(trigger/horrible) I'm going to be honest with myself and you .

Currently, I'm having a rough time in my life. I don't like myself; I hate myself. I'm not sure what the root of the problem is, I struggle to make sense of my illness. Today, I feel totally crazy! Let's see if I can share what I'm talking about.

I have been dating someone since June let's call him cliff. We met when I was hanging out in a bar (went by myself; which I do often). He was w/a friend of his. We left the first place and I ended up talking with these two and left my car. After we left the second place, I was in no condition to drive so I went with them to the of the person I eventually started dating.

Once we got there, we drank more and the conversation was getting weird. While I don't think I'm a ***** (Hope I can use that word), I was getting the impression that these two thought I was by the things they were saying. I got made and walked out of the house not really knowing where I was going to go.

Cliff's friend, we'll call him Richard, ended up following me out of the house; by this time I was extremely drunk and I was crying. Richard was telling me lord knows what but I eventually came back inside, which I don't remember much after that point. The next morning I woke up with Richard. I felt horrible because I knew what I had done.

Cliff kept calling me after he knew what Richard and I had done. I had a one night stand. I did that because I was drunk, felt worthless and Richard told me what I wanted to hear and made me feel wanted.

Since that time in June, I have slept with an additional 4 people at least. I don't actually want to. . .but I guess it's my way of feeling wanted but not letting anyone close to me.

Cliff says he loves me. I just told him not too long ago that I had sex with someone else this past week.

Now I'm struggling for a point. I just can't determine what my issue is and why I do the things I do. I don't want to have sex with random people it just seems to happen. I guess I get caught up in the moment. These people have no clue as to who I am because I present myself so much differently than my life actually is.

I am a mess. My house is a mess and I'm really losing a grip. I find that I get angry and slam my head into things and hit myself in the head more frequently. Especially since my 'secrets' are getting ready to surface big time.

I think that if I were to truly be honest with someone about myself then no one would ever want to have a relationship with me. I don't let anyone have a relationship with me I guess.

I don't think that I'm a sex addict. I don't think about sex all the time. Cliff and I actually argue about sex. He wants it more than I do.

What the heck is my problem? Why can't I function like normal people. Grrr..... just venting. I just want to rid myself of all the guilt that plagues my life. I feel totally disgusting, less than human. Someone I would hate. .someone I would tell people not to associate with; how can I make things right again. How can I forgive myself?

I need help. . I need something. . . I'm on meds but it doesn't help. I'm overwhelmed and alone; alone because I isolate myself. There is not one person in the world who knows me truly. I lie and hide everything. I can't function like this anymore.

I'm ashamed. Even through this internet. . .I can't look anyone in the eye. I am not a good person.

Hi there,
I am so sorry that you're in such a dark place and feel so alone. I've been there and know that many others here have also been where you are now. It can get better, but it's gonna take work on your part.

When I read your post I did not think you were/are a sex addict. My first reaction was perhaps you drink too much and lose control over your behavior. Going to bars by yourself is never safe. Getting drunk and going home with a strange man is also never safe. Getting so drunk you end up having sex with one of those strange man is --- not safe.

Have you looked at your drinking patterns? Does drinking ever make you feel better for any length of time beyond the initial high?

If you are always looking in the rear-view mirror and not liking what you see, perhaps you need to make some decisions and start looking forward.

Do you have a competent therapist? Have you ever gone to an AA meeting? We have a great group of people in the substance abuse forum who provide substantial support to one another. I know Rayna would be a good contact.

I know you are suffering right now, but you are actually at an ideal place too. You can grab the reins of your life and say "whoa" I need to do something different from now on. Sometimes we need to get to a place of total suffering and devastation in order to motivate us to change.

I totally support you in your efforts to feel better about yourself. We are all here for ya! Take my hand and I will help you get out of that pit of despair.

Let me say something about despair. Despair is a rather strong character. He can lead you into things that keep him alive in your life. He will try to grab hold and not let go. Fight back! You can beat him!

Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing. You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are just in pain right now. Let us support you on your way back to good health!
Love,
Okie

I, of course, can't say what's wrong with you or why you're behaving the way you are. But what I can say is that you clearly have a self loathing problem and may be turning to sex to feel wanted, appreciated, etc. If this is the case, it's a vicious cycle. After the fact, you feel worse about yourself than you did before and even more desperate for affection.

I could be totally off base. Seeing a therapist would be the best way to get to the root of the problem.

Good luck and be safe.

Cyran0

It's a scary feeling, the feeling that YOU yourself is someone you would have warned YOU about, I used to feel that me as a person was the loneliest, the most rejected, the person I wouldnt have anything to do with if I was me.....but my life has turned around, for the better, slowly, piece by piece....I, too have one night stands and cheat on people, yet don't know whether to call it cheating as the guy I,m dating has never asked for it to be exclusive....I believe we are all sexual beings, God created us this way, and do not feel so guilty...guilt can destroy you if you let it......why not make a list of your good points, why not to hate yourself, the things you want to work on, and tackle them ONE AT A TIME....you express yourself well, I can tell you have a lot going for you and you'renot a bad person at all........write us more........

I've read through your replies several times and thank you for the comments.

Cryran0- the self-loathing really hit home for me. I have hated myself for many years. Many hours of my day are focused on all my bad traits, the pain I've caused others and my overwhelming shame. The ironic thing is that I truly can see what is wrong and know exactly what it takes to fix them but (hence the name) I'm 'frozen'.

Okie- I've thought about going to AA for the past three years. I have been to one meeting but was there for a friend. Over the years, I've become expert at hiding my 'life' though it is increasing difficult to do so. I consider myself a bing drinker. I end up going to a bar by myself because, generally, those I do consider friends aren't interested in going. Most times, I do run into people I've known for a long time. In going, I never think my intention is to meet any one or get drunk but the reverse happens. I get a lot of attention and some men are gifted at knowing exactly what to say.

Quickly, I do want to say that I'm reflecting on things and can't quite gather my thoughts. I've had another bad evening. 'Cliff' came over and wanted to talk about things. I got tired of 'talking' and just wanted to go to sleep and I ended up freaking out when he, after all that I had said, wanted sex. Long story short, I jumped out of his car at an intersection, walked a mile or more, spent $20 on a taxi and beat myself up physically. It just floors me that he can still look at me and want to be intimate.

At that, I think I will finally lay down and sleep.

I have a lot of anxiety of this post. Strangely, I'm scared someone who knows me in real life might actually see this. I'm sure the odds of this are incredibly slim.

Hopefully, I have my 'relationship' broken off with Cliff. He isn't someone I need in my life and has help to thrust me into a deeper depression. There has been some physical abuse, though minor IMO, I know it only gets worse.

I think, perhaps, I some of my actions were an attempt to find someone or start something else that would help me break away from him. He does scare me. He came knocking on my door at 1am last night; he said he just wanted to lay next to me but, of course, he kept trying to 'touch' me and I don't want that from anyone. The night before, he came over and wanted to force me to talk to him. But my answers I guess were not sufficient enough so he refused to take me home. At one point, I saw some police officers parked in a lot and I started to honk the horn; I just wanted out of the situation.

Still, the person who physically abused me the most was myself. I had hit myself in the head so many times that I finally gave myself a large knot just above my right eye. Now, thinking about that, I just get so pissed off at myself for continuing this 'relationship' after the first sign of physical abuse.

I haven't been to work in two days and I can seem to get myself back together.

Sorry for the rant. I feel so self-absorbed when I start to disclose the things happening in my life at the moment. On the one hand, it feel great to have the sense I'm getting this off my chest and the feeling that I'm not along because I have expressed somethings to others.

While I know, we all have our issues and struggles, I appreciate being able to get a morsel or two of understanding and knowing that there are people who will listen.

It's not about sex addiction, it's about reaching out for someone to love you. It's about being afraid of being alone.

Hun....I did the same thing. Only in my case, it's worse. I wasn't drunk, I was completely sober and coherent. I am MARRIED. I have a child. When I did this the first time, she was only 6 months old. I would call in sick to work, but still leave the house as if I was going to work. I'd go to online chat rooms and just meet guys and tell them to meet me at a motel for sex. No names, no phone numbers.

That was 2 years ago, and I've been doing it again just the past few weeks.

I don't know your entire story, but please - try to get some help. Call a therapist.

You mentioned some self-harm - are you a cutter? Or do you otherwise hurt yourself?

Check into Borderline Personality Disorder. See if the symptoms sound like you. The impulsive sex, drinking binges, self-loathing, and self-harm are big ones. And if it does sound like you, please call a professional. You can get help. You can stop this.

You are not a *****!

(((((((((((( Frozen_Heart ))))))))))))