[Artchic528]

I've been talking to this guy online and we consider ourselves a couple (as much a couple as we can be before meeting face to face). You see, he lives in Hungary so it's not exactly as simple as meeting up at the local coffee shop. We've discussed the future and agreed to be loyal to one another, or at least I've stopped looking do to other circumstances which are out of my control.

Anyways, we often spend a lot of time together online, talking everyday, and playing video games together. Because of the physical limitations, we can't obviously be intimate with each other. Instead we have sessions online where we type out role plays via Skype to sastisfy our desire to be closer intimately. That therein lies the problem. He seems to want me to be physically violent and dominating toward him in our fantasies, and I can't bring myself to be that way. Not with him, or anyone. I've had past traumas where I've been hit and I just can't inflict that sort of pain on anyone I care so deeply about.

I've said this to him and yet, he can't seem to be satisfied with anything less than fantasizing about being "punished". Mainly, he gets off on (role play) kicks to the groin and stuff like that. I just want normal fantasy role-play, where we discuss things like sex positions and such.

I don't want to leave him unsatisfied, but at the same time, I want to be happy too. How can we come to some sort of middle ground?

[Teddy Bear]

If he has violent fantasies what is he like IRL?

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Teddy Bear

If he has violent fantasies what is he like IRL?

Insecure, I imagine. He wants me to be violent to him...not the other way around.

Look, if this thread is going to be going back and forth about what is real and what isn't, I'm too damn sleep deprived for that sorta thing right now. Please don't make it that. Okay.

[Artchic528]

Anyone? Please!?

[bearguardian]

Do you feel comfortable in self sacrificing? Sometimes it leaves people feeling fake and against their nature and sometimes they have comfort in serving for other.

[winter loneliness]

Maybe post this on the sex forum.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by bearguardian

Do you feel comfortable in self sacrificing? Sometimes it leaves people feeling fake and against their nature and sometimes they have comfort in serving for other.

Self sacrificing? What?

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

Maybe post this on the sex forum.

That's where this is posted....

[bearguardian]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Self sacrificing? What?

squze my english... sounds so macabre you know, just do it and endure your pain for him... I know it can be overwhelming, just an idea if you can go through it

[bearguardian]

at least try

[bearguardian]

he may give up after himself

[mindwrench]

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Sometimes people are just not compatible in the areas that matter to them. I personally would not go against my own feelings in that department to please someone else. It doesn't mean I'm judging them for their particular wants/needs, just that I don't share them and would incur lasting shame, guilt, etc. if I went along with it.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by mindwrench

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Sometimes people are just not compatible in the areas that matter to them. I personally would not go against my own feelings in that department to please someone else. It doesn't mean I'm judging them for their particular wants/needs, just that I don't share them and would incur lasting shame, guilt, etc. if I went along with it.

I don't think I'll be looking for anyone else. Like I said, I'm loyal to him and vice versa.

Hey Artchic, forgive me if you already said this in your OP, but have you tried telling him what you want in your sexual role play? Like, asking him to indulge you sometimes (instead of it just being one sided where he gets what he wants and you feel stifled).

Ok I just reread your original post. It sounds like you're not comfortable doing what he wants sexually. I guess it really depends on how ok you are with going against your feelings and doing what he wants in order to be satisfied. Since you've talked to him before about this, I'm not really sure what else to say. It sounds like you guys like each other a lot, but that you might be incompatible in this regard sexually. It's really up to you what you want to do.

[Artchic528]

So, you're saying that I should give up my sense of morality and my mental stability to see to it that he's sastisfied? Being violent to him isn't an option because I care about him too much, and it brings up painful memories of my abuse and things I did to others in anger.

No...I don't think this will ever be an option....that's why I made this thread...to get advice on what I CAN do to make this work.

[winter loneliness]

Sex is a pretty big part of many relationships. If his fetish is something he needs for his sexual fulfillment and you are unwilling to act on it, it could be a deal breaker.

[scorpiosis37]

I don't understand why he is persisting on this fetish after you've already told him it triggers your prior abuse. If he cares about you as much as you say he does, he should prioritize your safety over his fetish. I can't imagine wanting someone to do something for me that made them uncomfortable. Their discomfort would totally kill it for me. I couldn't take pleasure in someone else's discomfort. If he wants this online, it will probably escalate when you do eventually meet in person. That could get unsafe. Even if he wants the pain inflicted on him, the power he is trying to exercise over you to make you do it is a sign of sadism. I don't have any advice for how to work this out. It seems like a pretty sificnant road block.

Originally Posted by Artchic528

So, you're saying that I should give up my sense of morality and my mental stability to see to it that he's sastisfied? Being violent to him isn't an option because I care about him too much, and it brings up painful memories of my abuse and things I did to others in anger.

No...I don't think this will ever be an option....that's why I made this thread...to get advice on what I CAN do to make this work.

No Artchic. That is not what I'm saying at all. I was trying to be supportive and open. I hadn't read your OP carefully in my first post, hence why I made the second post. If you don't want to act out role-play with him, in which you are being violent towards him, because it makes you uncomfortable, and it is against your morals and values, you shouldn't have to. I never said you should. I was more trying to be open (in my first post) and hadn't read your thread carefully. I'm not perfect.

[Patagonia]

You said you’re doing roleplay. Roleplay is a very specific term here. It can take awhile to cultivate it too & set up boundaries.
If you wanto keep the relationship & your partner does too then there needs to be some compromises here.

First rule of roleplay are setting boundaries. What are they? What are the specifics? What’s the goal?

Second is getting into the proper headspace. Some can easily do this, some need practice & some just can’t. I feel Practice is key. You need to engage your mind actively into the roleplay; some can lose themselves in it. A well informed partner knows your boundaries, soft limits & hard limits.
Again communication is key.

Roleplay is not for everyone. At first thought for me, it was too triggering of where the end product was headed. Now, after seeing the steps, the triggers & how I had all the control basically, it was actually very empowering. A trigger I thought I could never face....I powered over it & owned it.

Are there other areas of roleplay that you 2 have not discussed? Maybe sideline this one for awhile & come back to it when you have more history together.
Just a thought?

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Insecure, I imagine. He wants me to be violent to him...not the other way around.

Look, if this thread is going to be going back and forth about what is real and what isn't, I'm too damn sleep deprived for that sorta thing right now. Please don't make it that. Okay.

Your friend is a submissive masochist and he has a need for you to dominate him and to hurt him. If you were together IRL, he would probably want to have this same maso-sub behavior. It is certainly not an unusual desire.

It seems that you are heavily invested in this man. He has particular kinks and yet your fantasies are, well, not at all kinky (you just wanna let the Kama Sutra unfold before you).

My opinion: I think that your friend’s ability to admit to his kinks is good; it feels as if he is laying bare what he wants of you. I believe that you might need to get a complete 180 overhaul and decide if you can, or cannot, satisfy your friends wants and desires and, possibly, needs. If you cannot - and, from what you’ve written, I do not believe that you can take charge and dominate and play the sadist. This, alone, might be reason enough to begin distancing yourself from this friend.

And next I will point out something obvious: As you have Skype interaction I would think that the most intimate thing to would be to masturbate together. Now, maybe you have and, maybe, your friend spoke of his need to be dominated and to feel pain.

I only see two choices: accept your friend as he his and indulge him his fantasies - even if you meet IRL - or... decide, for yourself, if you would be uncomfortable belittling and punishing him both over Skype and/or IRL. If you are not sexually compatible then you are not compatible as a couple. You should present this information to your friend whilst respecting his kinks... just not to the point of responding as he would like.

Make sense?

Originally Posted by Artchic528

So, you're saying that I should give up my sense of morality and my mental stability to see to it that he's sastisfied? Being violent to him isn't an option because I care about him too much, and it brings up painful memories of my abuse and things I did to others in anger.

No...I don't think this will ever be an option....that's why I made this thread...to get advice on what I CAN do to make this work.

And my advice is: As you are not sexually compatible with this guy, you should stop investing so much of yourself in him.

No, if you feel that you would be sacrificing your morality and (ye, gods!) mental stability to satisfy your friend sexually (I know nothing about this internet-coupling - ‘touch’ is so much of love to me that I cannot imagine loving someone whose hand I have not held, whose cheek I have not brushed with my lips, &etc.

It seems that he means everything to you? I suggest easing out of this complex world that you two have created. As has been said (or has it?) disparate sexual desires are a deal-breaker.

I do not believe that there is any “advice on what (you) I CAN do to make this work.” Yes, I have had friends/lovers who wanted what I could not give sexually BUT we usually had so much in common sexually that an odd request or two didn’t affect our friendship. (Beware the Gravity’s Rainbow reference.)

I am very much an old-technology guy.

I believe that I would need ‘touch’ before commitment.

I admit that I do not understand how these internet couplings can be so strong (unless part of a larger sexual commitment?).

Yes, I will admit that I find this type of intense, all-encompassing internet couplings, um, yeah, kinda creepy. No, icky. Really icky. Kinda like the feeling I get when someone tries to convince me that gods and fairies co-exist in some sort of ‘other’ dimension (last I heard, quantum mechanics had posited eleven different dimensions, which I think is cool even if it only can be proven by good mathematics).

You’ll not know this man until you touch him and he has expressed his sexual needs and you find his needs repugnant.

Were I you, I would began a disassociation from this guy immediately. You are not compatible. You do not want the same things. Yes, I suppose that the emotion that you feel may feel like love but it could be a construct built from an internet personality with no REAL WORLD experience.

You don’t write of it but how often does he allow his sexual preferences be known? Days, weeks?

It is time that you realize that you would be well rid of he whose sexual desires you could not satisfy.

No, no, no. They need to move on. You need to move on, too.

Originally Posted by Patagonia

You said you’re doing roleplay. Roleplay is a very specific term here. It can take awhile to cultivate it too & set up boundaries.
If you wanto keep the relationship & your partner does too then there needs to be some compromises here.

First rule of roleplay are setting boundaries. What are they? What are the specifics? What’s the goal?

Second is getting into the proper headspace. Some can easily do this, some need practice & some just can’t. I feel Practice is key. You need to engage your mind actively into the roleplay; some can lose themselves in it. A well informed partner knows your boundaries, soft limits & hard limits.
Again communication is key.

Roleplay is not for everyone. At first thought for me, it was too triggering of where the end product was headed. Now, after seeing the steps, the triggers & how I had all the control basically, it was actually very empowering. A trigger I thought I could never face....I powered over it & owned it.

Are there other areas of roleplay that you 2 have not discussed? Maybe sideline this one for awhile & come back to it when you have more history together.
Just a thought?

Even before the rules are set the #1 thing that you must share with role playing partners is trust. If I tie you so that you can be gangbanged by eight fellows, with sufficient barriers set, you must trust that I will put a stop to all if you begin to get iffy with, for example, the #4 dude. There is a safe word for bdsm. There should be safe words for all role play.

I think that your suggestion is good: Sideline the sex talk for a while.

As always, Patagonia’s words are wise.

[Artchic528]

I don't want to distance myself from him. Losing him would be devastating to me, and him losing me would probably kill him. You see, he physically has a bad heart, and I can't in good consciousness cause him to tip over the edge. I can't live with that sort of guilt.

With that aside, I don't get why someone would actually want punishment. It boggles my mind because for me, punishment has a very negative association with it. My physical abuse as a child is one example. I feel he just needs to respect me more about this, and that he isn't.

[Patagonia]

You might wanto explore researching sexual imprinting.