[LadyWindmere]

I know that I suffer from low self-esteem myself, but this post isn't about me...well, not just me...but me and my girlfriend together.

The both of us struggle with body image, both being heavier women. My girlfriend's most recent ex cited that one of the reasons they broke up was because she had gained weight, which seems to have stuck in her mind and effects how she feels about our relationship. She feels that I'm wonderful, and gorgeous, and all these things that I don't see about myself, but I just take them as signs that she loves me that much that she sees past all of my flaws and loves me for me. However whenever I tell her how wonderful and beautiful I think she is, she tells me I'm wrong and gets defensive about it. It makes me feel bad about trying to compliment her or tell her how I feel, almost like it hurts her. Her mother was very cruel to her as a child, calling her ugly and stupid. She has proven to herself that she is not stupid, having attended several prestigious universities, but her body image and self esteem seem to be shattered beyond repair.

We're at the tail end of a long distance relationship. I'm set to move out there in a few months. In the past, she has tried to break up with me because she couldn't bear the thought of me seeing her in person after so long, being disgusted, and turning away. I would never, EVER do such a thing. I could care less if she weights 90 pounds or 900, I love her for who she is, not what she looks like. If I tell her this, however, she says that she "doesn't want me to love her to spite her looks." I just don't know what to say anymore to make her believe that I love her and only want to be with her, no matter what.

Last night she told me that she had been having a few dark thoughts over the past couple of weeks. She's been having issues with her friends not being there for her and basically seeming like they're using her for favors and little more. It all came to a head last night when her closest friend came to town and seemed to only be using her for a place to spend the night. I really thought she was going to take her life.

I'm not going to lie...part of me is hurt that I'm not enough to make her happy. But I know that's childish, and that no one person can be enough to bring total happiness to someone's life. I mostly just want her safe, and happy, and to not lose her to such low self esteem that she loses the will to live...

[Perna]

No one will change how they view themselves and others if they don't want to, don't make the effort to do so. I think you see that the problem isn't your friend's weight but her attitude and how she views herself and others. I don't know that you can help her any better than you are trying to. I would urge her to get professional help but it doesn't sound like she is interested.

As you have already said, she changed her thinking about being smart/stupid but that she hasn't either changed her weight or her attitude about her looks/weight says, to me, that she could use the professional help, if she will seek it out.

[LadyWindmere]

I agree that she could probably use some help, but unfortunately there's a sort of stigma with medical students seeking therapy...it's really crummy, but evidently it can be held against them in a pretty big way so she's understandably apprehensive.

And people wonder why doctors tend to make the worst patients...

Originally Posted by Perna

No one will change how they view themselves and others if they don't want to, don't make the effort to do so. I think you see that the problem isn't your friend's weight but her attitude and how she views herself and others.

[Perna]

There's all sorts of help from books to classes to informal discussions with people we know and trust. It sounds to me like she has very low self-esteem; were I thinking/feeling the way she does (that people are just using her, that other people are lying to her) I would want better self esteem so I didn't think/believe that way or so that I didn't need to be around those sorts of people, could say "no" or not allow their just using me. Were I you :-) the next time I told her she looked nice, etc. and she denied that I would want to know why she's calling me a liar. You are in charge of how you feel and what you see, not her. If she denies your experience, your point of view, you have to stand up for yourself. You are letting her get away with her perception being "right" for you! She doesn't have to get help for herself if she doesn't want to but don't let her attack you and your self esteem!