I keep having horrible nightmares. (this may trigger)

I was part of a sex ring as a child and developed PTSD in my adulthood.

Like I had a dream last night I'm going through a stack of photos with someone and I come to a picture of my childhood bathtub and it's filthy, rust stains and dirt and grime. And there's blood in the bottom of the bathtub, trickling towards the drain. It looks like it hasn't been cleaned, ever. The person asks me "why is your bathtub so dirty". I tell her "I don't know, I guess it's just dirty compared to other people's bathtubs. My bathtub now is clean".

My bathtub growing up was always clean. My mom was a neat freak, so I don't really know what this was about other then the bathtub represented myself. Bathtubs represent nakedness. And a good bit of my abuse was held in bath tubs. I am not sexually active as an adult, so my bathtub is clean.

I had a nightmare awhile ago where I am on my abusers back porch and a bird lands at my feet and it's wing is broken. I pick the bird up and hold it close to my body and whisper to it, that it will be okay. I carry it inside and sit on the floor in the living room, my abuser is on the couch,and in a room full of people stands up to ask me what I'm holding. I tell him it's a baby bird who's wing is broken. He comes over to ask to see it. I don't want to give it to him, but I hand it over anyway. In one swift move he snaps the birds neck and cackles, as the bird lays lifeless in front of me.

I think the baby bird represented myself too.

[Free_at_last]

Wow, sister; you're a survivor.

I too was sexually abused, as a young adult.

It's no doubt you have PTSD. Have you ever sought professional help? A good psychologist could help you sort out all the confusing memories you have.

You seem to have figured out the symbols in your dreams, but it would be good to run them by a therapist.

On a personal note, I too once had disturbing dreams. I couldn't afford a doctor, so I smoked a few puffs of marijuana an hour or so before bed every night. I stopped dreaming for as long as I smoked. After getting therapy for that phase of my life, I cut back to just social smoking. I don't have those dreams anymore.

Best of luck to you. Be safe.

Terri

I do see a therapist, a specialized therapist, but it seems every time I get near the abuse in her office I end up getting sick to my stomach and wanting to puke.