Sexual Clarity

Hello all,

First time poster here. I am looking for any thoughts and opinions on where I'm at in understanding my own sexuality. I have identified as straight for all of my life. I never really questioned it in anyway until college. Learning about the spectrum of sexuality, and its fluid nature at least I thought caused me to at least in a intellectually question if I was straight/gay/or Bi.

In the aftermath of my first long term relationship of about 3 years. I was stressed and upset being in a situation where I felt i was the care taker. I was with a woman who herself struggle with depression and perhaps some mania. She would lock herself in her apartment for days, superficially threaten suicide over finishing a term paper. I could go on but I wont.... I loved her very much and when I realized things were broken and she was moving back home I was upset at myself and her a bit.

Instead of processing things I remember getting pretty drunk and high and sending out random messages on craigslist to guys. I remember meeting with one older dude who was nice enough we got off but I was really thrilled afterwards. Another time in another stressful period of my life when school wasn't going so well I met up with an older man in his late 40's it was exciting but again mostly shame producing. I ended up even taking some money from him for rent which really bothered me. But i needed it at the time. I also met up with two trans women once which i found really fun and exciting. All of these experiences i let weigh on me. I've entered into many other heterosexual relationships. I've found joy in loving women, I am very attracted to them, and find I am really only focused on them sexually as of lately.

I suppose I still have not shaken that insecurity of sexuality. I have sought out therapy for the past couple years. I was able to process some of these experiences and feel okay about them. I have openly explored the idea of being Bi even trying it on. Although I feel an attraction to trans women these days I have trouble understanding that. I don't know if its a fetish or what I want. I find myself still insecure with my masculinity which i think relates to my issues with self esteem, and negative core beliefs. I do not find myself lusting after men in public, or in private. I have even tried to check out gay porn and it does nothing for me. Although porn that i have enjoyed include trans women, and female gay humiliation porn, where a woman meanly berates you about a secret desire to fellate men. The humiliation stuff has lost its luster as I have felt peace with just dating women.

Sorry I did not keep this short to boil it down I still feel frustrated that I am just insecure in general. I feel shame at the possibility I might not be true to myself,even though i feel certain I don't want men sexually. while I also hold the idea that I am mainly attracted to women. Any thoughts on working to feel fully secure in myself in general and sexually?

Hello winsten: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the steps to better self-esteem forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/steps...r-self-esteem/

I'm sorry I don't think there is much I would be able to offer with regard to figuring out your sexuality. Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some thoughts they can share. In the meantime, however, here are links to a selection of 8 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subjects of building self-esteem & self-confidence as well as navigating self-doubt plus 1 on how to stop shame in it's tracks:

The Difference Between Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, Self-Confidence and Self-Knowledge

6 Tips to Improve Your Self-Esteem

Tips for Building Self-Esteem

7 Tips to Raise Your Self-Esteem and Keep It There

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...th-resilience/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways...te-self-doubt/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...t-3-steps-out/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/hidde...in-its-tracks/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thank you Skeez I will certainly use these resources. Its a life long journey of healing right. My self-esteem is much better than it has been and there is much further to go. That's okay about the sexuality piece. I am not really certain what answers I am looking in regard to it. I feel a strong attraction to women, and really only have the desire to be with them. I just have confusion and shame about past moments of experimentation. I am trying to accept them as exploratory. I mostly feel secure about it. I think I also just have some internalized homophobia. With some intrusive thoughts. Thanks again!