[Tatyana2009]

For almost all my life I have been feeling / thinking about myself that I am not good enough. Its strange because I know I am good. I am a good person. I am intelligent. I am caring and supportive. I am pretty. I have few talents. But I still feel I am not good enough. Not intelligent enough. Not good enough. Not loving enough... Also things I do - I have the sense that what I do can always be better. It does not stop me from doing though. Its just this nagging sense. Even when I post - I sometimes feel what I wrote is not 'good enough'. I guess this is linked to having tried to prove myself in prebious relationship (of loving enough etc).

I do not know how to get over this. Any thoughts?? useful advice??

At some point I expect most people feel inadequate. No matter how good a person is at something, the odds are someone else is better. I ask myself where do the feelings of inadequacy originate. I have to be satisfied with who I am. If I know I put in the effort appropriate for the circumstance, I am satisfied.

Most people at times also need to be reminded that they have competed successfully all of their lives. There is no reason to believe that they will not continue to. Life will always be a work in process. Striving to be more perceptive, more caring and more compassionate are worthy goals but do not have to become obsessions.

Ultimately, the question is what is "good enough"? If what you do is never good enough, there is a problem. I appreciate what you contribute here. I would certainly say it is good enough.

[Tatyana2009]

Thank you very much TheByzantine! for the kind words!

I can see what you are saying. You are right.

However, it is not that I feel inadequate. Its hard to explain. I dont feel that I have to compete successfully all the time. I can certainly deal with loosing.

Wher this originates? well - maybe this is with my demanding mother and on a different front but still, demanding father.

I recently started thinking that my rebelion was not to achieve the best scores I could in high school. It was not bad but it was not as good as I could get had I studied. Kind of a passive agressive reaction...

My mother was very demanding on the behavioural front and my father with achievement. So I am the successful career person that I am but still have not achieved my other personal goals. Maybe this is linked in some way...

I am thinking 'out loud' on this post now...

Thanks again!

Working through this is good.

[cdkjbfwbr]

Hi. I go through periods of feeling this way too. I know in my head that I am talented and competent and can do many things and meet demands of others, but sometimes I do my best, but then I feel like such a failure. Like I could have done so much better.
I think why do I even try, I'm not any good. I can't compare to others. I defeat my own self with negative thoughts. I beat my own self up with self-doubt.
Sometimes I''ll say to my hubby and daughter, I can't do that/this, it's horrible, ot I look horrible, or I'll sound horrible, and they reassure me until I feel like I'm begging for attention, which I really am not.
I like the saying, I haven't won, but neither have I lost.
We have to keep trying, no matter what.
I sing in churches, am told I sound good. I don't care how I sound, I just love to sing. But when my boss tells me I can't carry a tune, I feel like crying. Why does his opinion matter so much? If I hum, he cracks a joke about needing the radio on. I never hum anymore.
We need to not let others keep us from doing what makes us happy. If they don't like something, they can hit the door! But then, I get that self-loathing thing going and I'm not so brave. I beat myself up and down. I hate when I do that.
Cat

Although perhaps a bit off topic, I offer for thought the work of David D. Burns, M.D.:

Definition of Cognitive Distortions

Cognitive distortions are logical, but they are not rational. They can create real difficulty with your thinking. See if you are doing any of the ten common distortions that people use. Rate yourself from one to ten with one being low and ten being high. Ask yourself if you can stop using the distortions and think in a different way.

1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see your self as a total failure.
2. OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
3. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.
4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.
5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
   1. MIND READING: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out
   2. THE FORTUNETELLER ERROR: you can anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
6. MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the binocular trick."
7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."
8. SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn't, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequences are guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
9. LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself. "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him" "He's a ******* louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
10. PERSONALIZATION: You see your self as the cause of some negative external event, which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

For almost all my life I have been feeling / thinking about myself that I am not good enough....

I do not know how to get over this. Any thoughts?? useful advice??

What would happen if you were to just let yourself have those thoughts/feelings, but realize they don't actually mean anything and just go on about your business without trying to stop or change them?

By the way...

Not intelligent enough. Not good enough. Not loving enough...

Not intelligent / good / loving enough for what?

[Tatyana2009]

Thanks all!

Yes, good points.

I guess I am unhappy that these thoughts enter my mind.

Its like a self punishment / harrasment...

And no - they dont mean anything. I am working on reducing their impact and affect on me.

I am guessing it has something to do with 'try harder' msgs...

Thanks again!

[Perna]

Doesn't sound like just the previous relationship if you've been feeling it most of your life? I suspect your parents or teachers may have implied you weren't good enough.

When I have thoughts like that I counter them: Not good enough for what? It all boils down to what we want, it's our life. You have to be good enough for your own purposes. Sure we can probably do better and if we want to try, we can do that! I like to get things right and I take pride in doing things well so often I will do things over if I feel like I haven't done them as well as I can or want them.

But sometimes the thought doesn't fit the job. Not doing the dishes good enough because you don't finish doing them in one "session" doesn't make sense because you aren't being timed and there's no one else who cares :-)

My stepmother use to get angry because it would be my night to do the dishes (my brother and I alternated on that chore) and I'd have to go to the bathroom after dinner. She accused me of deliberately saying I had to go to the bathroom to get out of doing the dishes and she'd angrily do them all while I was in the bathroom and then yell at me for that. LOL, she couldn't have walked away for the 5-10 minutes until I got out of the bathroom to see if I'd do them then? They couldn't have waited half an hour? What was the big deal? I can see that now but back then I'd definitely feel like I'd done something wrong having to go to the bathroom, LOL.

[Tatyana2009]

Perna, it sounds to me like your stepmother was not accepting or sensitive. I am sorry about that. You are right about not just relationship but the way I was raised. I am dealing with both now... maybe it is also related to codependency issues...

[chynnagirl]

Tatyana,

Don't be so hard on youself!!!

Byz said: "No matter how good a person is at something, the odds are someone else is better."

I think you should look at it the other way too---you're better at everything, than someone else out there.

[Tatyana2009]

That is nice of you Chynnagirl. Yes - I guess I am being hard on myself...

I feel a lot better. I think I am going through a phase of change. How are you?

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Perna

She accused me of deliberately saying I had to go to the bathroom to get out of doing the dishes and she'd angrily do them all while I was in the bathroom and then yell at me for that. LOL, she couldn't have walked away for the 5-10 minutes until I got out of the bathroom to see if I'd do them then? They couldn't have waited half an hour? What was the big deal? I can see that now but back then I'd definitely feel like I'd done something wrong having to go to the bathroom, LOL.

This made me smile. Sorry I sound as though I'm being really insensitive, what I meant is that this story reminded me of when my sisters and I had to do our chores. Garanteed everytime someone would 'have to' go to the bathroom. None of us ever did need to go but we'd tried our luck! Thinking about it now we could have waited for us all to be ready but I never thought of doing that at the time randomly enough!

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

For almost all my life I have been feeling / thinking about myself that I am not good enough. Its strange because I know I am good. I am a good person. I am intelligent. I am caring and supportive. I am pretty. I have few talents. But I still feel I am not good enough. Not intelligent enough. Not good enough. Not loving enough... Also things I do - I have the sense that what I do can always be better. It does not stop me from doing though. Its just this nagging sense. Even when I post - I sometimes feel what I wrote is not 'good enough'. I guess this is linked to having tried to prove myself in prebious relationship (of loving enough etc).

I do not know how to get over this. Any thoughts?? useful advice??

I feel this way too. For me it is a pervasive sense of not being good enough so it isn't really related to any specific task etc. I don't even have to fail in order to feel it, it is always there in the background even if I feel confident and successful. I think it is related to shame so I don't think that it is as simple as a negative thought that can be counteracted but a deeper fearful feeling of not being worthy, of being a failure as a person (not simply failing at a task). Plus being ashamed in itself feels shameful. I fight really hard to be 'good enough' because I'm so ashamed of not being, and I can't admit to people irl that I feel ashamed because I should be good enough and if they ever realise that i'm not 'good enough' then what will happen? That scares me. So you get trapped in this never-ending cycle. I'm not sure what advice to offer if that sounds in anyway familiar to you, except if it creates an never-ending cycle then maybe to stop it we need to break the loop somehow? Maybe find someone that will listen to you and work through how you feel? When I was little if I told my parents that I felt stupid they would dimiss it with 'of course you're not stupid you get good grades' or 'you need to be more confident', both of which responses missed the point and wasn't really that helpful! And then I felt more ashamed because I was complaining or should be more confident.
So basically after all my ramblings maybe you could find someone who can listen to you and help build up your self worth?

[pachyderm]

I think maybe if you understand where the feelings of not being good enough come from, they begin to have less an effect on you. Mine came from constant attacking criticism from my mother; not only was there no support for us children, there was criticism for every little mistake we made. And mistakes could include not seeing things her way. It is hard to feel you are worth anything when in childhood you were immersed in an atmosphere of hateful verbal attacks (in my case, at least, backed up by physical attacks too).

[goldgirl]

I feel that way a great deal. My dad was hyper critical of everything i did. It was like no matter what i did, it don't stand up to some invisible standard. At times i wonder if i am saying the right thing or doing the right thing.