internalized homophobia

I'm not asexual. If anything, I'm aroused too often and/or too much. If anything, I've often felt like a younger inexperienced guy in a female body. I mean, for example, I worked with the circus recently when it came into town and you know how female circus performers wear tight skimpy clothing? I was distracted from my job because I was looking at her and often becoming painfully aroused. So I don't think that qualifies me as asexual...

If you want to argue that I'm just gay then maybe, but there are some things I could see myself doing with a guy...but most of them involve roleplaying as also being a guy so there's a limited amount of partners into that.

Also, I do not feel sexually satisfied with masturbation. Not at all. I only do it because I'll get so aroused that that's the only way I'll be able to concentrate on anything else sometimes. And I don't think I can orgasm with someone else BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER ORGASMED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I tried for years...wouldn't it have just happened by accident at some point? My body responses are weird and difficult to achieve results with another person. I tried changing my responses but it has been difficult. So I don't even know how to touch myself under most circumstances. So how would I know how to touch someone else? Their responses are going to be different than mine.

The more I get from you, the more I am inclined to recommend someone who deals with sexology as well as mental health. They would know best how to help you, as I am pretty much at a loss since my experiences differ greatly from yours and I have no point of reference to use.

Sorry I couldn't offer more

I don't know what you mean. A sex therapist? The only ones in the area are an hour away and they can't provide anything more than a regular therapist. And I wouldn't feel safe discussing sexual thoughts/desires with them either. I have never felt safe nor would I ever feel safe. It's just something I'll have to always live with. If only I could find someone safe enough to get some of my needs met...even to roleplay, I don't know so the obsessive bad thoughts can go away or at least lessen.