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I don't mean to sound selfish...which is why I'm taking this problem to the forums instead of talking to him about it. Last February, my bf started to have really bad sleep problems. Technically he's had sleeping problems his whole life, but this got so bad that he maybe had 5 hours of sleep in a whole week. I took him to the hospital, which in turn he was referred to a sleep clinic. He's done sleep studies, but in all of them, he barely slept...even while drugged up. They diagnosed him with moderate sleep apnea and he has just, as of yesterday, picked up his cpap machine for his 30 day trial. So, the whole sleep clinic process has now taken 7 months. After all this time, he's not sure he has the right sleep apnea for the cpap machine. He still finds himself gasping for air, so he thinks he may need the ipap machine, which breathes for you. He is totally refusing to ever have something breathe for him...
I don't think he realizes, and i seriously don't blame him, how much this has taken a toll on me and the people around him. I'm always the one who has to call and postpone things..."sorry we can't come, he didn't sleep last night, we'll have to do it tomorrow" then tomorrow comes..."sorry we can't make it, he didn't sleep again". He barely ever calls to break the bad news to people, its always me. He wakes me up all the time (which i dont mind, i want to help him whenever i can), then gets irritated with me because i can't do anything to help him. He thinks no one understands, and really, how could I? I don't know what its like not being able to sleep. All i can understand is how irritated I am, and how selfish i feel for being irritated. I was supposed to get xrays on my leg three days ago, but it keeps getting put off it because he hasn't slept all week and i want him to go with me. Its impossible to make plans with anyone anymore, so we just sit at home. Dont get me wrong, i am quite the home body, but we definitely don't do as many things as we used to because of this.
I just feel really tired today. I was excited that he received the cpap machine, and was really hopeful that it was going to work...now im not so sure. I can only imagine how depressed he feels, not being sure if this is going to work AND from not getting a lot of sleep. Ive been putting myself in his shoes for 7 months now, and its just all getting to me. I feel like I can't make any plans for anything. I feel like I can't include him in plans because if he doesn't sleep that day, i'm going to have to tell the people we can't make it. Im kind of sick of being the bearer or bad news...even though i know they know its coming from him, not me. And more than anything, i feel helpless. This person I love more than anything is struggling and there's not a damn thing i can do for him. But he takes it out on me sometimes, which is really hard to deal with and it makes it really hard to feel sympathy for him when i'm taking shot after shot...just for trying to be there.
It was foolish of me to think this machine was going to be the answer right off the bat. I think in a way we both set ourselves up for disappointment. I just dont think he realizes the toll its taking on the people that love him...but again, i don't blame him, you've gotta take care of yourself first right?? But if he refuses the ipap machine, simply because he doesn't like the thought of something breathing for him, then we're all going to have to let him know how much he needs to help himself...because he needs to sleep, or he will be this miserable person for his whole life...and i dont know how long i'll be able to stick around for that. I love to help him, but when he wakes me up and I can't help him, and all he does is get irritated with every idea i have, it makes me not want to help him. It makes me want to pretend not to hear him when he softly says my name to wake me up... but i can't do that. Even if i get backlash, i still have to try... he is the love of my life.
Today i am just hammered with all these thoughts and I had to get them out. As selfish as they make me feel, i had to get them out. It doesn't feel right to talk to him about it because he already feels bad for cancelling on people all the time. And he always feels bad for getting irritated with me. Its only day 1 of the 30 day trial with the cpap machine...who knows...maybe he'll still have success with it...but a big part of me isn't counting on it...
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Sep 20, 2013, 05:04 PM
Maybe knowing how you feel will give him the motivation to try the machine. It's got to be worth trying right? 
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.
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