[Bumblebuzz12]

I've always loved sleeping because I love to dream. To live in a world where no one could touch me and I couldn't worry about anything. So I started daydreaming more and more often and at first it was great to be able to escape this chaotic world we live in. Pretty soon things started to change. I began wishing, hoping, and praying that I could one day fall asleep and never wake up, but I wouldn't die. I would just sleep and dream so I could make my life to be whatever I wanted it to be. Then I started thinking about death and wondering if it would be anything like a dream, causing me to have thoughts about suicide. I am not satisfied with who I am or how my life is and suicide has crossed my mind more than once. In my daydreams I would recreate myself to look perfect, have the perfect name, clothes,have the perfect personality, and have the perfect relationships. This has caused me to be even more unsatisfied with not only me but the world. I expect more from the world and others and in the end I'm terribly disappointed only to find out that my expectations were unrealistic. Secretly I keep these expectations locked up and save them for another day because I'm unable to get rid of them. It has made it harder for me to forgive others. Every now and then I have a moment when I realize that my daydreams will never come true and I cry and cry because my daydreams have become my biggest dream it's what I want to accomplish most and it breaks my heart to know that I don't even have a chance. I've tried to stop daydreaming all together, but it's like I have to have to or I can't survive its part of everything I do. It's making my life worse and I need help and ideas. ( I'm not allowed to see a therapist, psychologist, etc. parents rules and I'm only in high school so I must obey.) I've never told my parents about this or anyone else. I'm open to all ideas, I'm all out

[nummy]

In some states even teenagers are permitted to see a psychologist without parental notification. Can you call your local mental health center or ask a high school counseler if that's the case where you are?

Now mind you, I'm no professional, but what you describe sounds a lot like ADHD mixed in with a little depression. It's fine to daydream but it can take a deifferent path when ruminating enters Into things.

Have you ever tried mindfulness training? It can be as easy as just looking around once an hour, taking note of smells, sights, and texture. Once when I ruminated too much, I went out and bought a nice perfume, just to sniff it once in a while. It helped.

Nobody's ever really perfectly happy with their world, but if you are wanting to not wake up, you might benefit from some counseling or even medication. I wish you the best! And hope life perks up a little for you.