[Miss Sensitive]

Hi,

I am new to the Forum.

I have increasingly felt like I want to stop talking.

As a bit of background, I was the 'sensitive' child ( apparently) in a family of very assertive and talkative people. I can say now that they are quite domineering: though I am an adult, they still enjoy and feel entitled to offer their opinion about everything including my life choices, even though I have children of my own now!

As a child, I had a stammer which was quite severe at certain times and in certain situations. I had speech therapy, but it didn't resolve the problem. I think I was reacting maybe to my childhood family situation, which was difficult.

Thankfully, I always had good friends. I also achieved ok academically, and I worked in jobs which I enjoyed and which involved helping and working closely with vulnerable people. I think my empathy kind of made up for my shyness and helped break barriers and I built good relationships with people. It was like I hadn't had a voice in my family, but at work I was valued.

I had a particularly nasty romantic relationship, and when I went abroad to escape it, I fell hook line and sinker for a charmer who became my husband. He was abusive in every way, but like many abusers, abused me so cleverly that I didn't realise I was being abused until many years into the marriage. I see now that he ride to keep me lacking in confidence, sabotaging my development. He was a loud person and had a booming voice, loved to be centre of attention. He wouldn't discuss things if we had any difference in views- he would punish me if I tried to. He used to tell me that he wishes I was non-verbal. In my marriage, my stammer returned to the severity that it had been when I was a child.

Long story short, I divorced him after becoming so unwell with his treatment of me. I was so relieved to be able to tell people what I had been though. I talked and talked. It was like releasing everything. I was free to talk- no more secrecy.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and have been fighting that. But something that has developed is my hatred of talking. It's not about stammering - my stammer is virtually gone now that he has: it's about a whole hatred of talking- of talking myself or hearing other voices. I wish I could go and live on a silent community where I never had to talk ever again or listen to other voices. The feeling is getting stronger.

I don't know if social anxiety lies at the root of this: I don't see myself as shy nowadays. But maybe the PTSD is a cause? Also, my ex tuned out to be such a liar, telling dreadful lies about me in court and I have realised how he may be chatty and outgoing, but every word he says is manipulative. He uses people. So now I feel repelled by loud people, people who are witty and talkative - I had being around them and listening. They just remind me of my ex, trigger me and seem fake to me.

I am really worried that I will end up a total recluse. I have two children and put on such a fake act in front of them, sheltering them from the truth of my current issues.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Miss Sensitive: Thanks for sharing your concerns. I'm afraid I can't really be of much help with it. I also talk as little as possible & prefer to avoid conversation (much to my wife's consternation.) And in addition I'm pretty reclusive as well. However, since I'm an older person, it's not a problem for me. It's just the way I am.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!