[wellok]

Hi--I'm new here and I'm going to start therapy in 3 days for what I think is ptsd or dissociative/panic, whatever.

Since 1995 I have had months-long periods of awakening from sleep with panic running thru my body. Once I woke, I was ok. I've had 3 sleep studies and was hospitalized (warehoused) for a week in 2001 for uncontrolled panic and dissociation. In the hospital I continued to have the wake episodes.

While leaving the hospital, I begged my primary doc to get me a CPAP--she said the sleep study results didn't show apnea, but REM-related panic where my brain didn't want to go into stages 3 or 4. I got one anyway for comfort, i guess. She also said I had hypnopompic hallucinations. Huh?

Anyway, in the next few years i was put on Provigil just to get thru the day--it worked pretty well, then the episodes started again, and I got hypnotherapy for sleep and it subsided for a few months.

Now my panic rages all day and every morning around 4-6 I wake up almost awake, but panicking, wobbly, and forgetting to breathe in--breathing out no problem--but for the next hour, I may experience some of these symptoms: shaking, muscle weakness, adrenaline rushes, retching, inability to use throat to swallow, drunklike, slow and faint heartrate in wrists--neck muscles spasming big time, heavy tingling legs.

I have a friend I call when this happens and she repeats over and over: not apnea, not seizure, it's ptsd, center yourself, breathe, etc.

If I settle down and go back to sleep, usually I'll get into REM & dream right away and startle again, this time really sluggish and unable to kick start my body again. Have to call her again cause I feel like I'm dying and she gets me going again--

Then my day is better after I take Nuvigil (used to be Provigil), a small dose in the AM, and then Wellbutrin small dose in the afternoon. That's the only way I can stay halfway awake. I am so frustrated, dissociated, and fearful of the way my body is coming out of these episodes. Everything is a trigger!

Please, please share your thoughts and experiences, suggestions--I can't go on like this--too panicked to sleep too fatigued to wake up.

[Nupoet64]

Wellok, I can relate COMEPLETELY!! In my experience, this was my body and brain coming to a "climax", if you will. Some repressed memory was trying to surface. I went to T last week and had a breakthrough, the anxiety immediately subsided and the memories started coming back in streams. I am now processing the memories. It was my body working kind of like a festering boil. It grows in pressure and if ignored only gets worse. But when you stop ignoring it and open it up, the ugliness inside can drain. Only then can it be cleaned and packed and healed. (I am a nurse, sorry for the analagy, but that is what it reminds me of).
I have recently had the boil lanced, now I clean and pack it daily and go to T like she requests (2x week) and I am sleeping better adn doing better.
I am also working on a book that was the scalple, if you will. Homecoming by John E Bradshaw. There are also videos on youtube, for his works and workshops.
You need someone trained in truama therapy...this does not get better with just treating only the anxiety or the depression. That is like putting a bandaid on a gaping surgicle wound...it doesn't work.
I have had PTSD most of my life, but was unaware of what it was I was dealing with until my first flashback 17 years ago.
There is help and hope, but we have to be able to look at the mess honestly and drop our "rose colored glasses " of a good childhood/life, etc.
I have recently remembered at least 4x my mother or father almsot killed me. Once was a physical attack as a toddler. Two times was neglect by my mother. One was a stupid mistake by a drunken parent. I had to drop my "fairy tail" picture of my mother ( formed to survive the horrible things my dad was doing to me) and see the real truth. I had to accept that it was ( as my T says) "That F***ING BAD!!"
Then I was able and ready to start remembering and seeing it as it really was.
But my body was screaming out violently before i opened up and allowed myself to know the real truth.
I am sorry for rambling, but this is what my body was doing and what helped me. I hope you find success with your T and are able to deal with whatever caused the PTSD. You can only hide it so long, then the body screams for the truth to be known!!
Much support adn safe gentle hugs of healing...
Also, it got so bad that I have not been able to work for almost 3 years. I am not anywhere near ready to return to work, but I did go out to eat with hubby and not have to leave in a crisis and panic attack....that is progress...
Welcome to PC, this is a good place with many people who can relate.

[wellok]

Thanks so much--I need more posts here to support me. I have had constant cascades of panic running thru my body all nite. I also have sleep paralysis and can't get out of REM sleep when all my muscles are slack. When I wake and try to get up, the panic star6ts, my face, neck and tongue are still slack, and I don't even know if I stopped breathing. I get disoriented and wander around my house without knowing what to do.

I have to take Nuvigil and they have me on Wellbutrin too. Right now adrenaline is surging thru my body and it won't stop!!

HELP What is wrong with me???! Caregiver coming in a half hour. help