My father was seriously mentally ill, at a time when psychiatry hadn't made the progressions it has made nowadays. He was receiving no treatment at all, and was on no medication. His thinking was delusional, and his ways were rigid. He was a religious extremist. If the Bible says the husband is the head of the household, then by golly, that means he and only he makes any decisions around the house, and nobody else gets a say, including my mother. He was stern, harsh, and unreasonable in the rules he set.

In addition, he had what I call a Waltons complex. By this I mean he deliberately kept us poor by sabotaging his jobs, while forbidding my mother to work, thinking that poor families such as the Waltons on TV are closer to each other. He made us stand out from our classmates and neighborhood kids by not dressing in the same style, and not being allowed to stay up as late, go out and socialize as much, or watch the same TV shows.

After my mother had divorced him when I was 7 years old, and then remarried him when I was 12, I had not seen him since I was 15. That's when my mother packed us up and left him for good, after he (trigger warning), I'll put it in white so it won't be immediately visible. You can scroll over it with the mouse if you want to see what he did.) He beat the living daylights out of my brother, and then threatened to hunt us down and take our lives if Mom left him again. He even put it in writing. When Mom took his note to the family therapist, she took one look at the bold, sharp, heavy-pressure writing and said, "Get out. He means it."

He died in the late 1980's at the age of 47, alone in his trailer, from a massive heart attack. He had been at least a three-pack-a-day smoker. We were long gone by then, and didn't know for another 20 years that he was dead, when my brother was doing genealogical research and came upon his death certificate in the archives of that state.

But many times, including last night, I have dreamed of him as a loving, affectionate man with a smile on his face, providing what we needed and being supportive. In my dreams he is a wonderful dad.

Am I simply dreaming him the way I wish he was? Or even dreaming him the way HE wishes he was?

[happiedasiy]

Hugs to you Lovebird.
Probably both.
Have you dealt with your emotions in therapy?
You can read my thread daddy and me and if you want to talk I am here.
How do you feel after these dreams?
Happiedasiy

The dreams leave me feeling both happy and sad. Happy because it was a very pleasant dream, and sad that it wasn't that way with him in real life.

I do think he wanted to be a heroic dad, like John Walton from the TV show. That family was pulling together through hard times, and I believe in wanting us to be close like that, he artificially created the same circumstances, and then wondered why we didn't look up to him the way John-Boy and the others looked up to their father.

Why? Because John Walton was doing his best to give his children what he could. He wasn't deliberately depriving them. If you make your family poor on purpose, it isn't at all the same thing as being poor when you can't help it. No, there's nothing wrong with being poor--unless you don't HAVE to be. But my father couldn't grasp that.

[happiedasiy]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

The dreams leave me feeling both happy and sad. Happy because it was a very pleasant dream, and sad that it wasn't that way with him in real life.

I do think he wanted to be a heroic dad, like John Walton from the TV show. That family was pulling together through hard times, and I believe in wanting us to be close like that, he artificially created the same circumstances, and then wondered why we didn't look up to him the way John-Boy and the others looked up to their father.

Why? Because John Walton was doing his best to give his children what he could. He wasn't deliberately depriving them. If you make your family poor on purpose, it isn't at all the same thing as being poor when you can't help it. No, there's nothing wrong with being poor--unless you don't HAVE to be. But my father couldn't grasp that.

Good that you say the dreams were pleasant but sad because it was not that way in real life.
Love comes naturally. Loyalty and respect comes by the parents actions.
When it is demanded by preaching, controlling, and fear love becomes conditional.
Can you forgive your father now or do you still feel some resentment?
You seem to have come to some resolution by trying to understand your fathers way of thinking. Hugs for you tonight.
Happiedasiy

Originally Posted by happiedasiy

Good that you say the dreams were pleasant but sad because it was not that way in real life.
Love comes naturally. Loyalty and respect comes by the parents actions.
When it is demanded by preaching, controlling, and fear love becomes conditional.
Can you forgive your father now or do you still feel some resentment?
You seem to have come to some resolution by trying to understand your fathers way of thinking. Hugs for you tonight.
Happiedasiy

I do forgive him, because I know he had a mental illness. He wanted to be a good father, but he was deluded as to what that meant.

I will never forget that one time when I was 13 years old. All of a sudden in the middle of one of his tirades, he had a moment of clarity. He stopped the lecturing and pontificating, pulled me onto his lap, and held me there for quite a while. He whispered into my ear that he was sorry. Because of that one moment, I find it very easy to forgive him. If it hadn't happened, I think I would have had a much harder time forgiving him.

I suppose in my dreams, I'm wishing that he could have always been the dad he was at that point.

[Thunder Bow]

You are dreaming how YOU are towards yourself!

[MusicMike]

Everyone has multiple facets, and I think our dream selves are often more aware of that than our conscious selves. My guess is that you have a part of yourself, an inner father aspect, and your relationship with this part of you has been one of nurturing and support. I believe that dreams are trying to bring something to your attention that consciously you aren't fully aware of--it's possible that in your conscious attitude toward your father aspect, you still have a lot of reservations and negative associations. The dream is trying to bring to your attention all the positive aspects of your father aspect.