I wore my black baseball cap almost all the time I went out, for about a year. It was my little security blanket. Something to hide behind because I wanted to keep people out.
Over the weekend my dog ate my black baseball cap and I freaked. Rushed to different stores, without a cap, to buy a new one.
It was strange walking around without the cap. I felt naked and exposed. I kept my head tilted and played with my hair and would look down at the ground while walking.
The lights in the store seemed too bright. I would look at someone and then quickly look away.
I really started to get upset when the first two stores didn't have any baseball caps. But I persisted because I knew I could not survive without one on my head.
My third store was the big K. I guess I had gotten use to the hat being off by that time because I was walking with my head up. I beelined it for the accessories in the men's section.
They had some really stupid caps there but I had no choice but to choose one of them.
It took me 10 minutes to decide.
I ended up with a black cap with a brown bill. The black and brown would match my black leather coat and my brown suede. It's important to be color coordinated.
I went to the cashier and looked at her directly. I smiled and small talked with her.
I told her I didn't need a bag and walked out of the store.
I thought I'd put it right on my head but I didn't. I didn't the next day when I went off to work either.
I carried it with me, just in case and when I did put it on in a fit of insecurity-it felt stupid.
For the rest of the day I left it in the car.
I think this marks a new beginning for me.
I'll probably still have it close to me-just in case-but I really don't think I'm going to use it much.

I was sooooo mad at my dog for chewing up my baseball cap. I actually hit her on the hiney with the chewed up cap. Something I hardly ever do. (I don't like hitting my puppies.)
I think she's wiser then I'll ever understand.

[Rapunzel]

Wow, that sounds like good progress! I'm proud of you for recognizing that you don't need to hide so much anymore.

Way to go!

I have a black cap too. I don't wear it all the time. It depends where I go or how I feel.

If I have really trouble hiding my pain inside I will wear it. But if I can put on a very good mask I will not wear it like when I go to interviews, meetings that are important, things like that.

Good dog you have there!

Take good care!

[lenjan]

wow, what a great story! congratulations on your progress!

candy

Thanks for your responses.
It had become more of a habit then anything. A bad habit.
But, I still have the cap stuffed in my pocketbook and not on my head, so breaking the habit is going pretty good.

[BlueFaith]

(((Jax)))
Glad to see you improving!
You deserve to feel better.

[LMo]

I like this story!

Thank you MP and LMo, I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

[bipolar_bear]

I love the story. I too have my own black cap that I have been unable to give up in entirety. Keep it with you as long as you need to. Congratulations on all the progress you have made. I am impressed.

Thank you, Bipolar.
It'll probably be awhile before I can take it out of my pocketbook.

[DaveyJones]

Great story!!! Doesn't it feel just great to walk down the street with your head up?

DJ

Hi DJ,
Yes, it does.
I have my bad days with bouts of insecurity but for the most part, I'm doing very well.
Although,I have cut my hair so that I'd have bangs. Somehow, it seems to help... Whatever works.