shame/guilt associated with sex

Hey,
I have been reading some of the threads here and one of them is the thread about "how do you masturbate". My first reaction is that I must be ultra conservative because nobody seems ashamed of their sexuality. And the other part of me thinks that is awesome, and I wish I wasn't ashamed of my sexuality.

I'm a male, been at this mental illness game for a long time. I was brought up very strict and conservative, to the point where I almost can't imagine sex as a pure desire. And yet I know better, because deep down I believe it can be. The irony is that sex is about my favorite activity, and I love sex with a willing woman and masturbation also. Just writing these things makes me blush.

Sometimes I wonder if I was abused sexually as a youngster. I don't really know, I can't remember anything like that. Maybe it's just from growing up with such a strict value system.

Does anyone have any advice for me, why I might have so much shame associated with sexual activity?

It's probably because of the general attitude in the environment where you grew up. My parents' generation were totally ashamed of anything to do with sex and mostly pretended the subject didn't exist. We attended a conservative church that railed against pornography so much they seemed obsessed with the subject. And I went to a liberal high school where the sex education topics made me blush too.

Do you remember how embarassed everyone was during sex education lessons in elementary or middle school? That's the shame we learned from our parents and people who still retain the belief that talking openly about sex is taboo. And the funny things is that when my church had sermons on the sex/porn taboo, adults got the same flushed embarassed attitude as sixth graders in a sex education class and couldn't look each other in the eye.

And I think it's rubbish when writers and magazines say everyone masturbates. No one can prove such a 100% statement. Your feelings are actually on the spectrum of what counts as normal today. And even if you aren't religious, a lot of our social norms come from various religions. Even people I know in non-western countries have basically adopted Christian restrictions about sex, homosexuality, etc. Most of us (including my Buddhist relatives) live like Christians who don't attend church.

I tend to have a more clinical view of things because I think about life as biology. If some people like sex and some don't, it's fine with me so long as laws aren't being broken and no one is being forced or harmed. There is no right or wrong in a biological function.

The big issue is whether sex or a specific activity goes against your own moral or religious beliefs. That's when people struggle with conscience and some turn to undesirable behaviors to deal with their feelings of guilt or desires they feel are embarassing.

If the activities you engage in or wish to engage in violate your idea of right or wrong, maybe you could think about why you think it might be wrong and whether you have basis for that belief. For example, if you feel as if a God might be watching your and keeping score about all the times you had sex, try to think of why God would care if one person had sex or mastubated.

Forgive me if I'm rather blunt, but my opinion is that if you're not harming anyone it's nobody's business. I'm actually afraid to speak my mind around my more conservative friends, so I totally understand how you might feel embarasssed about the topic. You seem perfectly normal to me and if others express views that certain acts are shameful or dirty, just realize that people operate on different belief systems and accept that you don't need to convince others to agree with you on what's normal and you don't have to conform to their idea of what you should and shouldn't do in private.

I appreciate your feedback MrsA. I did grow up in one of the strictest churches around this area. Some people considered it a cult, although there were also normal people too simply seeking God out too. But yeah, I had to unlearn a lot of things about this church.

I have a strong desire to find out what pleases God and what doesn't. I know a lot about other areas of life, but this is one of those areas that everyone else says, "in the confines of a marriage" is the only sexual activity that pleases God. I don't know though. Masturbation is so natural that like you said, if you're not hurting anyone or breaking any laws, there should be nothing wrong with that. Thank God for grace to guide us, even when we've erred, right?

I do believe, for myself, that if I was hooked up with another woman, that I wouldn't be really too open about the sex life we had to other couples or especially to strangers. It's a beautiful thing between two people to be enjoyed to the max. But if you start bringing other people into it you introduce the possibility of emotional risk.

Pornography is something I used since college years. And it was something that I still use today, but I don't need very much of it. My mind fantasizes about women I know, and if I can't get off I'll use porn to finish. I probably do this 3-4 times a week. About 15 years ago I was going to a Christian therapist and he said I had a porn addiction. I don't know if he was right, but if I did then, I don't now. If anything it's just a sex/love need.

All this to say that guilt still reaches into my conscience and tells me I'm a reprobate sinner who is forever lost. But I still pray to God, searching for him, confessing all my doubts and fears to him. I'm not ashamed to talk about sex to God. I think he wants to hear about it all.

Ye, I agree that intimate details in a relationship should stay private. It doesn't seem like a porn addiction to use it a few times a week. My impression is that an addiction is something that drives you nearly 24/7 and interferes significantly with other parts of your life. I do think it's up to you to decide what's right or wrong and no one has the right to sham e you.