Explicit content: masochism. Sexual eperience

I was in An unconvential relationship for seven years practically married. The man was still a virgin at twenty one and i was his first experience. Took him three minutes, he punched the wall n told me he loved me. So i should have cut n run.
The second time we slept together something odd happened. In missionary i was a bit bored, n his eyes rolled back so i could only see the whites. Then suddenly he took his hand and pushed my head over the edge of the bed till i went between the bars n he tried to put one of my legs up to my shoulder n i stopped him horrified. He acted like nothing had happened.
Another time he spaced out and whispersd in my ear " this time i am going to shoot you up your a#$@ just like piggy told me to do" and again he denied he ever said it.
Do not ask me why i never left this man, its a very long and complicated story. People thought he was a saint too so i doubt everyone would believe what i have confessed. But i had to share . A problem shared is a problem halved. I just dont know how to articulate this to a therapist.
I slept with a girl recently and i must attract these ppl with demons on their shoulder cause she would act nice then whisper " i want to bend u over" n " want to make u come." What makes people think i am willing for these things in the sack. I offered her tea or coffee n morning but she strolled off saying " walk of shame" and i didnt feel great for days. I then got needy like an ex i felt sorry for when i should have took it at face vaue. I dont know how ppl can do one night stands.
I want someone i can kiss n cuddle all night. I dont think ill have sex for a while ill abstain.

Wrong forum.

Now walk of shame has brought something else to forefront. I was young and met an older guy who i thought was kinda cool so we hung out. He was actually my first sexual encounter i forgot. Well we didnt go all the way . But he was disapointed i had small chest n told lies at a club i attended that i got naked on his couch trying to seduce him when all we did ws spokn in his bed n a little fondling.
I went home from his one night at about one and the head of my club told the adults i was seen doing the walk of shame but we were just hanging n it wasnt morning i was so mad to be made a fool of. He then went on to scar my character more saying in full presence of everyone" you wont make the olympic team if u get preganant now" meant as a joke but it was out of order. Thats the thing about being a girl growing up. Boys can walk away from these situatons.
My parents wouldnt even let me stay over at anyones when i turned 18.;trying to tighten the leash treating me like a child . One friend was like buld up the trust n do as they say but that didnt work. If i came on when i said they wouldnt extend it it would stay the same so i rebelled like any other teen n i ruined my life

I'm not really sure what you're asking here....why you attract people that say these things?

Yes i guess i am tryying to figuree why i am a magnet to people with a dark side. Im quite baby faced and innocent looking ive been told8

No escape

I DID try and leave my ex of seven years. The doc was a a%%hole and put "psychosis" on my sick form so everyone at work knew.
I took an overdose of olanzapine as I was dying inside and I didn't know how to escape. I was constantly reminded of all the stupid things I had committed while being ill, either by my ex or just cues in my hometown.
I asked to stay at a relatives house and my brother discovered I had not been taking my pills as the date on the box was old, little detective. My ex came round incessantly even though I asked for some time away. But because I had stopped the meds I was sorta up the creek.
We went to Asda soon after and we were bickering quietly and I was still manic, and I said "I will throw a party when I am allowed to leave you."
He said to me "ill ignore that because that isn't really you that is saying that" like I was J Macavoy from split or newt from Hollyoaks. I know that wasn't right to say but I felt like his puppet.
I phoned my boss, saying I nearly jumped out the car, that's not like me. I gibbered the biggest heap of non-sense to my relative and they just said they were worried about me. I did it to the owner before signed off too. She said I acted like a hard nut all the time. I thought I came across as a shy, awkward, drip