Male With Ultra Feminine Feelings

Hello,

Ever since puberty I have had intense feminine feelings that have occupied nearly every thought for close to 27 years. Yes I am male. I am married with 3 children. Wife very unsympathetic and cold to this issue. I have internet addictions and do not have a personal PC. I became aware of my feelings and attractions to feminine clothing at 12 or 13. I tried hard to be the cool jock like my older brothers, I played football and wrestling, though I secretly longed to wear a prom gown. I regularly snuck into mom's lingerie , pantyhose, dress, and heels right up until I left home at 22. I had a roomate so I kept my stash of stolen lingerie secret until 25. I lived by myself then, and I started putting together a small wardrobe. I began to shave my body in the winter months and paint my toe nails pink. I wore panties all the time and pantyhose and bra beneath during the winter. I always slept in silk or satin lingerie with breast forms, wig, and perfume. I gave into sweet surrender and finally began to accept and explore my feminine feelings that I had been so ashamed of for soo long, the feelings that I tried so hard to bury and hide. Finally, I emersed myself into my feminine personna as Renee; for a complete week per month due to my schedule. As I delved deeper I began to experiment with cosmetics, wig styles, and I began to wear a maxi-pad in my panties or yes, even a tampon with I kept in my leather handbag with my Virginia Slims and make-up. In 1997 I began to hook-up with men through a singles mag. Just oral, no penetration. I met my wife in 2000 and she was ok at first with my dressing. After becoming pregnant she wanted no more of it. I struggled hard with my compulsions. I turned to the internet and began frequenting site about sissy maids and sissy brides. I started to shop for bridesmaid gowns and weding dresses along with breastforms and wigs. Things went downhill in our relationship. Short story, no more internet. So I tried really hard to go butch for a while and raise our child, then another child came along. Still wrestle with the same old feelings. I became depressed, heart problems, and turned into a workaholic rather than spent time with a person who only loves 1/3 of me. I'm soo sick of acting like a guy, sick of dressing like a guy, and I HATE all this damn body hair!!! I feel like a gorilla innerbread with a caveman. IM soooo sick of acting like what everybody else expects me to be. It's not me... I'm a liar.

So what do you think? Am I a freak loser or what? I'm so ashamed of myself, I hat my life, I love my kids to death and don;t want to bvring shame of embarrassment to them.

You would be amazed to how accepting young people are these days... but only you can decide when to take the first step in letting the kids in on daddy's little secret (age of the kids will determine when).

Please know that you are not alone in this matter and that there are others feelings like you are today.

i don't think you're a freak or a loser. you have a lot of courage for posting about what you did, and i hope that you'll find support from others who have experience with this here.

Well I think you wife is a little out of order she accepts it when it suits her and then changes her mind after having a child ? Hmmm not on in my opionion, you was honest with her and she changed the deal half way through.

As for children heck mine have to cope with my mental illness and so do many others ! Parents in wheelchairs parents who are blind etc it makes no difference to them, yours is no different either its just a part of you and they will love you just the same.

IMHO.

I hope you've seen the movie, "Transamerica." That's an excellent, fictional look at changing genders.

It seems that you may be ready for the next big step. Consult with a doctor about beginning hormone treatment. You need to find out how far you want to take this.

Hullo Cindy Renee' ... obviously this is not going to "go away" for you, and you are unable, and/or unwilling to deny your inner feelings. The truth is that the whole scope of gender and sexuality is simply the result of two things. Genetics and enviornment. Most of the time, genetics puts a person together in an average fashion with what is called a "normal" set of characteristics. (a generalized pattern of most frequent outcome) Other times a person is put together in a slightly different combination. You fall into the later catagory and what needs to be discovered is whether this is genetic or enviornmental. If it is genetic, no amount of "corrective therapy" will make it go away ... (although it is possible, if you choose, to overwrite your desire by using refusual to subit to your condition each time it comes up; religious dogma is very useful achomplishing this: If you can decide to believe that your God rules this as wrong, and that belief, that will act as a stopping point where you simply refuse to "go there" ... one could also use a desire to keep your marriage intact in the same way ... each time you begin to feel that feminine side, you remind yourself that giving in will ruin your marriage. It will have the same effect as any religious doctrine. the thing that works here, is your decision to deny it a place in your life. You will pay a price though, unless you make it a "wrong thing" by your "principles" long enough for it to become a permanent part of your psyche.) But, no matter what you decide, you will have to think about how to cope with who you are; i.e. live in denial, live a life of duality (one hidden, one open), find ways to express yourself without changing your current lifestyle and marriage and etc.

There are some really important things to consider here. First, because the greater part of humanity has not accepted that this sort of life condition is perfectly natural, you will experience much discrimination if you decide to "come out" and take a stand by presenting yourself as you really are. You have to know that this gender contrast has the potential to cost you your job, your marriage, your children, your place in society. This is the hard reality. Yes there are many who accept non-heterosexual existence, but because this number is not "mainstream" you will need to adjust yourself to that fact.

Only you can know if what you are feeling is "gender dysphoria" (feeling betrayed by your physical gender state) or if it is a sexual issue, but it is wise to contact a professional to assist you with this. If it is purely a sexual issue, you will be very aroused by your "cross dressing", which is also often connected with exhibitionism (making a public display as a means of gratification).

If you are transgendered, you will have a strong desire to "become a female" and will not be able to avoid the constant reminder that your body does not feel and look "right" for who you believe you are. (this is a very short and general description of a very complex issue) ... again, it is best to consult professional who knows about such things before you do anything that cannot be reversed. Even so, if you really are a "trangendered" being, nothing anyone says will change that ...

Do not be upset with your wife. Remember, she is a subject of "standard values" and while she may have been OK with it a first, the situation has changed because this now will pertain to the children as well. American society does not well tolerate anything other than a male-female heterosexual based household, or at the minimum, a single heterosexual parent. Sorry, but that is the current bias ... no it is not the only way "life" exists, but remember, this is a society with certain beliefs that require the masses to comply. If they do not, or cannot, they will be ostracised, discriminated against and mistreated. Probably, your wife does not know how to cope with this anywhere but in the privacy of the bedroom ... you need to become educated about your condition, not just for your own well being, but so that you may be able to help your wife too.

Sexuality can be very complicated ... for instance: You have now had sexual interaction with both genders ... do you have a preference? Perhaps your nature is bi-sexual, in that you can become aroused and "enjoy" sex with either gender. This would not indicate gender because it is sexual in nature. If you continually imagine yourself in a sexual encounter as a female with your partner, then you probably "cross gendered" and you need to decide what to do about that, if anything.

It is also possible that you are a male cross dresser ... this is another facet of sexuality that does not provoke one with a desire to have corrective surgery, although crossdessers do sometimes get "beast implants" or take estrogen to induce breast development and alter their physical shape. Do you see that this is more complicate than you thought?

I will break off here ... as you can see, this cannot be dealt with by a quick and easy answer because the results of your decision can change your lfe. Please, if you can afford it, try to find a specialist in your area who is educated in gender and non-heterosexual issues. Society is getting more relaxed on this issue and there is help available ... make this effort before you do anything that could possibly ruin your life and you come to wish you had not done this haphazardly ...

FYI I am a 64 year old male to female, pre-op transsexual. I have lived "out" as my female self for over ten years now after years of "living a lie." I know what this can cost you ... I am qualified only by my own experience to assist, but (!) I am not a Doctor. My path has been very difficult and still is ... believe me when I say, consider this very carefully ... not because you are a losser, a freak, a reject or anything else ... what you are is real, but ... that does not change where you live. Humans are still far too caught up in old ideas and taboos and while I fully understand your state of life, you must recognize that despite all the claims humans make about self discovery, honor, growth, etc. there is always a price to be paid for anything outside of standard social/religious/national conformity. Government cannot legislate acceptance ... it is up to each individual to accept reality for what it is ... "All humans are equal members of the species." but, not all are willing to change ...

talk to me ...

love marie

You're no freak or loser. You're like many poeple who don't fit the preconceptions expected of us. Be kind to yourself and you'll find your way. Love, Maik

Well said. I feel the same.

all i can say to this is WOW....
it was like you jumped into my head and stole the last 5 years of my life....

i'm 26 ( just turned 26 feelings kinda old hehe)
back in 2006 i met "My soulmate"
it was one of those Whirlwind romances and she was fien with what i assumed at that point as a fetish.. and we would work thru it together.... i was finally happy to find someone who claimed they woudl support me dressing and also was slightly aroused by the thought.....
that was very short lived ... once that ring got on her finger ( engagement)
it ran something like this

" maybe tomorrow"
" Maybe next week"
"Hmm really not feeling like it "
" soon honey i promise"
i instantly thought it was cause she was scared to lose me
so being a nieve idiot i married her
then once that ring was on her finger came the killer
"NO! i forbid it, you have to repress and forget about it"
well as one can imagine i was furious but still scared.... we are now married i can't exactly go back now.. and i have to keep her happy...
so 3 years i wasted repressing my true self
over those 3 years she managed to scare my friends away and it was jsut her and me....
then she wanted an open relationship.. but she couldn't handle when i had a playmate... but she could go thru like 50 guys
so finally utterly tired of it.. i figured if she wanted a other OTHER half ( a Boyfrined) then my other OTHER half.. woudl be my feminine side.. fairs fair right ?

well naturally she didn't like that... then after abotu a week she accepted it.. but on ONE CONDITION...
she wanted to be Dominent... which is fine cause as a girl i'm submissive...
but alas... her acceptance came for about a week then she left me for a married guy with one child already.... ( home wrecker much ?)

so utterly sick to death of it....
i have finally been able to admit to myself and the world....

I AM TRANSGENDER AND **** IT... I WANT TO BE A GIRL!!!
but now im utterly lost at where to start...

sorry i knwo there isn't much help in my post.. but please i hope that you find some comfort in the fact that at least one other out there has been thru similar things to you

<3 ZP

*looks for the me-too emoticon*

Renee', you're neither a loser or a freak. Or we both are. Either way, pleasure to meet you! /hugs

39 biological male with feminine tendencies here, and ZydratePrincess, you're not old! My story begins in childhood, goes on hiatus, and returns about two years ago. I've been happily married for years now and my wife was also initially supportive, but isn't so thrilled now.

My depression stems not from our relationship, which is mostly wonderful, fun, fulfilling, and yes, sexy. I have no problems with my feelings for her. But at the same time, we both know I'm essentially transgender. Not full MtoF, but I definitely agree with your comment Renee' about the hair and gorilla thing. I'm a bit girly on the outside and if I could get a little more acceptance, I'd be a lot girly.

The depression is more along Marie's list of outcomes and challenges. I want to balance what I feel on the inside with the realities of living in a white collar world, raising three children, with lots of nearby in-laws. Who look at me funny for my long hair, styled nails and scented lotions but haven't gone so far as to confront me. If I had my way fashion-wise, it'd only be a matter of seconds before our expanded Facebook network was on fire with the gossip ^^

My goal in coming here is to find out if anyone else can speak to finding that balance. My dream isn't as ambitious as yours, Renee' and ZydratePrincess, but it's *my* dream. I want to continue sewing, to the point of being able to crossplay. I want to accessorize. I want to comment on fashion and decor without fear.

I also want to offer my support to anyone else, for anything else really. Most of my life I've been a bit of a counselor, listening to all sorts of issues from a variety of people and offering the best advice I can. I'm very interested in joining IMAlive, but I don't have the course fee or the time at the moment. Soon, I hope!

So, as I head to bed, I offer you all thanks for listening, and for the support given above. Awesome! Pleasant dreams and peaceful sleep!

I started at age 12 also, Listen this is a part of who you are, I tried stopping many times and always come back to dressing, my wife went to therapy and he said I would Never Change, it is part of who I am. Acceptance is a Big Key

Hi Cindy ,

You , like other have mentioned , are not a freak !

In fact you might be more normal than you think , you have issues , you work through them as best you can , you have some plan at some point.

U R not alone ! Post here , or start journal therapy on your own and don`t look at the first entry until about 6 mo. have gone by , evaluate how you fee , then and now.

Having GD is not an illness or a condition , it`s just you trying to be you the best it can with a male body in the way , plain and simple.

Some never have the courage to speak out , be proud that you have that courage.

If you decide to make a transition , the younger the better , both physically and emotionally.

You have to be yourself or you will never be whole , believe me . going through like torn up on the inside is no fun.

U---- Go Girl !!!!

KP 