How to mesh different sexual preferences in a relationship?

I'm struggling with my boyfriend on the domination thing. He wants me to dominate, but always says what I should be doing. Not a very good sub, if you ask me.

Moreso the problem is that I don't like domination. I'm only a little bit kinky when it comes to sex. I would like to tie him with handcuffs to the bedposts, but that's as kinky as I can get.

Now, the things I'm not willing to do are to leave him (that would kill him), or break the monogamy in our relationship. So, no "open" relationship suggestions please. I don't even know why that would even be a suggestion to begin with. It's such a stupid idea for me. I'm a very possessive and jealous person. It wouldn't be a good idea at all. Besides, the idea of some other woman getting her paws on him just upsets me to no end.

What I want is a way to mesh our sexual desires so that both of us have fun and enjoy each other and the deep emotional experience of making love.

Any helpful suggestions on how to go about this?

Has he asked you for specific things to be done and that isn't enjoyable to you?

Dan Savage runs a column in the Stranger that addresses these issues pretty regularly. He’s smart and funny to boot. If you google a few key words, you’ll find some advice there.

If I remember correctly, he really is the one that is going to be controlling the situation.

What key words should I be googling, exactly? I tried Savage's column and it got me nowhere. Google also got me nowhere.

I do appreciate you trying to help though. I'm just frustrated is all.

Try putting this in google: The Stranger column Dan Savage BDSM

Thanks, but I really can't get into his sense of humor. It irks me. Therefore, I gave up on his column.

Any other ideas? Anyone? I just want to mesh our sexual styles together into something beautiful is all.

Anyone? I need advice!

OK tbh he doesn't really sound so much "sub" as just lacking in confidence and needing you to take the lead. I'm not so sure he is really into bdsm so much as just inexperienced and unsure what he is really into yet apart from playing out some fantasies perhaps (which I guess is why he's making suggestions). Been in that situation myself.

I'm not really an expert here, but to be honest if you don't enjoy dominating there might not be much you can do to "mesh" your preferences, as you say. I think for most people a lot of the appeal comes when your partner is enjoying him/herself.

But if you want to try my suggestion would be to tell your partner that it's distracting to have him giving you orders in the middle of sex and instead talk beforehand about what he would be interested in you doing, and then try implementing those specific things.

Holy cow. I am so glad i didnt know anything about sex when i was young. All i knew was that kissing felt good, then as i got older and things progressed around the "bases", they got more interesting. More finesse was involved. And a lot of backrubs. And frontrubs.

This sounds like, idk, i play football and he plays rugby - what are we gonna do?! I didnt know there were rules in sex. i thought you just got a little drunk, started kissing, and got into it. Has it changed while ive been away?

I think you may be onto something. He is about as much of a virgin as you can be. He hasn't so much as held hands with a woman he's attracted to.

The have never met.

While we haven't met in person, we aren't total strangers.

Usually one tries to find a middle ground. Here though I think you are saying that any domination is triggering for you. If it seems that you cannot change that, what are the chances of him changing what he wants?

Maybe you could see a professional, such as a sex therapist. I think they often see people in situations like yours - where it just doesn't mesh. Or if you don't want to involve him with that just yet/he doesn't want to go/you think he doesn't want to go, you can talk to one yourself. See if he/she has some ideas. It's always your choice whether you implement them.

Maybe he could make a list of things he'd like or is 'into' (he can write down: I'd like to be handcuffed and hog-tied with silk neckties, and you know: oh, I can do that. He can also just write down: I'd like to be restrained, and then you can decide whether to go for handcuffs or silk ties or just plain old hemp rope).

What little I've read about BDSM and stuff like that is that it's always a good idea to have a contract put in place.. the person submitting says: "I don't want that at all" "I don't think I want that either" "I only want x after y or only want x if z happens afterwards" (Just inventing something an example.. I only want you to order me to undress if you've also taken off part of your clothes, or: I only want you to order me to undress if you're going to get naked shortly after), and "I'd like x, y and z/I'm interested in x, y and z".
Then the dominating person writes his or her piece. If both agree, both sign.

I'll send you a PM with a link to a short story (only a few pages) I read about it once.

If I understand this situation from other threads, you both haven’t met correct?
Isn’t this “putting the cart before the horse” type situation?

No, it isnt. We have to figure this out now so that when we meet up irl we will be all set.

Okay, I’m just making sure I have this all correct. You haven’t met IRL yet? He want you to dominate but you are not into extreme domination, correct?

So here’s the thing. Sex feels VERY VERY different in real life than you can fantasize about. Something you think you might like, you might not. Or something you think you won’t like, you might.

With that in mind, what I would do is take things slow, and as they progress add in what you’re comfortable with. Just slowly at first. Then maybe add the handcuffs. Then go from there. He might feel that’s enough for him right now. Or you might be surprised and you might want to be more dominate when you’re put in the real position of doing so. The point is, you won’t know until you’re actually living it. So relax, sit back, and enjoy the ride. Take things as they come.

“You’ll be all set?” This sounds like an odd way to approach sex. All set for what?
How about basic companionship, how you interact in the same space, the feeling of having another human in your surroundings etc.
To me, IMHO, are you meeting just for sex or for the possibility of an actual relationship? I only ask bec you’ve stated that you can’t/won’t leave this person bec you think it’ll kill him. To me that sounds like a trap & this person has all the control. So basically that’s total power exchange.
If this is going to be an actual real life relationship sex is only a part of that.

This may sound old fashion, but why don’t you meet each other face to face in a 3D world before you hammer the intimate details in the bedroom. Like hold hands....kiss.
I hope you find that chemistry you want.