[garden]

Sometimes I get so tired of trying, to hold on to goodness, make and keep friends, relate to people I have contact with daily and I usually wind up doing everything alone. I am a loner, but I can't figure out why I'm the ugly person left out. I try new things, go new places, but I'm usually alone. Most time I'm OK with it but as I get older I've noticed my attachments are to my garden, enjoying my Saturday morning NPR shows or watching home improvement shows. I'd like to learn how to connect with positive results. It's almost as if I am as invisible as I believe myself to be when I was very young.

[Perna]

I think it is hard unless one is naturally gregarious or a bit "shallow" and not inclined to think very deeply about whether one is alone or not to find a good balance between company versus aloneness and feeling lonely, etc.

The hardest part for me is striking a balance between my liking pursuits I do alone; reading, writing, study, computer work, etc. and wanting to be with people sometimes. The biggest thing I forget is. . . the other people don't know unless we tell them.

My stepmother use to keep telling me that people weren't going to come beat down my door (and I'd just scowl at her :-) but I didn't "get it" until quite recently. If you want to be with someone you have to let the other person know by asking them and striking up the relationship and seeing if it suits you.

A corollary to that is that it takes time; just asking someone once or doing something with someone once does not a friendship automatically make.

I think women of my age are at a disadvantage because we were taught to wait for the guy to ask us for a date so we got in the habit of working on our waiting skills and trying to "attract" another to want us instead of the other way; looking around for what we think we might want and trying for it.

Have you thought of joining the local garden club or, like I did, joining the Friends of the Library and helping with book sale prep or something? Just being around people in a social situation where everyone is not already divided up can help. I've taken continuing education classes too at my local community college and started conversations with fellow students and asked if they wanted to get food/drink after class too.

Right now I'm taking sewing in a store from a free-lance seamstress who I pay and we both meet at the store (and presumably I buy material and things from the store so my little lesson cost and being at the store help both teacher and store). I go once a week and there are several other women, "teachers" and students who come in regularly and who I have gotten to know. It's wonderful and I've been doing it for more than a year now. Sometimes I make sure I am there working over the lunch hour and we all order from the sandwich shop and eat together.

Find an interest of yours and a way to meet others with that interest and keep at it. At first it was scary meeting all these women AND working on my sewing (which my stepmother originally taught me very harshly so I was trying to get over my negative feelings about sewing) and working one-on-one with the teacher, etc. but I stuck to it and now I'm comfortable enough to go to the store even when I am not "scheduled" to and everyone seems to enjoy when I come in and it's a lot of fun. I did the same thing last place I lived with my friends of the library work and made several friends to do other things with at that time.

[garden]

You know I actually went to a computer class tonight for just that reason - to expose myself and have a setting where I could have the companionship. You are right, it is slow going but I want to stick with it and not do what I do normally.

Originally Posted by Perna

I think it is hard unless one is naturally gregarious or a bit "shallow" and not inclined to think very deeply about whether one is alone or not to find a good balance between company versus aloneness and feeling lonely, etc.

The hardest part for me is striking a balance between my liking pursuits I do alone; reading, writing, study, computer work, etc. and wanting to be with people sometimes. The biggest thing I forget is. . . the other people don't know unless we tell them.

My stepmother use to keep telling me that people weren't going to come beat down my door (and I'd just scowl at her :-) but I didn't "get it" until quite recently. If you want to be with someone you have to let the other person know by asking them and striking up the relationship and seeing if it suits you.

A corollary to that is that it takes time; just asking someone once or doing something with someone once does not a friendship automatically make.

I think women of my age are at a disadvantage because we were taught to wait for the guy to ask us for a date so we got in the habit of working on our waiting skills and trying to "attract" another to want us instead of the other way; looking around for what we think we might want and trying for it.

Have you thought of joining the local garden club or, like I did, joining the Friends of the Library and helping with book sale prep or something? Just being around people in a social situation where everyone is not already divided up can help. I've taken continuing education classes too at my local community college and started conversations with fellow students and asked if they wanted to get food/drink after class too.

Right now I'm taking sewing in a store from a free-lance seamstress who I pay and we both meet at the store (and presumably I buy material and things from the store so my little lesson cost and being at the store help both teacher and store). I go once a week and there are several other women, "teachers" and students who come in regularly and who I have gotten to know. It's wonderful and I've been doing it for more than a year now. Sometimes I make sure I am there working over the lunch hour and we all order from the sandwich shop and eat together.

Find an interest of yours and a way to meet others with that interest and keep at it. At first it was scary meeting all these women AND working on my sewing (which my stepmother originally taught me very harshly so I was trying to get over my negative feelings about sewing) and working one-on-one with the teacher, etc. but I stuck to it and now I'm comfortable enough to go to the store even when I am not "scheduled" to and everyone seems to enjoy when I come in and it's a lot of fun. I did the same thing last place I lived with my friends of the library work and made several friends to do other things with at that time.

Good for you, garden. Good luck.

[garden]

Thank you. It means so much to me to be productive and to find my happiness. I've always known I was creative but creativity is not looked well upon in the corporate world. So my hobbies are those that are enjoyed alone. My next step I hoping to volunteer, some to interact with folk who are real.

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Good for you, garden. Good luck.