I just awoke from a dream...

I just awoke from a dream. I'm writing about now. The reason that I'm writing this is has to do with acknowledging and honoring the feelings that arise in me whenever I dream this particular kind of dream.

I have an ex-wife. We married when we were very young and just out of high school. We were married for two years. One day I walked in on her with my younger brother. They were in bed together. Needless to say, that incident has impinged on my life in very profound ways.

Oh, I don't blame her for looking for excitement and happiness with someone else. No. I didn't make her happy. I was young and stupid and ignorant. I didn't think of her as my equal. I didn't value her individuality. Instead, I wanted to control her. I certainly tried to do so. At any rate, I could probably write a book about why that marriage was destined to fail, but I won't bore you with any such stories.

In the ensuing 36 years years since that monumental event, I've dreamt of her periodically. Those dreams always leave me feeling very melancholy. They remind me of the different person I was back then. They remind me of the love I felt for her and the loss of her love. They remind me of how much I want to see her and talk with her again. I want to tell her how incredibly sorry I am that I treated her badly and without regard to who she was. And I want to ask her if she can forgive me for my ignorance and for the pain I caused her. I want to tell her that I am no longer the man she knew, that that man doesn't exist within me any more.

But, I know in my heart that no such meeting will ever take place. And I know that she moved on with her life and made her own happiness just as I have. I know I'll continue to dream of her for the rest of my life. I know that for the rest of my life I'll mourn our life together that might-have-been.

I'm not looking for any advice or comments here. I just needed to openly acknowledge what was in my heart... and then let it go.