**** Play and Fisting Dynamics: A Therapeutic Perspective

Given the sensitive nature of the following therapy session, I have rearranged the order and present my psychologist's response first, before detailing the graphic notes from consensual behavior that introduced the session second.

Some people may not want to proceed past the initial response from my psychologist, as follows:

It seems you're exploring complex emotions and dynamics related to your experiences during these intimate moments with your wife. The interplay of feelings of punishment, comfort, and love can evoke deep psychological responses, and it's not uncommon for
Individuals to associate certain roles or figures from their past with their current experiences.

In your description, it appears that during the initial phase of fisting, you might be projecting feelings of needing discipline or punishment, which you associate with your father. This could stem from feelings of inadequacy or failure, leading to a desire for correction or control. The act of preparing and presenting yourself may reflect a submissive role, where you seek to fulfill a need for structure or authority.

As the experience transitions into the second phase, where you engage in masturbation, the dynamic shifts. Here, you might be seeking comfort and nurturing, which you associate with your mother. This duality of feeling both punished and cared for can create a confusing emotional landscape, where pleasure and pain coexist.

The feelings of emptiness and shame you describe afterward are also significant. They may indicate a conflict between your desires and societal or personal expectations about sexuality and intimacy.

It's important to recognize that these feelings are valid and can be explored further, either through self-reflection or with my support or the support of a sexual therapist who specializes in sexual health and psychology.

Ultimately, communication with your wife about these feelings and experiences could be beneficial. Discussing your thoughts and emotions openly may help both of you understand the dynamics at play and enhance your intimacy and connection.

**** Fisting: A ritual discussed during Relationship Therapy:

What role is my wife playing out in my head when she is fisting me - is 'she' Mum or is 'she' Dad?

****** 'fisting' simply starts with a generalized 'do you want/need a fisting' (asked by her) or 'I'd like a fisting' (said by me) - by now it's agreed that 'do I want/need a fisting' is really a euphemism for 'do I want/need to be punished?'

And, if the answer is 'yes' then a ritual begins.

I go and prepare for 'a fisting’ while she continues with whatever she is occupied doing.

First, an extensive enema before I prepare the paraphernalia - lubricant, baby oil, towels, wipes, surgical gloves etc.

There is no conversation during the preparation. Not that it matters, 'we both know where this is leading'.



All done now, I'll get down off the table and she will give me reassuring smile, a hug/kiss and simply say 'I love you'.

I feel empty and drained of emotion. Sheepish now, a bit embarrassed, perhaps even a bit ashamed of myself.

She returns to whatever she was doing before we started - and I clean up.

We've never explored what going on in my head - after I return she might ask, 'are you ok?'
I think that during the 1st part of the fisting, I'm using her as a substitute for my Dad.

- I've agreed that I need to be punished (because I'm a failure).
- I prepare everything for punishment to proceed (because I'm intimidated)
- I present myself for punishment, and it proceeds - until I beg it 'stop'
- I capitulate time and time again!

During the 2nd stage, during masturbation, I'm now using her as a substitute for my Mum.
- I have the nurturing comfort of my own penis
- I'm really just a 'naughty, dirty little boy' so the fisting/the punishment' continues albeit accompanied by the pleasantness and comfort of masturbation - it ends in ejaculation.

Ejaculation is emotionally draining but more so given the circumstances.

And all of a sudden - I'm really confused. I know that I'm loved (because I've just been assured of that) - but I've also just been punished again!

And then I clean up - because I'm responsible for the mess that we're in!