I think I know what I am.

A few weeks ago I posted about my need to know what I am and if I am a fake or not regarding my recent feelings about my gender. Its been a whirlwind of emotions since I last posted, some good, some not so good and some...…..

On the question of if I am fake or not, I read something recently that has put my mind at rest somewhat. It said that if you were fake, you would know that straight away, you wouldn't need to ask yourself that question as you would already know for sure that you were faking. However the very fact that you have asked the question of yourself means that you don't know the answer, therefore you cant be faking! It seems to make sense to me.

The "What am I" question is still not totally clear although I am now a lot closer to the answer. When I had the dream I spoke of in my previous post, and all my memories came flooding back, I initially thought that I must be transgender. However on reading about that experience I realised that it didn't really fit how I was feeling. I have no dysphoria and in the main I am not unhappy with my body. However I NEED to wear the female clothing I wear (see my previous post) all of the time. So while reading many articles about the transgender experience I came across a page that made me jump out of my seat, as it was describing just how I felt. The site spoke about what it was like to be non-binary. Although there are so many ways to experience being non-binary, what is said had so many resonances with me, I had found an answer that I could understand and one that fitted mostly how I felt. At first I could only think of myself as being male and female at the same time, all of the time, but that didn't fully fit with how I felt. There is a male and a female side to me, but they are distinct, and not merged into one. I have started imagining it as being a horizontal line with a pointer in the exact centre. To the left of the pointer is my female side and to the right is my male side. The centre position is the default position where neither gender are dominant. Its kind of like a non-gender, neither male or female. However sometimes the pointer moves to the left so I "feel" more feminine, and sometimes to the masculine feeling right where I feel more like a guy. I cant figure when or why the pointer moves, it just does. Its extremely hard to put into words exactly what feeling feminine or masculine is like, but I can definitely feel the difference. The closest I can get to it is that the feminine side feels calmer more relaxed and something I am more "at home" with. The masculine side feels more alert, more ready to deal with things, its not unpleasant at all, but it is different from the feminine. I am not really sure if this totally describes how I am feeling, but it seems the best I can put into words at the moment, no doubt it will change as time goes on. So I have decided that I am non-binary, but I don't want to label myself with one of the countless tags that are available such as genderfluid, genderqueer, demi-boy/girl etc etc. I am feeling much more relaxed in this realisation, but it has given me a need to venture further into what it actually means, how will it effect me? What I do know is that I don't want to go through a transformation, and that I am very happy with what I have down below and don't want to change a thing there.

So having written all of this here, maybe after all I have answered my questions;

What am I? - I am non-binary (not 100% sure what "flavour")
Am I fake? - NO NO NO.

I have been doing so much thinking and reading that I have more to say, but I will leave that for another post.