Door Mat :(

During my T session we talked about why I don't address conflict even when angry (if someone has wronged me). I simply don't and my T said that that's the type of behavior for someone who gets treated like a doormat.

My assignment is to stick up for my self in situations of being wronged by others. I told her I would try. She said that I am a powerful person but I am faking it about not being powerful ( I would however speak up for my children for example just not for myself etc..). I simply just feel like GACK! - I can't (when wronged by someon) talk and then I run away - and then deal with my anger some other way.

Anyone else conquer this???

Geez, spend this week (or whatever the period is between now and when you see T next) and look for a situation :-)

My T had me think about specific words; the first week I got "humiliation" and the next week, "disappointment". Put "conflict" in your head and a situation will pop up as surely as "pink elephant" or "red car" if you think them

It will probably be just the right size for you to handle (as you will have noticed it and set the parameters, just like we do in dreams). When I was doing "disappointment" my husband immediately decided to go "play" rather than do the dishes (his job). So I brought it up and learned so much! His back was killing him and he couldn't bend to do the dishes and thought playing (sitting and watching a sport) would help distract him from his pain. I wish I could have seen my face struggling with my emotions; I had all this "unfair" feelings wanting him to stay and do dishes first (transference training from my stepmother! What she would have done to me) versus loving him and wanting him to feel better.

Look at what you're trying to do as an experiment and learning situation instead of taking it personally. When you "find" a conflict, dissect it and swish it around in your mouth, LOL, and ask a lot of questions! Often conflict is because of our assumptions being wrong and if you ask questions and get them straightened out it's both enlightening and freeing, one doesn't necessarily feel so opposite sides anymore. But then make an "I" statement. "I feel" or "I think" or I would like" but make sure the word "you" is nowhere in the statement! :-) "I feel angry that I wasn't asked my opinion". "I feel hurt that I wasn't asked my opinion". "I think more opinions on the subject would have been nice" (notice how hard it is to use "I think" when you're angry or hurt because you're feeling, not thinking and if one can't use "you" in the sentence, it's almost impossible to get intellectual instead of feeling. But notice too how much using "I think" makes the sentence a little less hostile/less confrontational). "I would like my opinion to be considered, too".

After direct, with no "you" sentences have been said, then "backwards you" explanatory sentences can be used to reinforce. "When you take action in situations concerning both of us without asking my opinion, I feel angry." Notice now there's no "it" or "makes me" because nothing can make you feel a certain way. Some people, if others do things without asking them, feel relief!

"When you take action in situations concerning both of us without talking to me first, I feel relief but I do not think that is good for me. I would like you to ask me my opinion next time, please? I would like your help in that way, finding and expressing my opinions. I find it easy to let others decide or do things for me that I should decide for myself and when I don't like what is done, I blame the other person when, in fact, I didn't speak up when I should have."

Tell me an SO wouldn't fall over in a dead faint if you said something like that

Thank you so much Perna for you thorough response! I will be practicing this I hope to use it sometime soon

Many Thanks!!!!

Since this post I had a 'confrontation'. I stood up for myself as painfuly difficult as it was. The thing that popped into my head during this was fear and vulnerability. I found this process to be agonizing - I was able to keep my cool but I was boiling inside.