[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I think I've asked this before, but that was aaaaages ago, so I'll just ask again:

Does anyone have a problem in which they actively force themselves to avoid sleep for as long as possible, almost to the the point of hypnophobia being plausible?

This has been an issue since I was a baby, and I'm 26 now, with more trouble than ever with it. Anything can kick it into action, but it's usually always related to my MH stuff. Regardless of reason, I force myself to stay awake and HATE sleep, so much that I've had really bad sleep deprivation before which caused me to hallucinate and develop all sorts of unpleasant paranoias... I had severe difficulty with going near water, and having a bath.. wow.. I felt like I was drowning or.. like.. it's embarrassing, albeit funny, but lets just say that I struggled with water submersion. The damage from that particular period in my life was for a good few years permanent and was incredibly difficult to shake. I still haven't fully recovered from it, TBH. I will often stay up for 24-30 (sometimes more) hours, and sleep, then do it again the next day, then sleep, sometimes hardly any sleep, then do it yet again, and so on... and this behavior is on and off for years... well... been like this since I was a kid, really.. as with a lot of my problems.

So yeh, just wanna know if I'm alone on this or not, and whether anyone has anything to add, OTHER THAN to go see a doctor and yadda yadda.. 'cause, I know you might mean well, but that doesn't help.. and I'm not looking for a doctor, I'm looking for moral support/understanding/opinions, etc. :P

Fanks for any replies!

[Travelinglady]

Well, I'm just wondering if you have any insight into why you don't want to sleep. Do you think something bad might happen? Do you feel like you might miss out on something?

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Yes and no. Yes, because my OCD and anxiety really kick up when everything is quiet and I'm left with my own thoughts. I'm the sort of person who has to keep mentally busy at all times, or my brain gets noisier and nosier, and eventually becomes unbearable; it can take anything from a few minutes to a few hours to get to that point. The no, I guess, would be because I've always had the hate of sleep. Sure it feels great to feel rested.. and a nice warm cozy bed is lush, but other than that, I hate it, and always have. Oh, and dreams can be an issue, too, and before you go into great detail about why they are the way they are, I'm absolutely aware about that, but it doesn't always change the affect it has when my dreams show me what they do (I understand why my can of Pepsi is empty, but this doesn't make it full) - rationality and logicality can only go so far, for me. Oh, and to answer your question, yes something bad will happen, and that's me being physically unable to sleep as a result of my mentality going haywire.. unless you think it's sensible to lie in bed teary, angry, frustrated, and wishing all sorts of horrible things about myself; because I don't fancy that. Another thing is, keeping myself busy has been one of the main reasons I stopped self-harming 4 or so years ago, and I don't fancy letting my brain get enough control, that I would enter that unpleasant domain once again.