[Raynaadi]

My boyfriend turned 40 2 weeks ago. 6 months ago we started off hot and heavy, amazing sex etc. Now its maybe once every couple of weeks. He says men loose their sex drive at 40.

I've NEVER enjoyed sex like I do with him and now I'm going NUTS. Insight? Ideas? Suggestions? How can I make him want me???? HELP!!!!

[heyjoe]

lets see, just because im answering doesnt mean ive lost my sex drive.....we all go through periods of ebb and flow, but 40 is kinda young so some suggestions i have is various locations in and out of the house, fun role playing, could include dressing up, initiating more if you arent already, its exciting to be wanted, maybe renting some hot movies, massages are also a big turn on both giving and receiving......hope i helped

[Raynaadi]

Thanks Joe. I know I've gotta try initiating more. I've just gotten know his signals and can tell when he's in the mood, so when I can tell he's not in the mood, I'm always afraid to do anything.

And now he's sick with a cold hahahaha. This too shall pass I hope.

hmmm...i have to think about this....men do NOT lose their sex drive in their 40's.
they may lose stamina or length of time....involved...but never the drive.
once every couple weeks?
there has to be something going on with him...my only guess is that it's a physical problem of some sort.
unless there's a silent type argument going on and he's witholding.
i can't think of a rational reason from going from hot and heavy to once/2 weeks in a 6 month time...have you tried asking him?

[Perna]

My husband is 64, men do not lose their sex drive in their 40s

[nowheretorun]

i'm gonna guess it's what gtrplyr said... a silent argument... it's happened to me before.. it only made it worse when she tried to get sexier... hell, she was already sexy, that definately was not the problem

I've been out with guys in their early fourties and they hadn't lost their drive.

Can you talk to him about this?

Has he had a medication change recently? It can be a side-effect of psych meds.

There can be a difference between being decidedly NOT in the mood and being persuadable...

[Raynaadi]

I think its psychological for him right now. He's really had a rough time turning 40. I really think its all in his head. And I think if I were more "pursuadable" it would make a big difference. I don't think he'd turn me down if I got him started. We have talked about it and he does know that I'm having a hard time with it.

He felt so bad about being sick this weekend and not being able to give me some relief that he took me to a wonderful dinner tonight. When I said that he spoils me he said he felt so bad about not being able to perform.

So I'm getting that its not about me. He's hitting a rough patch in his life and I think thats whats going on. He made his appointment for a 40 year old checkup at the doctor and thats a huge step for him, so I think he's starting to worry about his health and mortality.

I'm hoping its just a phase and that it'll pass.

[sunrise]

I think there is a wide range of sex drive in men. Your guy sounds within the normal range. Some guys just have a stronger libido than others. I've experienced both ends of the spectrum. What the low libido guys don't like is to feel they "should" be having sex more frequently (makes them feel deficient), so it can be touchy talking about this. But the fact that your guy started out with higher libido and then went to low does sound like there is something else going on, as you have said. Hope everything works out for you two.

[Raynaadi]

Thanks. The relationship I was in before was the polar opposite. The guy wanted sex all the time and I didn't. I hated feeling pressure so I'm really trying not to do that in my current relationship. And yes, he's feeling very inadequate, so I feel bad that I brought it up to him, but he said its good that I'm being honest.

Its just such a switch for me, to enjoy sex for the first time ever, and do be in love and in a real adult relationship. Its just another part of growing up that I've gotta get used to.

Thanks everyone so much for your input. I know the "heat" tends to change from the way it is in a new relationship to how it grows and matures, so I'm trying not to freak out too much.

It is great that you were able to talk to him about this... Er... Did you ask him what it was about? Is it that he is experiencing loss of desire or inability to achieve an erection or that once it comes then it goes or quite what is going on?

> I don't think he'd turn me down if I got him started.

So it is just that he isn't initiating things how he once was?

> When I said that he spoils me he said he felt so bad about not being able to perform.

If it is about erectile dysfunction (which most men experience at SOME point) then... Well... Sometimes it can help to be a bit creative about sex. Often we think of sex as a 'goal oriented' activity where the whole point is for one (usually the guy) or both to orgasm. But... There can be nice pleasurable things to do that aren't so goal oriented. Sometimes... The pressure of feeling like one needs to achieve the goal can actually be counter-productive... Things like massage or manual stimulation or just gentle stroking / petting or kissing etc can be quite pleasurable even if neither 'achieve' orgasm. Often... Once the pressure comes off... Then the fun returns :-) Often... We have a view of sexual activity that is quite phallicentric too (hence LOTS of performance anxiety)... Variety can be the spice of life...

Sometimes... The rate of sex that we have in a fairly new relationship is something that can't really be sustained long term. Once or twice a week is fairly good (with respect to long term). Sometimes people are happy with less... But really... It is about mutual happiness as much as possible. It is possible that... The rate that you guys were having is simply unsustainable long term and his body is starting to poop out on him a little. Quality rather than quanitity perhaps ;-)

[bebop]

I feel your pain hon. my hubby "turned off" several years ago. went from a couple of times a day to just whenever he gets around to it. sometimes a couple of months. I still have no idea what is going on. he says sometimes he thinks his testosteron (sp) is low. maybe have the dr check that out for him with his checkup.

[Rick61701]

Raynaadi,

If he expected his sex drive to drop when he turned 40, and continues to reinforce it. He got exactly what he was expecting.

You get what you reinforce. I have dealt with this quite a few times.

I know this doesn't make it any better, but I wanted to add my two cents from another prospective.

Rick

[iimmscared]

THis is from a man who is in his 20's but I do understand this because for awhile i think ive lost my sex drive but I did hook up with a girl tonight and was hard and everything ...

Guys dont lose their sex drive just randomly, something happens. It could be many things, but there is always a trigger. It could be hes scared about something, usually something about himself, impotence, sexual orientation (which i doubt) some fear he has, stress, etc. That could be that, maybe after 6 months he can be feeling scared to get close to you? It could be something in hsi relationship history, etc. Most women assume when this goes on a man suddenly has another gf or something ,but that Is raarely the case, men are beings of insecurity just as women are, and as we get older life is harder and harder... the best way is to talk to him but do NOT pressure him if hes not ready because it is absolutely scary for a guy to not be able to preform, ive never felt worse and ive had a crazy life.

[Raynaadi]

Rick I think you hit the nail on the head. I really think its all mental for him.

So my next question to the men who have hit 40, did you go through something like this? Did you have this idea in your head that after 40 it all goes downhill?

He seems to be emerging from those thoughs, and now we've been sick hahahaha. First him and now me. Sooooo its been over a month.

Another question to the men is, do you ever feel pressured by your girlfriend/wives? I know for women we can feel pressured when our men are kinda pushing it, at least thats how its been for me in my past (just a wrong fit I think, not anyone's fault). And I don't want to make my boyfriend feel this way.

The discussions we've had regarding the lack of sex makes him feel inadequate and he keeps saying he feels like he's letting me down.

So men, how can I let him know my desires and my frustrations without hurting his feelings? Thats the last thing I want to do.....I just want him, and want him to know that he's wanted.

This is all completely new for me and I GREATLY appreciate the men's input on this.

Ladies its good to know I'm not alone in this experience, I'm just really looking for the men's point of view. I've been learning a lot of from the men on the site and thats such a huge change for me, to feel comfortable getting help with men's issues from the men lol!!!

Thanks everyone!!!!!

[heyjoe]

i think we all kind of think about our mortality when we hit 40 or 50......60 i dont know about yet.....i dont really feel pressure at all at home, its the women that hit on me when im out that i feel pressure from.....ha

a suggestion i would have is maybe rubbing his back or a massage and then when he relaxes seeing where it may lead....it may lead nowhere as far a lovemaking goes, but it is a good feeling to get one and to give one.

[Raynaadi]

Yes, we've actually had the massage conversation. Just haven't tried it yet....

[GYPSYEYES]

Raynay.... what the heck are ya waiting for...

use some of those hot oils....guaranteed results

set the mood... have sented candles all over.. some soothing tunes playing.

keep me posted

[ziggy1]

Hi raynaddi...maybe he is depressed about something? I have lost my sex drive 3 times during my lifetime of depression. He might not be saying anything about it? Some people get depressed and then want more sex too. So it works both ways from my point of view..take care luv..peace to you

[Raynaadi]

I see signs of depression in him, yeah. I've said so and he agrees. I really think he's putting himself through the ringer with the fact that he's 40. My hope is he'll snap out of it.

Hopefully I'll be over being sick soon and then maybe it'll happen hahah. Thanks guys.