I am not going to jump into a drastic change. I have lived with this for so long, and as I say I don’t suffer from any dysphoria about my body, I can certainly continue to live as I am. I am relaxed about my bisexuality, it really has nothing to do with gender. But to be able to accept for myself that my thoughts of transformation are real and not just a kink, would help me so much to understand the “difference” I feel.

As for the future, I can see myself losing the weight, wearing the clothes that make me feel like me, possibly wearing some subtle makeup, but still having the question “what if!” in my head. Thank you for being patient with me and reading this post, apologies again for its length.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

This is an interesting account. I would caution you against reading too much into the dream. Dream interpretation is both important and fascinating, but counting on one dream to even consider such a drastic change would not be prudent.

[kelsey65]

Thanks so much for responding to my post. I am trying to not read too much in to that dream. In the most part it seems fairly straightforward, acknowledging my wife's frustration with me seems likely, although I have never dressed as I was in the dream . But I do wonder if it was my subconscious giving me a bit of a nudge, telling me to confront what is inside me, stuff that is deeper than my preference for female clothing. It brought back thoughts I have had previously about being given a chance to magically change my sex, and how I would want to do so without hesitation.

I feel that at 59 the boat has probably sailed past me if ever I had the courage to push forward with therapy/HRT etc. This is not least because I would imagine that HRT would not be compatible with the medication I must take for Atrial Fibrillation.

My reason for posting is a hope that someone else would maybe have followed even just a slightly similar path to myself, and is able to say how they have navigated it. Trawling up all my past memories, and then trying to make sense of them has made me fear that I am just overthinking everything which I find upsetting which once again I am hiding away.

I guess what I am really hoping for is someone to talk to.

[NovaBlaze]

Hi, I found your post really interesting, @kelsey65, and I am sure you’re not alone in your experiences. I appreciate that you have opened your heart to share your deepest thoughts, feelings and experiences. This takes a lot of courage to do, and I admire you for it.

I wonder if your dream has just coincided with a time in your life when you actually feel more free to accept who you are? I begin to feel myself, now I have entered my sixtieth year, that I’m more inclined to put myself first, and think more of my own path I want to follow in life; and one that will bring me the greatest happiness and satisfaction. I have spent a lifetime putting other people first, and I think there comes a time when this simply becomes too exhausting.

I think, in answer to your question - “Am I a fake?” - I would say most certainly not. Also, I’d ask is it really important to put yourself into a particular category of transgender, crossdresser, etc. You can just be who you are, enjoy what you are currently doing. Continuing to explore your feminine side is what makes you happy, so continue to explore that in a safe way and see where it takes you.

Have you ever contacted or sought advice from gender related support groups, just out of interest?

Wishing you all the best, and please keep posting about your progress and experiences.

Jeff.

[kelsey65]

Hi @NovaBlaze. Thanks for reading my post. I have been accused when writing that I "go on for too long", but when I start writing, it just feels a release. That is true not just for writings such as these, but anything I write in general!

Thankyou for your comment about the opening of my heart. I just want to finally record what truly has got me to today and not what conformity wants me to say.

I have just gone through a couple of years of change, some of which has been quite emotional. Losing my mum suddenly at the start of 2024, was such a shock. Each day I think about her and miss her. Due to my very early life which I havnt mentioned in my post, she is probably the only person that I think really understood me, although I never mentioned my thoughts about gender to her. My daughter due to her hard work achieved a First Class Honors Degree last year, so has moved to London to start her well deserved first job. We are so proud of her, but it has left a real hole in our life, as she remained at home while attending Uni. We miss her greatly, but it has to be this way. I have also had a change of role at work, which has brought in more money. Although money is far from everything, it does help to allow me feel less reluctant about experimenting with new clothing etc.

After having gone through these 2 years of changes, you could be right about me feeling more free to accept myself. Life is too short as they say, and to live with regret for not making the most of it, is not what I want to end my days with. To move closer to allowing myself to be put first is hard as I don't want to upset my wife who has been strong when our marriage has gone through its ups and downs, Maybe I need to get some courage and speak to her about my feelings, so at least she can try to understand what compels me to do what I do. That would be a huge and possible destructive move however for which I dont know what is best. You are right that labels are not really required, for to be me, but they can be an affirmatiion of who that me is and that I am not going mad.

I have never contacted anyone about gender issues, until my post on this site, it has always been the kind of thing I kept to myself. I wish things had been different so that I didn't need to confront all of this now, but there you go!

I will continue to post, as the skeleton is most certainly out of the cupboard Thanks again for reading and replying to my outpourings.

[NovaBlaze]

Originally Posted by kelsey65

Thanks for reading my post. I have been accused when writing that I "go on for too long", but when I start writing, it just feels a release. That is true not just for writings such as these, but anything I write in general!

Hi @kelsey65. Writing can be a really great way of helping to understand and solidify thoughts and feelings, so carry on writing as much as you can.

Originally Posted by kelsey65

Losing my mum suddenly at the start of 2024, was such a shock. Each day I think about her and miss her…she is probably the only person that I think really understood me, although I never mentioned my thoughts about gender to her.

I’m sorry for your loss, which must be made even harder by the fact that your Mum understood you. That kind of grief will take time to come to terms with. It’s good that you have positive memories of your Mum to look back on - hold on tightly to those memories.

Originally Posted by kelsey65

My daughter due to her hard work achieved a First Class Honors Degree last year, so has moved to London to start her well deserved first job. We are so proud of her, but it has left a real hole in our life, as she remained at home while attending Uni.

This resonates with me. I really missed my daughter when she left home. We talked about everything. Again, it will take time to come to terms with this, and for me it changed my perspective on life. Like you though, I was incredibly happy for her, and I really wanted her to find her independence and her own life. I think we all want better things for our kids, don’t we?

Originally Posted by kelsey65

Life is too short as they say, and to live with regret for not making the most of it, is not what I want to end my days with. To move closer to allowing myself to be put first is hard as I don't want to upset my wife who has been strong when our marriage has gone through its ups and downs, Maybe I need to get some courage and speak to her about my feelings, so at least she can try to understand what compels me to do what I do. That would be a huge and possible destructive move however for which I dont know what is best.

Maybe this is where talking to a professional counsellor/ gender specialist might help, as they might be experienced in guiding you through the various paths that you could take.

I’m certainly with you on the fact that life is short, and finding happiness is so important. We can’t go back and change the past, but we can, to some extent, determine what the future is. However, I understand you are in an incredibly difficult position, and face a tremendous dilemma in trying to explain your feelings to your wife. I hope writing on here helps you to get more perspective on your situation.

Jeff.

[kelsey65]

Hi @NovaBlaze You will probably tell from what I have already written I have been dealing with this confusion, for a long time. However in posting here in the last few days, it has helped so much. All the information I have written down was already in my knowledge, but jumbled up, which made it hard to really evaluate exactly what my "difference" actually consisted of. Seeing it all written down does begin to make some sense of it. I cant decide about who I am based on a few days of writing along with a couple of weeks of soul-searching, but its almost like I have had a kind of Epiphany. Its easy to say something like "I am a guy, but I want to be a girl", and make it sound straightforward. However saying I am a "something" who doesn't mind his guy parts, and has a male-female voice inside them that is more female dominant, is way more complicated. What I am trying to say is that although I have really only just scrapped the surface of all of this, I am beginning to think that there is an "otherness" going on with me that isn't explained by "I want to be a girl". Oh why not make it even more confusing!!!!

You are right in that a professional view would likely help, but again its a bit of a decision to take. I am already rehearsing how I would speak to my wife. The subject of bisexuality would be something I could never go anywhere near with her, it would destroy our marriage, so is totally off the cards. However the subject of clothing I wear, that make me feel myself is something that to a lesser extent, she already has an idea about. Me walking about in the evenings wearing girls leggings is a pretty clear sign I would think Although I have no real idea about whats going on inside of me, male/female, female/male etc, to bring that subject up to her may not be the end for us. Just come to mind is that when we were first getting together at college, she said that she thought I was gay, so even then she had sensed that there was something different about me. To get the courage together though, I just don't know.

Apologies again, I did say I liked writing. Something I have to say is that the last two days have been weirdly amazing for me. To give a very quick historical summary, as an adult I have always had a bit of weight about me. Back in 2012 I decided to try and do something about it,partly as an escape from stress. So I managed by doing lots and lots of walking, and watching food intake, to lose a mass of weight, although I ended up hitting a wall a little before my target. Anyway a work role change made it harder to exercise as much, and also having testicular cancer in 2018 (lost one testicle) killed my motivation, so the weight piled on again. In recent years suffering from Afib, made be decide that it was just too hard to exercise.

However in the last couple of days, probably because of my concentration on myself, I decided to see if I could do my lunchtime walking routes again. As I rotate between campuses I get a variety of walks, all including steep hills. So on both days I managed my old walk, all but a little out of breath, and only taking a few minutes longer than I used to. I felt really proud that even though there was a gap in time, I still managed to complete the challenge I set myself. Just about to go out now to walk again, as this just made me feel so good.

Also yesterday, I had a good opportunity to work with one of my female colleagues, who does know me well. I was explaining to her about a situation that's going on with my Dad at the moment, (planning on a separate post somewhere else in this forum for this). As the conversation went round, she said to me that I have always have been in touch with my female side!!! Gobsmacked I was, I felt absolutely ecstatic that she should recognise that in me. I almost cried!!

Anyway I will stop there, as I am off for a walk Didn't realise you could send hugs to people here, so heres one back.

[NovaBlaze]

Originally Posted by kelsey65

However in posting here in the last few days, it has helped so much. All the information I have written down was already in my knowledge, but jumbled up, which made it hard to really evaluate exactly what my "difference" actually consisted of. Seeing it all written down does begin to make some sense of it.

I’m glad it’s helping, @kelsey65.

Originally Posted by kelsey65

What I am trying to say is that although I have really only just scrapped the surface of all of this, I am beginning to think that there is an "otherness" going on with me that isn't explained by "I want to be a girl". Oh why not make it even more confusing!!!!

Strangely, this makes sense to me. We’re all unique, and we’re all a mixture of many things, which change and develop over time. I think it’s why I’m very much opposed to applying labels to people - they’re far too limiting. I think femininity in a man, for example, is a good thing. I don’t necessarily mean as in a man wanting to transition into a woman, but rather being in touch with their feminine side. I'm certain my brain is wired into femininity far more than masculinity, and I really like this aspect of me.

Originally Posted by kelsey65

Anyway a work role change made it harder to exercise as much, and also having testicular cancer in 2018 (lost one testicle) killed my motivation, so the weight piled on again. In recent years suffering from Afib, made be decide that it was just too hard to exercise.

You’ve had a lot to cope with there, that must have been very frightening to experience. Perhaps this all gives you a different perspective on life, and maybe it’s making you focus on wanting to be the real you?

Originally Posted by kelsey65

As the conversation went round, she said to me that I have always have been in touch with my female side!!! Gobsmacked I was, I felt absolutely ecstatic that she should recognise that in me. I almost cried!!

I’ve had people say similar things to me.

Elements of your posts have resonated with me, and I’ve shared some more personal thoughts with you, should you choose to read them, via a personal message to you. I think you said you were still working out how things work on this site, so you can read your own PMs by following the link below. You can reply privately too, should you choose to.

https://mysupportforums.org/private.php.

Jeff.