[siljie]

Last night I had a dream I found really upsetting. The dream was actually quite happy but what was sad about it was when I woke up and found it all to be.. well, just a dream. This is what I remember from it.

In the dream I was on this sandy beach next to a lighthouse. It was really cloudy and cool outside, but it was comforting. I had a really good friend that moved out of state in November, and in the dream he had come back. I remember hugging him and it was soo happy. We hung out on the beach together, and I remember sending a facebook status saying, "Hanging out with ____. He's BACK!!!! <3" And then a few minutes later, my best friend that I've been in a fight with for the past month and havent talked to directly since showed up, and I remember all the happiness fading and it turning into really awkward.

Some things happened inbetween here but I don't remember them.

But all I know was that I was standing by the water with my back faced away from him(I guess we got in another argument?) and then there were all these other kids from school quiet and watching. And I remember him(ex BFF) touching my arm a couple times and me not turning around. And then he whispered "Look... Im just so sorry..." And I stayed silent and coulnt look at him for a while. But when I did turn around and saw his face I just started bawling my eyes out and he just hugged me and held me and told me everything was going to be okay.

And it was like this weight was lifted off my shoulders. But then I woke up and realized it was all just a dream and that now I wasn't up to his league and that he hates me... Just a feeling I haven't been able to shake off since that dream. Hearing and seeing him at school today was really hard.

[mgran]

You know, maybe your dream is telling you something. You say that you're not in "his league", and yet he obviously dated you, which suggests that he thought you were in his league. Perhaps it's a wishfullfilment dream, or perhaps there's something more astute going on. I think you might have picked up subconsciously that he's sorry on some level, but you've also figured out that things can never quite be right (hence standing with your back to him.)

The dream is really painful... I know those dreams where your heart's desire is right there, and when you wake they're gone. There have been so many mornings when I've woken up, AGAIN, to the realisation that my husband is still dead. It hurts like hell when your reality doesn't match up to your imagination.

But remember, in your dream you are the one with your back to him. You know something, that you cannot yet quite express. What you had was beautiful in its season, but it can't last. It's unlikely that he hates you, so don't grieve yourself with that. Just know that you're beginning to move on. It's PAINFUL, I do know that. But it's also helpful, and at least you have a dreaming mind that talks to you, and helps you work through this stuff. Listen to your dreams, even when they're sad. You're heading towards greater joy, of that I am sure.

[siljie]

Thank you for that, really. It's given me a lot to think about, but a lot of it could be true. You're really good at analyzing.