Quiet

All the time at work I’m mostly quiet, but do visit with others well one on one. Just bothers me when others say “you’re so quiet” and it feels like they are saying “yore such a freak”

My job includes sitting and typing all day and take walking no break twice per day and break for lunch. Have social anxiety at least mild to moderate or more and have just plain anxiety too.

Yes... I used to get a lot of that "you're so quiet" too when I was still quite young (late teens & early 20's.) I grew out of it later on. Now that I've gotten older I've returned to it. Personally I don't see anything wrong with being quiet, as my Signature Statement (below) suggests.

I've gotten this my whole life, still to this day. 'omg you're so quiet' 'why you so quiet?' 'you never speak, why don't you ever speak?'
Like I know i'm quiet, you don't have to tell me
Over the years, the more of these comments I got, the more quiet and introverted I became. Its like whenever I did speak, people were like 'wooooah, omg you spoke'. So annoying tbh.

I wouldn’t let it bother you. They’re probably just genuinely curious about why. They should know there’s not always a black and white answer to such an open ended question.

Would you feel comfortable with a prepared answer?

Something like...

"I get so engrossed in what I am doing I forget to speak"? That sort of thing.

This and "come on, don't be so nervous, there's nothing to be nervous about, just relax" when I try my best to not run and pretend I'm very nice and sociable (Even though that means just standing and anxiously smiling) -THIS IS PURE HORROR. I won't become chill just because somebody has told me to relax. I won't start chit-chatting just because somebody has asked why am I so quiet/shy,etc. Remarks like these do not anything but make me feel worse and inferior as my "secret" has been revealed. I must admit most of the time I'm not ok with myself being this quiet and I wish nobody would notice that. I know it's stupid and you must accept yourself as you are but it's not easy. I am trying to accept myself but it's difficult to change one's thinking patterns, especially if they are almost as old as you!

Dont feel to bad i have been told all my life that im to loud. Like im supose to turn my volume control down before i ever speak. Thats like asking a person to raise his hand before he takes a breath. I dont know why my voice comes out so loud. I dont try to be loud it just comes out that volume. But when im told to please lower my voice i want to scream just to let them know now that is me being loud. Sometimes i think maybe i just should stop talking altogether because i certainly dont want to offend anyone. But then i wonder is it that im really to loud or is it that person just being rude?

I am a very quiet person to strangers and people I don’t know well. And when I was working too I barely talked and just did what I was supposed to. Also to family members I don’t see that well. Even with close family members I don’t talk well with and I am just polite too. I can’t go into doctors appointments by myself. I probably have selective mutism. My vocal chords freeze up when people talk to me and I just refuse to talk to people. The funny thing is that is not who I am at all. in private I am actually a complete *****. Maybe I’m just super fake. I don’t know.

Yes can relate and I’m ok one on one, but still get nervous. In a group setting of more than 3 or 4 people, forget it, I clam up and can barely speak a word. It depends though and if it’s 3 or 4 people I know really well, I might feel more comfortable and be fairly conversational.

For those who clam up in larger groups I am wondering do they find a lot of conversations going on at once confusing?

I have been told I am too quiet all my life. I hate it. The problem is that other people fill in the blanks for and about you. It’s reassuring that there’s people like me who are just being themselves.

In large groups it feels overwhelming and intimidating to speak up. It takes courage at a large table of people talking, to speak up and if in a classroom setting it’s a little better.

Yes overwhelming is a good word to describe it.

I also find a lot of conversations confusing. I am tuned in to listen and I feel like I am split between too many streams of conversation.

Yes can relate since when at a dinner party of more than 10 people it can be distracting with more than one or two conversations going on at one time. But now there are not large gatherings that I want to attend because of Covid.

When I worked it was horrible having to take breaks and sit in break room. The only thing people did say to me was your so quiet. I have always been like this and never did outgrow it. It always bothered me then I get really anxious when someone would direct a conversation to me my face would get red and I'd start sweating. I really like these forums because I always thought I was the only one going thru this. This is first time I can actually say I feel normal so glad I found this site!!!

Being quiet is my nature and I’m also anxious to talk to others which doesn’t help. It would be helpful if I could wear an earpiece and someone could be giving me tips on what to say and how to say it, but then I’d likely come across as awkward since it would seem I’d look awkward. Maybe acting classes would help and I could fake my way through everything in life. Is that what it takes, I need to be a phony and a fake.

Sorry just venting, have always had pressure on me to be this and do that, and it is stressful sometimes.

"Can't speak cause she's a freak" was something I heard all the time from kids in grade school because I was mute. I graduated from that school in 2006, but I still hear those words in my mind frequently, especially in the instances where I freeze up and Selective Mutism takes over. The nicer kids would simply ask me why I don't talk, but of course I couldn't answer.

From adults I always heard the standard "You're quiet" or the sarcastic "Don't talk so much next time"

I remember one time as a little girl at the library, when my dad came to pick me up the librarian said to him "She's shy...but a good kid" as if being shy is a negative trait. It stung too, because I had started to trust this woman enough to talk to her a little. When she said that though, my trust was shattered and I couldn't talk to her anymore because I felt judged.

Whenever I'm told that I'm quiet, I want to say so badly "Yes. Please follow my example."

From what I've seen, when very shy people do manage to talk, what we say actually matters and it's genuine, unlike many other people who don't seem to have a single unexpressed thought.

Ouch. Yes I can imagine how hurtful that was with the librarian. Judged. Yes.

I like what you say about "Please follow my example" . I think in some cultures being quiet is valued more highly than others. It's tough if you live in a culture that values extroversion above other traits.

Please don't apologise for venting, that is natural, healthy.

I have heard of using acting classes to learn how to present yourself but have no personal experience. I can see if a person had a job where they needed to present and talk then that may useful. For every day life I am not so sure.

It depends whether you feel you aren't able to function as you would like to I suppose. I'm not sure acting lessons would mean you were fake. Maybe just better able to present. I agree it wouldn't be good to be fake.

I know this is an old thread, but just wanted to say I've gotten this my entire life, and I'm in my forties now. It never stops. If you're quiet and keep to yourself, people think you're a weirdo or socially inept. Many extroverts are completely oblivious to how obnoxious and self-centered they actually can be.

I wonder though I can perceive someone else as being aloof or unfriendly. I mean that awkward feeling you get when you are at work or walking in the store or wherever and say “hi” and the person just looks at you. What come on I’m shy and quiet often, but I’m friendly since I always smile and say hi to most everyone. I do well often if the other person is chatty and talks effortlessly and this puts me at ease. When the other person is quiet and stoic too, it can often feel just awkward. As a kid we lived next door to a husband and wife who were very much opposites. The wife could talk on and on endlessly, and the husband was quiet and stoic. Maybe they were a good match, but it did seem, the wife talked a little too much when my sister babysat for her and was stuck listening to the wife talk on and on. Oh to talk and talk, yet often say so little. Then to speak a little, but say so much.

I can relate to this and have been called a weirdo just because I’m quiet.