Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

I was VERY sexually unappealing until I was about 21 years old (I just turned 24 in Jan.), at which point my skin cleared up, my facial structure matured, and I gained a 15 or 20 lbs. of lean mass – all of which happened in the space of about a month. Due to this, no one was interested in having a sexual relationship with me until I was 21 years old, so I did not develop sexually at the same time as my peers. Since then, I have had several sexual relationships, but all have ended very quickly after we started having sex because I am rather sexually awkward, I ejaculate WELL before my partner is able to have an orgasm, and I cannot satisfy her sexually. Additionally, due to the personal nature of my problem, it is not possible to disclose anything about it until I have been dating someone for a while, and I am already somewhat attached. This is a problem because I am very intelligent, ambitious, caring, funny, generous, charismatic (characteristics I developed out of necessity when I was ugly) and good-looking – so the women I date assume that I have always been sexually desirable, and are very surprised (that’s an understatement) when they find out that I have the sexual skill of a 17 year old boy, not a 24 year old man. The general pattern that all of my sexual relationships have followed is that I meet someone I like, we date for a little while, I tell her about my issue and she is extremely surprised but she says that it’s OK, we have sex a few times (3 or 4 at most), and then my partner apologizes, says she just wasn’t expecting me to be so sexually inexperienced when we started dating, and that she wants a more experienced, skilled lover. I think that it is important to note that I am only interested in a casual relationship, as my career path is not going to be accommodating to a long-term relationship for a few years yet, and, as I am sure you are aware, women are interested in a different set of attributes in a casual relationship than they are in a long-term relationship. I recognize that I have a greater chance of success in a long-term relationship than a casual relationship, but that just isn’t an option for a few years. I have tried everything possible by myself that my therapist and I could think of (start-stop, etc.), but it only works when I’m by myself, as soon as another person is involved it doesn’t help. I have been EXTREMELY unhappy for my entire adolescent and adult life because I have always desperately wanted to be a normal, sexual being and I’ve thus far I have completely and utterly failed to achieve that goal (the only of my major life goals at which I have ever failed), which came to a head this November when I was hospitalized for being suicidal. Despite mood stabilizers, I absolutely cannot wait much longer – much less wait for another few years until I am ready for a long-term relationship – to become regularly sexually active, because I just don’t have any desire to live anymore in my current situation. So my questions (finally) are as follows: What is the best way to gain sexual experience with another person when one does not have a willing partner? Also, what is your opinion on Surrogate Partner Therapy?

From what you have stated I would the say the only way you are going to achieve your goal of becoming experience in sex with out a steady sexual partner is to have many one night stands, and that in imo is not safe.

OR - you could try finding one of those "friends with benefits" if you dare?

I personally think you may be placing to much pressure on your self to be the man of romance and love based solely on your age.... as I know a few males that waited to engage in sex until they were around twenty years old and the are doing fine.

Some men have problems with this their entire life, doesn't matter how experienced they become. Other suggestions have been that you masterbate prior earlier in the day when you're going to have sex so that the urgency is not there. There are also creams out there to make you less sensitive. Use them with a condom however (also helps delay things) so it does not transfer to her and make her less sensitive. If you think a surrogate will help, what's the harm in using it?

It is much better in a long term relationship. I don't understand the whole casual sexual relationship thing, I've never heard of the sex being good in these situations.

Thank you very much for the replies. There are three things I would like to add to paint a more complete picture of myself and my situation.

1. I live life in the fast lane -- I have been a felon for the past five years (I grow high-quality, organic medicine for sick people, and although I recently moved to a state that has legal med-pot, I don't anticipate that my life will slow down any time soon).

2. None of the women I've dated have allowed me to perform oral sex on them, they have all said that it is too intimate and they wanted to wait for a while. Is that normal?

3. I am an EXTREMELY intense, driven person, and I am exceptional in every facet of my life at which I have chosen to be (music, athletics, academia, business, etc.) except this one. People in my profession cannot make very many mistakes, and I generally don't allow myself to make any mistakes at all, so I have a very hard time accepting my lack of sexual proficiency.

The main thing i would say is just to relax about the whole thing. Go with the flow, try not to overthink it. There are many things you can do to make a woman happy before you ever get to intercourse. There are sites online that you can look up that are pretty instructive. There are also techniques that you can read about online to teach yourself to last longer.

The women's response is normal. My husband and I were married quite a while before I became fully comfortable with him. Which is why I say that 1) casual sex just isn't worth the bother 2) it's much better in a long term relationship.

Now I do not claim to have expert personal experience in this field. I have more fingers than I have had sexual partners. Of those partners only one would I concider an excellent performer, but it took us more than four times to figure out what worked for us. FYI he got worse instead of better.

I do not understand the friends with benefits from the woman's point of view. It doesn't really seem worth the effort imo.

relax the more you push the less fun it will a be....only time can bring about the right person or place