[MikeDelta]

* this Dream May trigger others, it is very emotional, and contains dark content*




So I had a pretty significant dream at least in IMO last night and wanted to write it down and kinda get interpretations from others and share my own. Just a little background, I've decided to start working through a "process" to hopefully healing the huge wound left by my family. Reading the book "Will I ever Be Good Enough" has helped me organize some of my mind and realize what I need to do to get better. While the task seems extremely daunting and while its a struggle I have started to very very slowly let myself break down that wall. It is going to take a while, but I have to continue to try, face the pain, realize the truth, heal and move on. Facing the Pain is no simple task. With that being said here is a dream had last night, It was very meaninful but very sad to me.

I dreamed of being outside with a large group of people I knew from middle school. Which was a memorable experience from my life, we were in a small MS and everyone was friends with everyone. It was set where I work and we were just outside the dining facility, but it was a "psych ward". We were there donating stuff to the facility. It was strange a few people had hand guns on them. The Person in charge had gone inside. Even surrounded in the large group I felt very alone no one talked to me; everyone seemed blank or empty, I walked up to the person who was my best friend at the time in MS and took her .45. She seemed surprised but said nothing. It had no magazine so I walked to another person, One of the soccer stars of our MS who was also very nice and took a magazine he had which had one bullet, he also said nothing. No one tried to stop me as I walked away across a parking lot to a grassy break and sat under a tree. I looked down with the gun in one hand and the mag in another thinking deeply and proceeded to load it. In the mean time two people sat down near me next to another tree about 4 or 5 feet away. They seemed enthralled with each other talking excessively about who knows what, and completely ignoring me. They seemed to be two lovers madly in love. I fiddled around with the pistol and put it to my neck/head a few times before putting it down. I couldnt do it, I sighed deeply and the only thought that came to my mind was a bit humorous and sick, "Gee, I'd really hate to bother those two happy people talking to each other by getting my blood and brain matter all over them". I returned to the group surrounded once again (nearly suffocating) and no one had said anything. It was eerily quiet this entire time. I gave the pistol back to my friend, and the mag back to the soccer player friend. The soccer player piped up when he got his magazine back. He Exclaimed, "what on earth were you thinking!? did you even realize what you were doing?!" I shook my head and solemnly said, "yes I did" and walked away into the distance from the group.

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I dont remember my dreams very often but when I do they usually are of some significance to me and i try write them down, they make me think all day. This one was very sad for me, because it felt so real when it came to feelings... sad but also very deep for me.

It kind of made me remember something I was talking about the day before, about how in the medical profession a common term is, "No One Keeps anyone else alive..." You can only do your very best and hope. This statement is quite true though most people who dont know the profession scough it off as someone who is an idiot and doesnt know their job. (which happened to the person I told it to yesterday). All the feelings in my dream seem to connect to feelings I've been struggling with, I can only imagine the "two Lovers" were my parents... To engaged with each other or themselves, to be bothered and how I hated my existence at times I couldn't bring myself to hurt them.

Its amazing how a dream can strike a cord like that and its a bit difficult to take in (especially without crying!). I'll probably continue to think about this and talk to my therapist about it, though i'm a bit nervous about that. Any Other interpretations you'all can maybe pick from this that I am not getting?

[Samanthagreene]

It sounds like you're going through a lot right now and it just came out in your dream. Probably you can interpret the dream best because it seems to have deep, personal meaning. If you are actually considering suicide, I would definitely talk to someone or look at some resources in the depression thread. It also sounds like you're feeling very alone what with the crowd of people not talking to you and all. I hope that gets better soon and I'm sorry you're going through all this. If I can help at all, please tell me.

[MikeDelta]

I wont say I haven't thought of it and I have been dealing with a lot or at least trying it, it is difficult to not just ignore it... But the more I think about this dream the more it gives me hope even in sadness because my subconscious mind decided to get involved giving a clear message of: "no, I will not allow this to happen". Even with the sadness I am still moving forward. Thank you green.

[Thunder Bow]

This dream involves how you feel around your Parents, in the past and in the present. You feel your parents are ingnoring you and blowing your brains out is the only way to get their attention. But you gave up on that idea, early on.

This dream manly concerns you feeling ignored by your family, and you felt when you were growing up. You self worth was damaged. However you can grow out of this, as you are now doing. The problems your parents had, really have nothing to do with you personally any way.

[MikeDelta]

Wow, I really like how you explained it TB. Makes me feel... good (in the aspect those feelings were acknowledged or affirmed) if that makes any sense? Thank you, you guys