bleeding palms

I had an anxiety attack and a nightmare during the night last night.

I've been really depressed and anxious lately but that's nothing new. As always I'm upset about my unrequited love J and the abandonment issues it brings up. Before I went to bed last night I went against my better judgment and sent him a text about how depressed I was.

I usually don't remember my dreams but this one was pretty vivid. A lot of the smaller details I've forgotten now, but this is the part that stood out in my mind. I was in some sort of group housing situation and J was living there too. In the dream he started courting a girl and I had to be there to witness it. I would make a big deal of being upset when I saw them together and that would make J exasperated. Then somehow suddenly I was bleeding from the palm of my hand and I showed it to J or he saw it and was worried about me.

Well I guess it's pretty self-explanatory. I want J to worry about me so that's why I try to get his attention by telling him I'm depressed. Up until now out of respect he's always avoided the subject of other girls with me, but recently some comments have slipped out when we're out and his guy friends are there too. So maybe that explains the girl in the dream. The bleeding palms are what intrigues me. I guess I have been reading the Borderline Personality forum here a lot lately and there are often posts about self harming. I've never done it myself but maybe I've just been reading about it so it was on my mind.

do you have any religious associations to bleeding palms, like the stigmata miracle in Catholicism?

nah I grew up Catholic but that was many years ago

Associations and symbols are powerful -- "many years ago" doesn't change that. If you grew up Catholic, there is a strong possibility that your unconscious mind associates bleeding palms with stigmata. It's not my place to say that for you. I'm just saying it's a possibility.

The bleeding is attention getting. You were showing "J" what was on your hands or what you have done. Blood is always attention getting, that's why the color red is used so much in advertiseing and used on product labels, boxes, and containers..

If you don't have a religious association to stigmata, that's fine, but I would be curious to know if you feel like you are being a martyr in some way--are you being sacrificed for someone else's gain. Also, when you sent him a text because you were depressed, what did you hope to get back from him? A caring response? what did you fear getting back from him? is he in another relationship in real-life?

this is just one association, but worth considering for a moment: maybe you feel like he's sacrificing your needs in order to try to make it work with another person (if in fact there is another person)

Oh yeah, the phrase "to have blood on your hands" indicating guilt or complicity. So some brainstorming thoughts: I wonder if the OP feels guilty about something, blames herself for something, or is getting blamed by J for something.

I generally blame myself for a lot of things in my life, probably too much. But I think the attention getting explanation makes a lot of sense. That's my subconscious reason for sending over the top text messages to J, to get attention and let him know I'm struggling.

If you are comfortable, only if you are comfortable, I'm interested in whether you are aware that you want a particular response from him. And are you getting the response you want? The dream might be saying something about these areas as well.

Mike

No, I'm not getting the response I want from him. He told me months ago that he wouldn't respond to any of those types of emails from me anymore. It's just when I break down and feel desperate to reach out to someone that I do it. I emailed him that time right before bed so it was I probably felt guilty and it came up in my dreams.

Some of my associations are probably way off. Thanks for indulging me.

So just on the simple idea of attention-getting. By thinking of the bloody palms as a way of trying to get his attention, does that help you make sense of what's happening in your life?

You mentioned early on, cutters. I know next to nothing about cutting and why they do it, but do you have a sense that they do it sometimes to get attention, a cry for help, etc.?

I realize I'm probing your life here, not just the dream, so feel free to say as little or much as you want.

Thanks,
Mike