Something that is bothering me

The thing that is bothering me the most nowadays is when I meet new people, I always feel "prepared" in advance, but when I actually meet them and have to talk to them, have to "show myself", I realize that I don't really have much to say. I'm just sitting there, listening to what they tell each other but I can't think of anything interesting I can say myself.

Then I go home and realize that there are actually a lot of things I could have said, but this happens only afterwards, not there. So what is going on in these situations?

I hope that this can work better with practice: Saying whatever comes to my mind, without thinking too much about whether it is interesting enough or the right thing to say. I'm also practicing here, so this is one of the reasons behind my post overflow.

What do you think? Do you experience this too?

I know exactly what you mean. Having to meet and mingle with people always stressed me, I felt self-conscious as if being judged or compared. In social situations such as parties etc, I would feel isolated, must have had low self-esteem. Now I`m 61 and so I don`t "socialise." I came to terms with feeling that way and after a while it didn`t bother me, if people accepted me fine if not that was fine too. Hope this makes sense, just remember you are as good as everyone else.

Yes, I'm stressed in these situations too. I expect myself to perform well (I mean relatively well) and then I just don't. But I keep trying, I'm just not always sure that I'm going in the right direction with this.

But thanks for your reply!

Is it possible your energy is directed towards that problem in social situations? The exact same thing happens to me, and I've realized that's what often happens. Or perhaps just anxiety in general. That can detract from others uses of your mind, and, therefore, once you're removed from the source of anxiety, you think of everything you wanted to say then. But... It's likely you already know that.

I've been trying to develop a solution to this for a while, although the methods may not work... But ideas are ideas.

One observation is that when I stop hearing "other people saying smart things" and replace it with "an interesting exchange of ideas", my anxiety decreases and (natural!) contribution increases. Normally, the harder I try the worse I do (this correlation is quite strong!).

Assuming you experience at least relatively similar feelings, perhaps these methods will help you, as well. Or maybe you'll find something else. Are there any topics that inspire you? Try talking about those things and maybe experiment a bit, "flow" will be achieved most easily and you can apply what works in those discussions to more challenging topics.

Best wishes!

Tulela,

Do you remember having had this reaction as a kid or teen?

I may be wrong, but I think when it comes to talking to them, you may have forgotten what to say or you just probably choose not to be the one that talks a lot and you try to let the other persons do all the talking and everything. I don't know. I think it's just a theory.
If you can't think of anything interesting to say, you can just try to carry on someone else's conversation or remain silent. I would go with the former. (Note: I'm not a good person to seek advice from, so I hope it works out for you. If you don't think it's such a hot idea, you should just disregard my input and stick to your gut).

I think that anxiety can be one of the reasons you're not performing as well. Just remain calm and act nonchalant.