Night terror

This was back in December 2014. I was 17 years old. I am female. I was in the pysch ward for cutting/suicidal thoughts.. Without making this long, I basically met a nurse who I became attached to as a mother figure. She just had that fatal mixture that I'm really attracted to in a older woman.. I really wish I wasn't this way. This attachment was particularly bad.

Every time she left at the end of her shift, it devastated me. It was like I had known her for years as my actual mother, and just walked out on me to never be seen again. I was reliving emotions I haven't felt for years. It was painful, to say the least. It got worse each time she would come back. I could barely enjoy the time I had with her, because I kept thinking about how it was going to end. She started talking to me a lot at first, then it became less and less. Until it seemed she was angry or annoyed with me.

I didn't say anything to anyone (the other doctors and nurses) about this because I barely understood at the time why I was so attached to her.. I felt shameful for doing so and the guilt was eating me alive. But my attachment was so strong, I sort of scared her away I think. Every night I would cry for hours after she left. One time I literally just went I my room to cry, even though she was staying for another hour, because I couldn't take the pain of being rejected anymore. I cried, for hours (it was literally 3 hours because I went to my room at 9pm) and at around midnight, when everyone was asleep, I went to the bathroom. I didn't end up taking a shower because I was crying. I was looking for ANY way to kill myself. There wasn't any. If someone would of left a shotgun, I would of killed myself. But it was a pysch ward. There wasn't one. All I had was shampoo and conditioner.. I ate it. I ended up vomiting. I was still crying.. And still emotionally dying inside. I felt abandoned and rejected. Looking back, I realize how stupid this seems... Considering at this point I only known her for 3 DAYS. But it was extremely real, and horrifying to me.

I finally went to sleep that night. I remember dreaming that I was with that nurse again. I was happy I think. But then she left. And I got that horrible feeling again. Of rejection/shame/devastation/abandonment... And I toke a gun.. And I watched myself commit suicide. I heard a scream.. And I woke up to sound of myself screaming. According to a nurse, I say upright and started screaming. I was clinching the bed sheets. The noise of my screaming woke me up.

That was pure hell

That's the worst dream I ever had. I don't know why I posted this I just needed to get it out there I guess. Maybe someone will find it interesting or relate.

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The Nurse is your older self that you are attracted to. No need to feel guilty about that. Many people in real life marry older people, that are much older than them.

In you dream the dream was about your older self. You felt you were abandoning yourself. Combined with feelings of shame and rejection. Time to take better care of yourself with out feeling guilty about it.