[GirlieMama123]

Soo, I just joined and this is my first post and I DESPERATELY need some advice. I think that my Bf who is 9 yrs older than me, is a sex addict. The thing is, we really only have sex about 2 maybe 3 times a week, but every single time I use the computer, I notice that he has been looking at porn online. This has become a daily thing, and he is very secretive about it. Soo, to confirm that this is happening so often, I clear the browser history every day, and when i get home from work or wherever i check to see if it has happened again, and sure enough it has.

I have caught him masturbating on more than 2 occasions and it seems as if the minute I leave the house he is right on the computer! I am soo hurt and frustrtaed, I don't know what to do because I feel like there is something wrong with me. when I bring it up he denies that he does it that often when i know for a fact that he is lying.

I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if i didn't feel that he'd rather masturbate to online porn instead of being intimate with me. we just celebrated our 1 yr. anniversary and i think it's way too early for us to be having these problems.

PLEASE someone help me! am i being overjudgemental?

[pattyannee]

hi,
I really can't give advise but I can say your not alone. My husband of 14 years has done the same thing. I was angry at first. Felt betrayed! Then I set up the computer to track ever web page everyone went too. We each had our own profile so it was no mistake it was him. Then I took the evadence to him.
It did not help any really. He just got angry but he couldn't denie it. I'm not sure what to do now or if my steps were correct. I just don't let him touch me any more. Told him I feel durty because of the porn. Who is he thinking about while with me.
But we have other issues too. Far to many to go into here. I hope things get better for you both. Its a hard road to go down

[being]

seems that boys always do such things. he himself admits

[Brian37]

im a porn addict....and it can destroy relationships...you must confront this head on and not treat it like some "passing thing" or "all men do it"

I am doing online and phone counseling for my addiction

you might also think about the financial aspect too...not all online porn is free
I could have bought a nice sports car with the money Ive blown on my sexual addiction

sexual addiction is not about SEX...the core basis is feelings of lonliness and desperation based on past abuses/failures and relationships

if he continues to use pornography he will ultimately become "emotionally unattached" to you...I know because it happened to me and my wife

obviously the compulsion to use porn is directly connected to him not being able to be intimate with you ( and I dont mean just having sex)

my suspicion is something in his past has been locked away and he wont let it surface, and the pornography helps cope

I no longer can achieve orgasm with my wife due to years of "frying" my brain to images and videos...thru therapy I am learning to reconnect with my wife in a way I never thought possible

hope this helps

[Lenny]

Brian offers great advice...porn is a substitute,,an illusion,,unreal..it works with fantasy and does offer a form of control...

But it is primarily selfish when used alone and in secrecy.

I remember when Paul Newman was asked about his long term marriage and how it managed for over 50 years when so much temptation was about...

He said..

" Why go out for hamburger,,when I have steak at home?"

I'm sorry you feel like hamburger...

With care,

Lenny

[GirlieMama123]

Thank you for all the posts. I am trying to understand why this is. Could it be because his mother and stepfather are very CRITICAL and have an emotionally withdrawn relationship with each other? I am a very affectionate and loving person, while he is not. My family is the same way, and his family is not close at all. I think that it has to do with that. His childhood. When I ask him little questions about his past, he acts all nonchalant like he grew up in the Cleaver household when I think they are the portait of dysfunction. Is there anyway I can confront him about this without it ruining the relationship? Should I just ask him to go to counseling with me?

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by GirlieMama123

Should I just ask him to go to counseling with me?

Why not?

Honest communication is a cornerstone of long term healthy relationships.

Share how you feel. Ask him what he thinks. Suggest solutions.

We can only control ourselves but we can always offer the gift of honesty which can often be the spirit of change.

IMHO.

Lenny

[Slothrop]

Please don't be hurt because your husband wants to masturbate while looking at porn. That in itself does not have to set off alarm bells, and it's not a reflection on you.

However, it sounds like you want some of the passion that he is directing at the porn. And that is a problem!

His denial/lying is troubling. Do you think he is just embarrassed at being caught, or do you think there is something more he wants to hide?

Is he looking at anything illegal? Is he spending any money on it? Is he downloading it at work? Those would be problems too!

Whether this is plain selfish behavior, addiction, or something else--that's a complex question, one probably best left to a qualified professional. But don't be afraid to go to one, even if your husband won't go with you. You need support, and your husband isn't giving it. Good luck...I think I can say we are all pulling for you!