[ftblldude7777]

My girlfriend has an ex who has done awful things to her. He is out of her life physically but still contacts her through messages online, emails, phone calls, and texts. She doesn't want to upset him in fear that he will harm her family back where she is from. I've tried talking with him and he says he loves her and will leave her alone if he gets the chance to talk with her one last time. He knows I am in her life and that I have been for over a year now, but he doesn't stop. She has dreams pretty much everynight except for an occasional night when she sleeps with me. These can hardly be classified as dreams though. They are reinactments of the time/s that he abused her physically. Every little detail is played out in her mind. She wakes up and is unable to breathe, just like when he was abusing her because he choked her. We fall asleep on the phone together (we are currently in different states due to college) and when I hear that she is having trouble breathing I try to wake her up and calm her down. When I am unable to wake her up, she passes out and when she wakes up her head hurts very very badly from passing out. Also whenever she tries to think about the abuse or a way to solve this problem she gets out of breath and lightheaded. I don't know what to do or where to turn for help. I am the only one who knows about this, and she does not want to see a therapist due to lack of trust with them. I'm the only one she has been able to tell everything to since the abuse has taken place (two years ago this August). Please...if anyone has any suggestions let me know. We can only take things one step at a time, so helping her get some good sleep that she hasn't had in almost 2 years would be a tremendous start. Thank you to anyone who responds and/or reads this.

[AShadow721]

Has she ever filed reports to the police about this abuse? If not she needs too. She doesn't need to be worried about hurting his feelings. He abused her and is now stalking her, he doesn't care about her feelings and hasn't respected her. He doesn't deserve respect. She needs to file a report about the abuse and stalking and get a protective order against him. With that he will not be allowed to contact her what-so-ever. She can also block him on social networking sites and maybe she can also call her phone company and have his number blocked from calling her. No matter what she needs a protective order! Then she can begin to work on her PTSD symptoms. She needs to see a therapist. Please try to talk her into it. If you can go visit her so you can be with her when she goes to her first session, it may help. Remind her she doesn't have to go into detail first. The therapy will at her pace, not the therapists. The therapist will care and not make her talk about anything she doesn't want to. This is very serious if she is hurting herself and having problems breathing from her PTSD. You need to try to get her to get help.

[ftblldude7777]

Originally Posted by AShadow721

Has she ever filed reports to the police about this abuse? If not she needs too. She doesn't need to be worried about hurting his feelings. He abused her and is now stalking her, he doesn't care about her feelings and hasn't respected her. He doesn't deserve respect. She needs to file a report about the abuse and stalking and get a protective order against him. With that he will not be allowed to contact her what-so-ever. She can also block him on social networking sites and maybe she can also call her phone company and have his number blocked from calling her. No matter what she needs a protective order! Then she can begin to work on her PTSD symptoms. She needs to see a therapist. Please try to talk her into it. If you can go visit her so you can be with her when she goes to her first session, it may help. Remind her she doesn't have to go into detail first. The therapy will at her pace, not the therapists. The therapist will care and not make her talk about anything she doesn't want to. This is very serious if she is hurting herself and having problems breathing from her PTSD. You need to try to get her to get help.

The thing with the police is that his dad is the local chief of police. This both semi-protects her ex and messes up chances for him to get what he deserves. He once had a restraining order against him, but it was dropped after the least amount of days manditory. She was a minor at the time and he beat her and ripped off her clothes and that is what his punishment was. After he got out of jail and the restraining order expired it was like nothing had changed at all. He definately hadn't learned his lesson. I try all the time to get her to go to therapy and I always offer to go with her to one, two, or even all of the sessions. All I want is for her to get some kind of help and to be able to sleep and carry on her life as it was before this horrible thing (him) entered her life... She has blocked him on all social networking sites and email accounts, but he continues to make new ones everyday. Sometimes 10 to 20 new accounts at a time. And with those accounts he sits and spams her inbox with hateful remarks and all kinds of email titles that trigger my girlfriend into a bad memory and makes it hard for her to breathe well. I hate this person...if you can call him that...so much and I can't do a thing about him. I am always here for her to talk with and to lean on, but there is only so much I can do. We've talked with RAINN and they told me the same thing you are telling me...which I know is the best option (see a therapist) but I don't know how to convince her to go see one. I refuse to force her to do something just like her ex did, that's not who I am. I want her to go on her own free will, because if she doesn't then it will not help very much and she may feel as if I have abused her trust. I don't know if any of what I just said makes any sense...I'm running on like 3 hours of sleep. Sorry if it's all jumbled. Thank you for responding and adding me as a friend. And thanks to anyone else who has read this.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((ftblldude7777))))

Thank you for posting. I am sorry to hear that your girlfriend has went through this. I can understand and I know what she is going through. I still dream about being choked and the air that I could not get and it is very scary. This was not from an ex but from childhood abuse. I know what it is like to pass out and your head hurting. And it is scary.

Please talk with her more about going to see a therapist. I know it is scary to think about going and trust is an issue for many that have gone through abuse. But just taking the chance will be a good thing. When you go to the therapist, she does not have to say anything she is not ready to say.

Just take it one minute at a time and first she needs to get to where she feels safe enough to talk. Therapy is at her pace and it is for her. The therapist is there to listen and not to judge her. The idea of you going with her at first is a really good idea. I know for me I took my friend for awhile until I was ready and felt safe enough to go on my own. Trust is something that takes time to build.

Even now, there are times when I will have my friend go with me for support and so that she can help me tell him things that I am not sure I can tell or cannot really remember but are important for him to know. I know you are from a different state because of school, and maybe this would not be possible for you to go with her.

Does she have anyone else at all that she would feel comfortable with? Just being willing to look at going is a start. She does not have to say anything she is not ready to say. It has taken me a long time to begin to open up in therapy and even now, after a year, I get scared at times. It is only normal for her to be afraid at first and it is smart to take your time in learning to trust again.

Does she take anything for sleep or anxiety? Maybe talking to her doctor would be a place to start. The fear she is feeling is very real and understandable. The idea of a protective order is also something to think about. I know that is scary too but it is a way for her to feel some sort of safety. Just talk to her about it and give her time to think about it.

You being there for her is important and I am glad she has you to trust. But remember to take care of yourself for if you get run down then you will not be able to be there for her. Time is what it takes and lots of understanding. Not being able to trust is really hard but I know that it is real and it is really hard to trust once your trust has been broken. But it is possible to start trusting again.

I do not know if what I said makes any sense. But know that we are here to listen and validate what you are feeling. Thank you for writing and trusting us to reach out. Please keep us posted on how she is doing. We care. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

[AShadow721]

Is there anyway your girlfriend could create a new account on her social networking sites, under a different name & keep it private, so that he cannot find her on there, also change her e-mail address, phone number, etc.? Stalking is serious. I went through it with two of my abusers (one of them was my father, and I did not get a restraining order on him, I let him back in my life, stupid of me to, but when I get him out of my life again, I may get a protective order for me and my son). The only way I was able to get the other guy to stop stalking me, was to tell him I had a restraining order against him (I have to go into the city to get a real one, I don't drive and there's no public transportation in the town I live in, anyway he's an illegal immigrant, so he has no idea how the law works in the United States, he doesn't know the difference.) I'll get a real one when I can. Anyway, I would hope that your girlfriend could get a protective order reissued. He's still stalking her, so the abuse is on going. That needs to be reported. You can e-mail the police in her state and report it yourself. Stalking is emotional and mental abuse. She feels scared and threatened. She still fears for her life. Stalking is very serious and it needs to stop. She'll never be able to deal with her PTSD and work through the abuse if it continues. He needs to be completely out of her life. If she can not get a protective order, could she possibly transfer schools and move to the state you are living in? That way, he won't know where she is and she may be able to feel safe.

[AShadow721]

I understand you do not want to make her feel forced into anything. Thank you for that! She obviously has a great boyfriend that cares and truly loves her. She still needs to go to therapy, so help her go when she's ready. darkpurplesecrets suggested a great idea, medication for anxiety. That could definitely help her if she still does not want to go to therapy. It might even ease her anxiety about going to therapy.